My damn sinuses again...

My sinuses have decided to act up again, leaving me with a stuffed up nose and a dry itchy throat that comes with a nasty cough.  This is the third time in the past two or three months.  I am not happy.  I'm taking the cough pills I never finished (which don't work but hey, why not?) and allergy meds and sudefed and hoping for the best.

I've been on my new meds three full days and one half day and I'm really surprised at my lack of need to root through the kitchen to find food to eat because it tastes good.  I have still had some cravings (Such as a spicy chicken from Wendy's) but I have no had any desire to eat all the time.  I hope they continue to work like this.

On another much more silly note:

I need this purse from Modcloth.  Seriously.  It's even 25% off with a code through the end of today.  For some reason I want this purse so bad, I can barely contain myself.  I've been looking at it all week.  Several times a day.  It does not help that I do, in fact, need a new purse.  However, Nick says this purse is not an everyday purse.

I mean, I guess he's kind of right.  You see, whereas the model with the purse looks pretty chic and cool with her ripped skinny jeans and black over-sized turtleneck and booties, I'd probably look like a 12 year old.

I mean, with my flare jeans with rips on the bottom from being a smidge too long to the white paint splotch on my tennis shoes to my forever in a pony tail hair because I have no idea how to actually style hair and when I wear it down it just gets in my face and annoys me.  To my makeup-less face because it takes me too long and the random T-shirt that's either Cardinals baseball or Supernatural because that's all I have.

I would look like a 12 year old carrying a dog purse.

I would not look like this model.

I would not look this cool carrying around a dog purse.  I would look ridiculous.

But I want it.  Because it is cute. And I need a purse.  Because mine has a rip and the corner fabric is worn out and the damn thing is four years old and has definitely seen better days.  My poor worn out scraggly purse only adds to my disheveled 12 year old look.

Next month, I'll look for a new purse.  I probably won't get the dog purse.  I'll conform to society's basic standards of what an adult should wear/look like and I'll be too afraid I'll look like I'm 12, and I'll end up ordering some other purse that is square and neutral and lacking personality.  Not to mention it will likely be sold out.

Some purse that is not a dog face.

I want the dog purse.

Day One on Binge Eating meds and UPDATE!

So, today was the first day I've taken my new binge eating medication.   I just got it yesterday afternoon and it turns out Wal-Mart had it for like, six days already.  I'm a little irritated because they never called but I have it and I started it.

So far, good.  I haven't thought about eating the whole house today.  In fact, the idea of me eating as much as I had been seems...odd?  Anyway, these meds are newer I believe and they are typically used to treat ADHD.  Apparently some people who are using it for binge eating find that they are more focused.  It kind of makes sense.  I eat because I'm bored or because when I eat certain foods it makes me feel good.  Not really because I'm hungry.  So if I'm focused my mind isn't all over the place and I'm not constantly thinking about food.  Anyway, it's only day one so we'll see what happens from here.

I FINALLY tested for my first stripe in ninjutsu on Tuesday!  I knew my sensei was going out of town until after Thanksgiving and I wanted it before that.  I was nervous and forgot to breath so I was very lightheaded afterwards but I did get my stripe!  YAY!

Not much else has been going on so far as normal day to day stuff goes.

Weekly Recap

I know my blog has been all over the place so I think it will be nice to do a weekly blog that is a recap of what I've been up to and how things have been going.

• I went back to my doctor and got prescribed a pill used to treat binge eating disorders and also ADHD.  Wal-Mart of course didn't have it in stock and so I have to wait week.
• Nick got rear ended and his HHR was totaled.  I had a pretty serious freak out over this and though we'd rather NOT spend the money, we will be buying a new car in just a few weeks.  I was without one for six months but I was also watching the neighbors baby so it wasn't so bad because I would have been stuck at home anyway.
• I have not gone back to low carb yet as I should but today I am really, really trying.

My hobbies/interests are going better.

• I caught up to the current season of the anime Uta Prince No Sama as well as the newest episode of one called Kiss Him, Not Me.  Kiss Him, Not Me is pretty hilarious.  It might just be one of the funniest anime I have seen.  It has a lot of anime references and kind of pokes fun at the fan base in a very well meaning, light-hearted way.  I am really looking forward to see how the story progresses.  Uta Pri has the very common idol anime setup but it is on it's fourth season which means it's pretty successful.
• I watched the fourth episode Death Parade.  It was very emotional and made me cry.  The basis of this anime is two people who die at the same time end up in a bar where they have to play a game of some sort (the game changes each episode) to determine who will get to be reincarnated and whose soul pretty much goes into oblivion.  The games are supposed to bring out the true nature of people and we actually haven't seen who goes where since the first episode I don't believe.
• Went to ninjutsu class twice this week, thanks to my sister-in-law who watched Lilly for me yesterday as Nick had a group project for school to work on.  I'd say both classes were successful and I am working on getting to the point where I can feel confident enough to take the stripe test for my first lesson.  My body parts really don't like moving together in unison so I tend to move my feet first and then my hands and I need to get them to work together, but I do have fun every class and I love my classmates and my sensei.  It is such a beautiful encouraging environment.
• I started using Japanesepod101.com and their youtube channel to start learning Japanese.  We have to learn a lot of terms for ninjutsu and because of my anime watching I want to actually understand and learn rather than just memorizing what words mean for class.  I think pod101 has several different language sites and I would recommend checking them out.  Very easy to follow and learn.

And I think that's all I can remember for now.  Pretty basic stuff and off course there was a lot of taking care of Lilly and doing dishes and laundry in there too!  Have a good week everyone!

How Things Are Going

So.  Wal-Mart had to order my prescription, it takes a week to come in.  Not the start I was hoping for because it's put this excuse in my head not to start until I get it.  Lame.  I know.  So...I haven't exactly started low carb yet.  Each morning I get up I intend to stick to it but I haven't.

My husband got rear-ended the other day.  The car was totaled.  We were going to replace it in a few years.  We really didn't want to replace it this year.  We're only getting $4300 for it, and my husband won't buy an older car so we are dipping into savings to buy a new one in a few weeks.  He's not told me if I'm getting the car or if he's getting the car.  I really like my Cruz now and I've only had it for 10 months and I offered for him to take it when we bought it and he didn't so I will admit unless he gets me a green car I'll be pissed if he chooses to take my Cruz.

Talk of budgets gets me super stressed.  I don't work, and while staying at home means we're not paying childcare and I actually see my daughter that doesn't mean that I don't wish I had more/better skills that allowed me to work and bring in an income for my family.  I will forever regret the day I did not go to college.  Certainly there were a lot of factors that went into that, which would be too long of a story to post fully here, but I will always regret it.  I don't want to go back to retail.  I'm not really fond of how massage therapy turned out for me.  I'm really scared and upset over the idea of finding work again.  It's scary and of course this car business has me thinking about it.

This stress brings in the food.  Food makes me feel happy for all 2.7 seconds I'm eating it.  So I baked a small batch of cookies today.  I knew I shouldn't have.  I thought about it the whole time I was doing it.  I did it anyway.  My daughter got three out of 12.  I ate the rest.

I threw out the flour.  This way I cannot bake cookies.  Because when I want food to make me happy I will in fact, go out of my way for it.  I may have also gotten into the leftover Halloween candy in my husbands desk drawer.  He puts it down there so I don't have access to it and he doesn't lock it.  It has a lock.  He should lock it.  Because I know that's where it is and chocolate makes me feel happy.  For all 2.7 seconds.

I worked out twice earlier this week, been to ninjutsu once.  I have to miss ninjutsu tomorrow because Nick has to get together with his class group for their group project.  I'm supposed to go two days a week and I missed three weeks because I was sick and got to go just one this week.  I am not at all happy with my lack of progress at this point.  I knew it would take me longer to learn things, my body doesn't move together well, but missing classes is really depressing to me.  I want to learn and advance and I haven't even earned my first stripe yet.  You get a stripe when you test on a lesson you need to know for your next belt test.  I've been going like two months and have not gotten it.  *insert super sad face here*

ON A PLUS NOTE:  I found out there's this super cool Japanese mini mall-ish place called Mitsuwa Marketplace.  I am hoping they may have some cute onigiri molds (I want a cat one for Lilly) and they have awesome ramen restaurants for Nick and a bakery that looks delicious and of course a grocery story.  But it's an hour away so we haven't gotten to go yet.  An hour in the burbs really isn't horrible but it's not ideal with an unpredictable toddler.

My anime watching has increased.  It does help stress.  I also found japanesepod101.com and their youtube channel.  They have super awesome videos that are easy to follow for learning Japanese.  Because we use Japanese terms in ninjutsu and because I watch a lot of anime I have watched several and plan to actually pick some language and writing up.  It's my current interest and I always throw myself at my interests so this is no surprise.

I have not drawn much.  My colored pencils, while a good brand, keep breaking when I sharpen so it just gets frustrating instead of being relaxing.  I need to learn to be happy with black and white drawings and learn how to shade like they would in a manga, since most manga are black and white.

And that is where I am at.  I managed to wash and fold ALL THE LAUNDRY.  Which is amazing  It really is, but I have a good bit of dishes to do.  Yuck.  The constant badgering of making beds, doing dishes, and helping fold laundry as a kid did nothing for me, in fact, I think they made me really detest those chores.

Day After Halloween Doctor Visit

So, after nine months I finally went back to my doctor.

I was 100 % honest about how I felt my eating was out of control, that I didn't hold myself accountable, and that I needed regular visits.

He had me take a binge eating disorder survey.  By the looks of it, he says I could have it, so we're going to try some meds.  He said it is also used to treat ADHD and that sometimes people find they have better focus.  I could use that!  To be honest, I recently read an article about ADHD in adult women and was surprised at how many symptoms were familiar so I am hoping it can do me good on many levels.

I have to hand in the 1st prescription by hand because he gave me some coupons so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to get it because Lilly was being Lilly and no way was I going to take her to the store with me to wait for a prescription to be filled.  I can do that tomorrow when she is in preschool class.

Anyway, she fell asleep on the way home so I'm going to watch my current cheesy idol anime called Uta no Prince Sama.  I'm on season three.  The fact that it has a third and currently airing fourth season says it actually isn't that bad, but it is cheesy and it was written for teenage girls and it does involve boy bands so yeah.

Hey, I did dishes and laundry today at least!

I was really stuffed into that bodice last night!  Next year it will fit better!

I No Longer Believe I Can Do It

I am really lost and depressed at this point in time.

I no longer believe I can lose any more weight, in fact all I see in my future is weight gain.

Nick once again proved to me the other night that he doesn't listen to me when I discuss my issues with weight loss with him when I told him I really shouldn't be eating the rice and he said "It's just portion control"

I thought I had made it blindingly clear that I have a food addiction because I actually eat food because it tastes good.  Not because I am hungry.  It's not even a "I'm hungry, and I want to eat Food A rather than Food B, because Food A tastes better"  No.  It's "I am bored and what can I eat that tastes good?"

My gut has expanded.  I weighed in at 195 today, this is one pound under obese for me.  I am terribly depressed.

I cannot seem to control my eating and in fact right now all I want is some chocolate and a subway sandwich.  Maybe some french fries.

I feel as if nobody cares if I lose weight.  I don't think anyone would care if I gained it all back.  I feel like, I'd probably just prove to people what they likely were thinking all along, that I couldn't do it.

I feel alone in this journey.

I feel pretty helpless at this point.

In fact, before I got pregnant with Lilly, I had been stuck at 203-207 for a very very long time, and I am feeling just about like I was then.  I gave up when I got pregnant.

I've pretty much given up on eating in a manner that will help me continue this journey.

I do not like low carb, nor have I ever.  I am tired of eggs and chicken.  My plan did not allow much red meat or fatty meat (like bacon) and the salt does effect me.

I attempted 21 Day Fix meal plan but also did not lose weight.  I ended up eating a few extra cups of things because the booklet said I could and I always chose the things like the frozen waffles.

Peanut butter has become a trigger and I in fact melted butter, peanut butter, and dark chocolate chips in a bowl the other day and ate it.

Then I threw out the peanut butter and chocolate chips.

I need someone to hold my hand through this journey and I hate it but I know I need it because I am not enough for myself and if nobody is monitoring me it doesn't work.  But it has to be someone that I feel would be disappointed in me or that I would be embarrassed to have gained or maintained at my weigh in.

I attempted a while ago to have Nick weigh me every week but it was me who had to remind him and on the weeks where I didn't take care of it, well, I didn't remind him and I just dropped it.  In fact, I don't think he cares if I gain weight to be honest.  I almost feel like he would rather I not loose any more weight.

But I am overweight.  I lost 60 pounds and I am still overweight and in fact, I am AT THE TOP of the Overweight scale.

I want to be comfortable in my body.  I have never felt happy with how I look.  I have never been comfortable in clothing in front of others, I feel my stomach roll protrude over my waist band and I try to sit with my arms around it.  I despise pictures because I still have a double chin, large arms with hanging bat wings, and my legs are pretty chunky still.  Pictures make it look worse and remind me exactly what I know: I HATE HOW I LOOK.

I will always hate how I look.  This is how I feel.  I feel like I will never be a normal sized human being.  That I will never be able to look in the mirror and enjoy my appearance.  That I will never put on a piece of clothing and be happy with how it fits.

That life, for me, right now, it seems like it will never happen.  That it is not for me.

It may be a pitty party for one, but that is my mental state, and that is what I want to share because it is the truth.

Definition of Insanity

There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

So, here I am, at a year of trying to get back on track with low carb and going from 177 to 190 over and over and over.  So, why am I still trying to do low carb?

Good question.

I am so over it.

I also am over calorie counting and Weight Watchers (can we talk about how their business plan relies on people gaining the weight back?)

Anyway, with my increased love and interest in anime and similar things, and Nick's love of sushi and desire to eat a good bowl of ramen, I've decided to try something totally different.

Actually eating good food and not counting calories or points or carbs or whatever.

Now, I've somewhat planned out meals, and will still be doing a lower carb, but I am tired of not cooking or having meals with my family.  When I do low carb I don't cook leaving Nick and Lilly out in the cold more or less.  Or I do really basic stuff.

Today, I bought some cool stuff:

A ricer cooker, a ramen and udon cookbook, a sushi mat, and Lilly got some training chopsticks that match her trademark pig tails!  Seriously, how cute are those?

My plan moving forward, now that I am finally getting better after being sick, is to eat eggs or similar for breakfast, have a low carb turkey wrap for lunch, and various chicken dinners with rice or veggies.  Snacks will be fruit or carrots with some ranch.  I'm going to get rid of my diet soda habit.

Did I ever mention I have a really bad diet soda habit?  It's bad.  I know it's not good for me, and it's bad.

I want to eat cleaner without being 100% clean, eat more regular type meals, eat with my family, provide Lilly with better examples of a healthy relationship with food.

On top of that, I plan on practicing my ninjutsu for 30 minutes every day.  This will include bokken, and studying from my guidebook.  I also will exercise, sticking with my chart I made just before I got sick.  Maybe changing it up a bit.

I will not weigh myself obsessively but focus on the fit of my clothes.  I won't try and throw the scale out but I will try and not use it all the time and work on not focusing on the number near as much as I do.

I want to improve my planks (which I have gotten up to 50 seconds!  WOW!) and work on balance, push ups, and endurance.

I can't make promises to myself or this blog.  I almost never make my goals.  They also make me obsessed, I want to live a normal healthy life without worrying about food and exercise.  I want it to be a normal, every day thing.  Something I don't have to think about, but habit.

I have a very bad relationship with food, that has only gotten worse this past year due.  I want to change that.

I am going to do my best and see what happens.

Day: Doesn't Really Matter

I have been sick for two weeks now.  I have missed four ninjutsu classes.  I am back at square one as far as weight goes.

I am frustrated as hell.

I don't understand why I can't seem to stick to low carb long enough to finish this up.  A week is about all I seem to have in me.  This entire past year has been a waste and a struggle of me trying and not trying.

Nobody cares if I lose weight or not and I am beginning to think I don't either.  I look in the mirror and I hate every ounce I see.  I am dreading family pictures in November.  I have to buy a new dress and I hate the idea of going shopping for one.  I know I won't find anything I think I look good in.  My legs are super chunky and I just want to hide them away.  I physically can't wear heels but my legs are also pale and covered in varicose and spider veins so I don't want to bare leg it but if I wear tights they bunch at the ankle when I wear flats and they wouldn't be nude tights because I'm so pale they don't make nude tights my skin color.  I have no idea how to dress myself and hating my body is not helping remedy that situation.

I have beautiful skirt in my closet I wanted to wear last year and couldn't quite fit into it and I'm in the same situation this year.

Being sick is forcing me on the couch again and I am tired and coughing and grumpy and I look like hell.

And all I do on this blog is complain.

I can't find the motivation.  I am sorry.  Me not being able to find it makes it hard to motivate anyone else.  If being a beachbody coach hadn't been so costly maybe I should have stuck with it, because at least then I put on a fake face and exercised every day.

The truth is, all I want is a normal body.  I normal one.  Not an overweight one.  I want to know what it's like to have a normal sized healthy body.  I don't want this huge gut and chunky thighs.  I've had them since junior high and I have hated them since junior high and I want them gone.  I am uncomfortable in my body.  I feel big and awkward.

The truth is: I don't have anyone monitoring my weight but me and I can choose to not report it here so it doesn't matter.  I'm not paying a doctor to monitor it so I won't be embarrassed if I don't lose like before.

I am tired and worn down from lack of sleep and trying to exercise and diet.  I don't want to do low calorie because I know it also lowers your metabolism.  I also know it is hard for me to stick with.  So is Weight Watchers (AND HELLO COSTLY).

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  Nick got me french fries the other day.  I broke the no eating out and I didn't even think about it.  He said he was going to get a gyro and I texted him and told him he should get lots of fries as a joke and he was like "Are you joking or serious" and in a split second I was serious.  He called me and said he would get them for me but that I couldn't get mad at him.

BUT I AM MAD A HIM!  He's supposed to help me.  He's supposed to tell me it won't help me reach my goals.  That I'm stronger than my want for french fries.  Because I can't seem to tell myself that.

The truth is: I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I don't know if I should ditch low carb, stay with low carb, try something else, etc.  I know focusing on exercise won't help because you can't out exercise a bad food plan.

Goal setting doesn't seem to help.

I'm so tired of it all.  How can I go from 252 at my highest weight to 190 now and HATE my body still?  I still feel big and awkward and clunky and gross.  And it doesn't matter if you or anyone else thinks I look good, if I FEEL LIKE CRAP, I feel like crap.  I'm overweight, borderline obese (196 is obese at my height), and not happy but not miserable enough to think about what I am really doing to my body.

And honestly, I just want to bake some damn Halloween cookies.

Being Sick Sucks - Day I lost count since my notebook had milk spilled on it...

I've been sick for a week now.  I've missed two ninjutsu classes, I didn't get to start my workout schedule.  I'm miserable.  Sinus infection.  So hacking, coughing up nasty gunk, pressure in my face.  Nothing fun.

On the plus side, I've been doing fairly well with my food plan.  Did I mention I couldn't keep my scale put up?  Well, good news is I am back down to 183.8.   Really good progress I feel.  I can't imagine what it would look like if I had been able to workout the past week like I had intended.

I am really, really hoping I don't miss another ninjutsu class and I am considering going to the minute clinic today but I have my daughter, as always, and that sounds kind of dreadful with a two year old and a stuffy head.

As it is, I have to go to the store to get her night pull-ups.  Potty training is a B you guys.  Or Lilly is just stubborn.  Or both.  Well, she's definitely stubborn.  Totally her own person.

Anyway, that's my update.  I am hoping to get well and get to exercising again but we will see what happens.  When I get sick it just lingers and it knocks me out bad.  Doesn't help Lilly is sick too, though less so than I, and has not been sleeping well at all.  Sleep is so essential.

Day ????

Ugh.  I've been sick the past few days.  Damn sinus infection.  To the point where I even missed ninjutsu class.

Anyway, remember that notebook that I carefully wrote out each and every damn day until November 23rd?  Well, I spilled a WHOLE sippy cup of milk on it at 3 am in the morning last night and it was 100% not salvageable.  So depressing.

On the upside, while sick I have been drawing more, and seeing good progress,   On top of that, drawing keeps me busy I don't think about food.  As long as Lilly allows me to draw I do not think about food.  This is such a big thing for me, to find something that keeps me busy enough that I am not constantly thinking about food is amazing.

Anyway, not much else going on.  I'm doing well, keeping focused, and practicing my planks so I can someday do a pushup so I can someday be strong.

Who I Am

I've been having a bit of an identity crisis for several months now.  Being a stay at home mom to a toddler consumes all your time on one thing: Your child.  I am lucky I get to stay home with her, but she is demanding and leaves not much time to myself.

Since I was in junior high I've always wondered where I belonged.  I moved around from group of friends to group of friends and never really figured it out.  I wanted desperately to fit in like I think most kids do, and as a result didn't make any particularly strong bonds though I will say there is one friend I can think of that was my best friend and I do wish I had kept in contact after high school with her.  That one is on me.

I always felt uncomfortable in high school and a lot of those feelings still exist to this day.

When I was 242 pounds I thought that all I wanted to do was get back to my high school weight, now that I am here I am deeply reminded how unhappy I am with that and know why I was.  But it also starts bringing up reflections on other things about me, like my personality.

I still have a stupid desire/need to fit in.  I don't like drawing attention to myself and do not handle compliments well.  It's nice to get them but they also make me feel super awkward.  To make matters more difficult my hobbies and interests are not what most would consider conventional for a person of my age and as a result I feel like I can't really share them or people will think I'm weird.  Not to mention it makes conversations with people you've never met uncomfortable because my general assumption is that nobody would be interested in them either.  So there I am in a large group at a party or something and I never know what to say.  Thank goodness for extroverts that know how to carry conversations because I am of no help at all.

So who am I?  It was something I pondered last night as I couldn't sleep.  I still haven't found my personal style.  Clothes are just clothes and I don't love too many of the items I own.  My hair and make-up (or lack thereof) are just in a state of chaos these days.  Likely in part to toddlerville and in part to a horrible hack job of a haircut a year ago.

So who am I?  Who do I want to be?  Here comes my freak flag:

• I am completely obsessed with anime these days.  It is really all I want to watch.  Most of the shonen stories (written for teenage boys) are really fun and have a good amount of action and I really like the romance stories written for girls because they tend to be ridiculously cheesy.  I am so interested in this that I started reading about voice actors (as I'm starting to recognize them and most anime I watch is English subtitles so I am recognizing Japanese voice actors).  What I find fascinating is that anime isn't like our cartoons, which the cartoon comes first and the runoff merchandise second, but they are mostly based in manga, which are typically black and white comics.  The artwork in the manga can be amazing.  I never thought I'd love black and white line drawings so much.  They're beautiful.  There are also a good bit of anime based on interactive story games, that result in several different story endings.  It can be frustrating for me because I like one path for characters but it's also kind of cool.
• I love Halloween.  This isn't really unknown, but if I could have all the decorations, I would.  Good thing we are on a tight budget.
• I wear jeans and t-shirts every day.  You will not see me outside the house in yoga pants or workout pants unless I am actually working out.  I feel sloppy and naked if I am not in jeans.
• I don't like that I only wear jeans and t-shirts.  I wear this because it's easy and I am always spilling or ripping my nice clothes, never my t-shirts, but always my nice clothes.  Maybe because the fabrics are more delicate or something.  I don't know.  I really want to look put together, with a style and fashion of my own, complete with styled hair, perfect glamorous make-up, and accessories.  I have no idea how to put real outfits together which is why I revert to jeans and t-shirts.
• Another part of me really wants to buy up all my favorite fandom t-shirts and wear them proudly.  Or find out how to wear them so I don't look 12?
• Right now I really, really want magenta hair with purple roots.  I think crazy colored hair is GORGEOUS when dyed properly and styled nicely.  Look it up on Instagram and there is a beautiful world of amazing colorists who are true artists.
• I will likely never dye my hair a crazy color again (I did purple myself in high school but it looked blue and I damaged my hair because I didn't know what I was doing).  I am too worried about what others will think.  I don't want people thinking I'm being foolish or childish.  I know that brightly colored hair is not for everyone, but I wish people judged less because color is beautiful.  In nature, in clothing, in artwork.  Why not add color to ourselves?  I really wish I could ignore my need to please other people.
• I hate that I am a jack of all crafting trades, master of none.  I would love to be a great costumer/seamstress and I really, really, wish I was great at drawing.  They may not be practical hobbies to have but I have pictures inside my head of things I want to make and I can't execute them because I have never taken the time to work on my skills.  I do enjoy decorating cakes but that will likely be something I never perfect because I like frosting too much and I would taste test too often and gain a ton of weight.  This is the truth.
• I love Renaissance Faires.  I love to go and dress up in costume.  I love watching people in costumes, admiring how they put them together to form characters, because yes, these people create their own characters and they can go down to the tiniest detail to portray them.
• I really like fantasy novels.  It is my favorite genre.  Not Sci-Fi.  Fantasy.  As a result, they are my favorite types of movies as well.  Though I will tack on Pirates of the Caribbean because I once loved those movies so much I could memorize them.  Probably in my head still somewhere but not now.
• I wish wish wish I had the patience and time to be one of those girls who does full on make-up with lashes.  It always looks so polished and pretty.  I don't care if you can tell they're wearing make-up, they look great and have the ability to completely transform their face.  Which, I don't really like mine to be honest so I'd love to know how to do it.
• Because of my newfound love of anime, when looking for a class to take to get out of the house I joked about karate classes and then ended up seriously considering them and ended up in Aiki Ninjitsu classes.  I love them.  I feel amazing after them.  I have a hard time learning some of the moves but I do plan to continue.  I really hope I don't fizzle out and get upset at slow progress.  I really hope the cost of classes isn't much more than the special they were just running.  If it is, I'll have a hard time justifying the cost in my head, since I don't work.  But I really think it would be awesome if I could accomplish a black belt someday.  I've never done anything like that.
• I STILL have no idea what career I'd be happy with.  I haven't fallen into anything either.  I really hate waking up and going in on a schedule, it's something I have always had a very difficult time with and I actually burn out really easily.  It's hard to admit that because most adults CAN handle it and I feel kind of like a failure admitting it.  I want to work for myself which is why I went into massage therapy, but I quickly learned that even with good body mechanics my body and mind couldn't handle enough work to do it on my own.  I enjoyed it, and liked working at the chiropractic offices but the hours sucked (either too little and didn't know when I was going to work until sometimes THAT DAY or a stupid split shift where I was gone 12 hours a day).  I am not renewing my license.  The cost of continuing education was too expensive to justify.  I also kind of hated it at times because there were some days I just really didn't want to touch people.  Part of the reason I think I like the fantasy genre and anime so much are because I think regular life is pretty boring and the characters tend to be dynamic and have interesting things going on.
• Back to the fashion side: I have a very difficult time investing in clothing.  It's expensive and wears out, and again, I tend to destroy my nice clothes easily.  As a result, my wardrobe really is small.  My husband owns more clothes than I do.  He has more shoes too.  Since I don't bring in an income it also makes it difficult for me to be a typical woman and have a stylish wardrobe because after a pair of dressy shoes and tennis shoes I feel like everything else is extra and not a necessary spending cost and if it's not necessary it's not needed.  If I had a bigger budget I would have a ton of shoes and items from Modcloth and half of my style crisis would be solved.
• I prayed that Lilly would be all the things I am not before she was born and before I even knew she was a girl.  I am terribly afraid she will be self conscious, shy, and a strict rule follower.  I want her, and her life, to be bold and bright and amazing.  As a rule follower and someone who is shy I have greatly limited my potential as well as my life experiences.  I rarely do anything that is not "by the book".  I don't like being this way, but don't find it easy to change.

So, in short.  I love anime, Halloween, Renaissance faires, fantasy stories, and I'd love to be a glamorous brightly colored, skirt wearing, artist but am stuck in t-shirt and jeans hell because "it's practical".

I sincerely hope I did not rant too much and that most of my thoughts were clear.  I don't really edit posts so you get it as it comes out.

Days 4 and 5

*sigh*

Day Four was awful.  I won't lie.  I did NOT stick to plan.  It was grocery shopping day and I ate goldfish crackers and once I started I had a few more than just a few.  Not a huge amount, but like, two servings for sure.

I'm still not motivated to exercise every day.  I'm groggy in the morning, Lilly pulls at me, her wake-up time is unpredictable so waking up before her is a no-go, and with my sleep patterns and her sleep patterns and the fact that I want to spend time with Nick in the evenings, well, there goes working out at night.

Some people can say those are just excuses, and maybe they are, but there is a balance and I'm sorry but sleep and Nick are priorities.  You cannot be healthy with no sleep.

Day Five has not been so bad.  I did eat over 50 carbs but I tried.  I didn't go crazy.  I had extra low carb bread and some low carb ice cream which put me over.  I will say, I did great in the morning but that MAY be due to the fact that I was consumed by a ridiculous visual novel game on my phone.  Basically, it's like those books where you choose what happens next.  Some of it is super interactive (like a chat room) and other bits are less so.  The characters all all drawn like manga/anime.  I say it's ridiculous because it was an otome game, which basically means outside of the plot line you choose a character as a love interest and the games I think are targeted towards teenage girls/girls in their young 20's.  I'm 31 with a kid, I should have other things to do, but I guess I consider it like anyone who reads a romance novel and in the end, the story line went beyond the romance and had some pretty cool twists!

ANYWAY....

I'm writing this now because I can't sleep.  It's 12:34.  Did I mention I broke out the scale again?  I couldn't help it.  The first few days I saw loss, but now it jumped back up and I'm going crazy in my head.  Why did it, what am I doing wrong.  If I get rid of the scale will it crawl up?

I'm very disappointed in myself.  I'm trying to log day by day so that I can be accountable, so that I can pretend people are reading and following and routing for me to meet my goal, but at the end of the day, I don't think anyone cares if I lose any more weight or not and I'm not enough.  It sounds stupid.  But I just can't get my mind into the game for myself.  I am trying.  I really, really am.  But food wins over my willpower quite often.

And that damn scale.  I hate to throw it out because it was expensive and I will freak.  Well, not only that, but I fear if I throw it out I will no longer really care.  I got rid of a lot of my bigger clothes that were nice, but I still have bigger jeans and my tshirts will always fit so I know that I could easily slip and gain it all back.

Well, I mean, look at me.  For my birthday I made it down to 177 and I'm at 192 now.  I was struggling then.  So hard.  Vowed I'd keep going, and I didn't.  And here I am, above the 180's, close to being obese again.

I am sorry if anyone is following and I let you down.  I'm letting myself down.  I'm angry at myself. I just can't seem to do it, and there are so many other things I'd love to take the time to focus on too.  My polymer clay, my drawing, my ninjutsu classes, Lilly, and yes, even taking the time to play that game.  I think I have read one book since Lilly was born.  I love read.  I don't have much time to sit around and read like I used to.  That ridiculous game only takes pieces of time here and there so it was totally doable.

How the hell do people make time for all of it?  How do the handle it?  How does it not drive them crazy? They exercise and meal prep and don't miss the junk food, they make it to their gym, and work, and all the stuff in between.

Now I'm rambling because I am up late and my brain is going crazy.  So you all get it here.  Sorry.

Days 2 and 3

Day 2

Day two was a little rough, I ran out of bread and eggs and had serious cravings because I didn't have much to eat in the house.  My cravings are all mental based.  Because things taste good.  Not because I'm deficient in vitamins and nutrients or even hungry.

I made it through and went and got bread, eggs, and carb smart ice cream once Lilly went to bed so that Day 3 wouldn't be a failure.

I didn't do any sort of exercise outside of taking Lilly on a bike ride.

Day 3

Day three was much better than Day 2.  I got up and drank a ton of water pretty early in the day.  I always try to drink 1/2 my body weight in ounces per day, and to do that I typically need to consume several 16 ounce glasses of water in the morning or I just don't think about my water consumption.

Many people walk around dehydrated and don't even know it.  While it's true you get some water from juices and other beverages nothing beats water.

I had my aiki ninjutsu class last night, and it was pretty fun as always.  It's not a super intense workout but I always feel it afterwards or the next day.  It was my first time working with a fellow white belt so it was interesting to see how we could figure out how to help each other learn and grow.

What I really like about my dojo is that when I get there I am not shy.  Everyone is so friendly and helpful that I don't even worry about what I'm going to say or how to introduce myself or if I'm going to sound stupid.  The positive energy is really great and I always leave class feeling recharged.

One of my fellow classmates (and white belt) had her purse snatched in Chicago over the weekend and since my dojo teaches S.A.F.E. classes and women's self defense we discussed it a bit because my classmate chased the guy into an alley.  If you've read anything about self defense, this is a big no-no.  My sensei wanted to stress that NO POSSESSION is worth our life.

After that, class was back to normal and we went over kicking with our toes (my goodness I need to work on my balance!), head butting, and ear cupping.  Then we worked on putting some of it together.

I wish I had time to go to more than two classes a week so that I could progress a little more quickly but that's okay.  I'm in no rush but I just have a hard time remembering things sometimes without doing them over and over and it is hard to practice without a partner!

Day One

Yesterday was Day One of my 57 days on track to November 23rd.

It is a re-commitment to myself to see my weight loss journey through to the end.  While I haven't lost any weight this last year, it was a definite learning experience.  Old habits die hard, and one cheat weekend away can send me out of my low carb mentality and straight to junk food city.

I battled scale obsession, stepping on the scale nearly every time I went into the bathroom.  I even tried to remove the scale to no success.

I tried and failed at being a Beachbody Coach, hoping to not only help myself and others.

I learned I can handle some pretty intense workouts with a little bit of modification (HELLO INSANITY!)

I also learned I can maintain my weight with thought.

So that said, I had enough of the up and down of the same 12 pounds and have committed to focusing on getting back on track with low carb eating (that has been the only thing that has worked for me).

I decided after we had Taco Fresco the other night that I would not eat out again until November 23rd (which is when we go get family photos, and right before Thanksgiving).

I wrote it down on my kitchen white board and then decided that I would also commit to 100% low carb.

Then, I wrote a quick blog about it.

Then I decided I would not weigh myself until October 23rd, and then again on November 23rd.  I emptied the batteries out of my scale, and put the batteries and scale in two different places.

I made a list of low carb foods since I have lost the one from my doctor.

I took my notebook and input every date until then, and marked them Days 1 - 57.  I lamented that it wasn't quite 60 days, but Thanksgiving...seriously.  Pumpkin Pie people.

Then I started.

I did fairly well yesterday.  I made sure I woke up, drank a 16 oz glass of water right away.  I did a sort of sad workout that consisted of a warm-up of jogging, some jumping jacks, but then I practiced with my bokken (wooden katana sword for practice) and some of my other ninjutsu techniques I am learning.  I think the class will be very positive for me mentally and physically.  I have worked out but never had set goals in mind with where I wanted to be and the Aiki Ninjutsu is giving me a picture of that.  I want to be quicker, and more flexible.  I want a better mind-body connection so that I move less clumsily.  I want to be able to do a damn push-up.

So I also added on a 25 second plank (it was as long as I could do), three good form sit-ups (sad, I know), and a very very sad attempt at a real push-up, and some very sad attempts at knee push ups.  My core isn't very strong so it makes it hard for me to lower myself, hence the planks.

While not a super intense workout, I am reaching for goals that are practical for what I am studying, and that means I am more likely to continue because I am one of those people that does things for others.  While I want to be fit and lose weight it has never been enough to do it for myself or do it for any reason that is not observed.  It has not been motivation enough, but improving my fitness and skills so that my instructor and fellow classmates can see I am improving is motivation.  Ridiculous at 31, I know.

Anyway, after all that, my food went pretty well for the day, and I finished at 53 carbs.  That's three carbs over my max of 50, but for a first day back, I consider that pretty good.

I also went on a walk and then took Lilly on a bike ride.

It was a good first day.

I am hoping to update here every day.  I left space in my notebook to write my water and food on the front of the page and a journal on the back of the page.  I have to commit to spending the time on it which is difficult with a demanding toddler around so I am sure I will miss logging some days on here, but I will definitely be keeping up with it and re-capping each day, even if some posts have two or three days in them.

Remember: I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

November Twenty-Third

November Twenty-Third.  Just under two months.

No eating out.

100% low carb (that means 20-50 grams of net carbs per day for me).

Until November twenty-third.

I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

The Struggle is Beyond Real

So I have a problem.  I'm still having a very difficult time switching back to 100% low carb mode.  It's the only thing that ever worked for me out of all the bajillion things I have attempted so I really want to make it work again.  So please, please, do not suggest something else.

My issue is, nobody is around to hold me accountable but myself.  I have people telling me I've done great and look good left and right so none of them care if I lose more weight.  Of course I look better at 192 than I did at 250, that's pretty much a given.

I don't hold myself accountable because well, I seem to use the mentality that "I can do it eventually" or "Well this once won't hurt" and once turns into 100.

When I was going to my doctor on a weekly, then bi-weekly, and then monthly basis I did really well.  The bi-weekly was the best for me.  Once he put me to two month check ins it was over.  I kept telling myself I could eat what I wanted the first month then work on it the next, and I stopped going.

I tried to go back but it just didn't work.  He put me back to two month visits and I had to cancel a scheduled appointment or I forgot about it or something and they never called me.

I attempted to have Nick weight me every week but I had to remind him and it didn't last more than a few weeks.

Tried doing stuff on my Instagram but nobody really ever wrote on my exercise posts other than the standard "good job!" so I didn't stick with that either.

I swear I need an accounta-bil-a-buddy.  (Where is that term from?  It's totally in my mind from a movie!")  Because doing it for me has never been enough.

Ridiculous right, they always say do it for yourself, well, I should, and I want the results, but eating junk food just tastes better and I am all egg and chicken breasted out.

I definitely need to come up with a definitive set of reasonable goals and a plan to follow to get to those goals but I need a reason beyond me wanting it to reach those goals.

I have things I want to look good for.  My anniversary on October 26th.  Though Nick will be at work and school.  Then family pictures on November 26th.

I know if I just did low carb for two to three months straight, with minimal cheats, I'd totally make it.  I'd accomplish my goal, or damn near close.  But my mouth is not working with my mind.

On a plus note, aiki ninjutsu is FUN!  I've only been to two classes but I found between the first and second I was really looking forward to going back and my next class is tomorrow and I'm very excited.  I'm having a hard time learning some of the more complex moves but this is no surprise to me because it was the same way with massage therapy.  I had to do it over and over and over.  I'm not one of those ones that can see it one and get it.  I'm just not, and that's okay.

My dojo does not compete so it is a very happy and fun environment, and everyone is very friendly and willing to help you learn.  I haven't really met anyone my age there yet, but do hope I can make a few friends.

They do a getaway every year where they practice and do fun missions or rather "play ninja" as the owners wife called it.  They did a night mission and spear training and stuff you can't do inside the dojo and it sounds like everyone had fun.  Maybe in a few years when Nick is done with school and I've advanced a little bit I can go.

I am hoping through wanting to be better I am able to reach my weight goals.  We have an excellent student creed which is pretty much positive affirmation that I am repeating to myself several times a day.

Jin-Shin: I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

That is only part of the student creed, the other parts pertain to studies and instructors.  But Jin-Shin is a pretty good positive affirmation, even if you don't study aiki ninjitsu.

I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

Now, to set some goals and make a plan!

Suggestions are welcome so long as they don't cost money!  Ha ha!

I Live With an Enabler

Enabler: a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another.

"he criticized her role as an enabler in her husband's pathological womanizing"

I live with an enabler.  He is my husband.

For the past year, I have maintained about a sixty pound weight loss.  "AMAZING!" you may say, but considering I am still overweight, and have about thirty more pounds to lose, and have been actively attempting weight loss for this past year, it's not so amazing in the end.

Now, it is not at all Nick's responsibility to get me to reach my goals.  I fully recognize that.  But there are behaviors that hinder me reaching my goals.

First, I want to be clear that I have a problem.  When presented with two options, one being on my low carb food plan and two being tasty and NOT on my food plan, I will choose number two without hesitation or thought.

For Nick, he doesn't quite understand this.  He's one of those people that all he has to do is decide he's going to do something for set amount of time and he does it.  It is not difficult for him to stay on track with whatever goal it may be, he does it.  Because he said he would.

For me it is much different.  I struggle.  Greatly.  It is an every day battle to fight towards my goals.  It is a mental push and some days the other side wins.  I need all the help I can get.

Nick has often asked me what he can do to help me.  I have told him over and over and over: DO NOT BUY ME FAST FOOD OR JUNK FOOD.  I will do whatever it takes to get it.  

This is not a lie.  I will mention it a billion times about how it sounds good, until he goes and gets it.  I will promise I won't get mad at him later for it.

But I have told him I will try all these these, and I have told him I do not want him to do these things, that he can go get food himself but please, please DO NOT ASK ME IF I WANT ANYTHING!  Because I will say "YES!" when it does nothing to help me reach my goals because in that moment all I am thinking about is food and how it tastes.

He once expressed that he felt bad if he went out for food himself, and didn't get me anything.  Like I was missing out on something.  We discussed it.  Yeah, I may feel like I am missing out at the time, and I could potentially be grumpy, but I can be grumpy because I missed out on some food or completely unhappy with how I look in the mirror because I ate it.

I wish I could be like him.  Set my mind to it and just do it.  Get it over with.  I wish with all my heart.  It would take pressure off me and off him, but that is not how I am.

I wish this was a simple plateau, but it's not.  It's me not controlling my eating.  Me losing that ability.  I've never 100% had that ability even when I was actively losing weight, I cheated more than I should have, but less than what effected me.  I would have reached goal in those first eight months had I stuck to my plan 100%.  But there were just too many days I couldn't.  Too many fast food runs, celebrations, invites out for one reason or another.  Situations where I cannot seem to make smart decisions for myself.  Boy do we all celebrate with food too!  Birthdays, holidays, any sort of get together.  Food.

Now, back to the enabling situation.  Yesterday Nick mentioned IHOP sounded good.  I had already been thinking about hashbrowns.  Which, on a low carb diet are contraband.  With both proceeded to look up coupons.  Once one was located we went.  Without question or thought, we went.  We used to go all the time when I was 230 pounds.  It's nice to go out to eat.  To have someone else cook, but I was also 230 pounds and obese.

Then, later, I hadn't even thought about dinner.  Being on low carb I almost always eat something different than everyone else.  So many family dishes that I know how to cook are full of carbs.  I'm a horrible cook too, by the way, and low carb options are few and far between on a budget.  So I mentioned that what I really wanted was pizza and pie.

Well, we sat around for awhile after that and Nick had to get gas and we go to Sam's Club for that because of the discount.  "Does Sam's have pizza?" Nick asks.  So I look it up, they do.  Of course.

He came home with a ginormous pizza and an equally large apple pie.  He says "with great power, comes great responsibility".  I think this entire past year proves I am horribly irresponsible when it comes to my eating habits.

I ate six squares of pizza (it was so large it had to be cut into squares), and two larger pieces of pie. 

After that I had told myself in my head that tomorrow (which is now today) I would get back on track and fully commit to myself.

But that pie was in the fridge this morning.  So I had a piece.  It was so good, in fact, that I had another.

I cut a piece out for Nick, stuck it in a tupperware, and am seriously considering throwing the rest out, though Nick thought we could freeze the rest of it.  But if we freeze it, it's still there for me to eat again someday.  Because I can't stay out of it.  Because it's apple pie and it's one of my favorites and it's quite delicious and sounds way better than eggs or baked chicken for the 1,000th time.

Instead of asking me "Does Sam's have pizza?"  I really, really wish he would have said "Yeah, it does sound good, but it doesn't get you closer to your goals."

That's the ideal answer.  It's not about commenting on how much I've ate when I eat it.  No, that makes me pissed off, but when I bring up bad food, saying "But it doesn't help you reach your goals" is such a helpful way to make me really, really think about it.  The next step after that, even if I say I don't care, would be saying "yes you do", and then NOT GOING TO GO GET ME FOOD!

Why am I sharing this publicly?  Because our conversations in the past seem not to help, and I am back up to 189.8 after having reached 177.6 just after my birthday.  So in less than a month I have gained back 12.2 pounds keeping me in the 180's doing the same dance I've done for the past YEAR.  How many times have I lost these same 12 pounds over and over again this past year I cannot even tell you.

All I know, is that I need more long-term support at home.  I can't do this alone.  I thought Beachbody would help but it was an added stressor.  Add on that we have a special function to go to on September 10th and I am already dreading it because I know I will be presented with food choices that aren't in line with my goals.  It makes me anxious to be honest.  I worry about following plan at functions because I worry people will comment and to be honest, it makes me uncomfortable to think people watch my food.  "Did you have enough?"  "Do you want more?"  All questions that give me anxiety because you don't want to be rude or seem like you're not eating, but so often options in line with low-carb aren't available and I hate drawing attention to myself.  Like, being in the spotlight makes me really uncomfortable.

But I just want to be healthy.  I am still overweight, I want to FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, step on the scale and be in the "normal" weight range.  I haven't been a normal weight since at least junior high.  I want to know what that looks like.  I want to know what it's like to have an occasion to go to and not be worried about what I'll look like when I have to sit down.

But I need help to reach my goals.  I need not to be presented with options that go against my low carb plan.  YES, I have tried this past year to switch it up and do another plan that was not low-carb and that was also a cheat fest and I did not lose weight.  So please, please, don't suggest that to me because yes, I tried it, and no, it did not work.

As an end note, if a family member has goals, whatever they may be, don't enable their bad habits that prevent them from reaching them.  It may seem helpful in the moment but in the long run you are doing nothing but damaging them.

When the Faire is Over

I know it's been awhile since I have posted.  I haven't been exercising and I've sort of been following my food plan.  up to 182.  I guess that's okay.  I'm not happy with it but I'm also in this "I don't really care right now" phase because I'm really, really tried of following food plans.  I have changed it up.  It's not that low carb isn't working, it does, it's that I don't have the motivation to follow it and right now no food plan would really work because I don't really feel like tracking any sort of plan.  That's just the truth of it.

I've bee working on sewing projects for my garb for Ren faire.  I had two failed corsets, one failed pouch, a successful-ish pouch, a successful shirt, and some bracers.  I received my bodice as an early, early, early Christmas gift (mother's day and birthday were used up when I bought the Beauty and the Beast tickets), and I sold an old bodice to buy my new skirt.

Still really not pleased with the look.  I went with purple because I didn't like the company I went withs greens and now I want a green outfit.  I've attempted to sell a few more pieces that no longer fit as well as a baby carrier that I never used but is $200 new with no luck.

We went to the faire and I had a lovely time.  Lilly was left behind with her grandma and we were free to just enjoy the day.  Nick played Pokemon Go because the faire had tons of stops and a few gyms and I mainly people watched.  It was kinda glorious.  I saw a beautiful green hat that actually looked good on me (most hats don't) but with no monies I no gets the pretties.

Anyway, now it is after the faire.  It is over and I have nothing to look forward to.  The downstairs is a total disaster filled with scraps of fabric and some other crafts I have yet to pick up.  I'd been working until Lilly woke up from her nap or it was time to go to bed so I haven't exactly had the most time to pick up.

I did get to visit an old friend last week too, and that was enjoyable as well.  When you become a mom if you don't schedule time to yourself you don't have time to yourself.  You give up those long weekends of crafting, or reading, or the ability to just go anywhere without even realizing it.  I know Lilly is also more demanding than other kids her age.  I can't have my computer out, I have to constantly watch her or interact with her so that she doesn't try to climb on anything she shouldn't.  Which is fine, she's my daughter, I love spending time with her.  But you sacrifice the time for yourself.

So yeah, where am I even going with this post?  Well, I'm just blah again.  I felt so relaxed at the fair for the most part and now I'm back to just taking care of Lilly and the house.  The house is neglected.  Badly.  But I don't exactly feel like woman of the year when I do clean it up.  It's not rewarding in the least.  Other than to see a clean house and laundry all put away.

I got myself so stressed out exercising and trying to loose weight for my Beachbody business that while I know I should get back to the grind I am totally put off that idea.

I want fabric to make a few more pieces of garb for myself but I can't find the fabric I want at a reasonable price or in the US.

I hate this blah empty feeling.  I hate it.  I need time to myself, I need to work on my weight loss, I want to craft, I want to figure out how to make money.  I feel like a whiny record but I'm 31, I need a purpose or a passion in life that is not just my daughter but dear god I need the time for that passion too.

How the hell do people get out of these ruts?  How do I figure it out?  Right now I really need a work from home job that is not direct marketing.  But like, nobody has those.  Unless they have a marketable skill.  Which, I honestly don't have.

And if anyone can tell me where to find green taffeta that is not puke olive and not $20 a yard or in Thailand that would be awesome.

I'm just frustrated as hell.  I need to figure it all out and I don't even know where to start.

Because I Haven't Written In Awhile

I haven't fallen off the wagon!  I promise!

I hit 179 the day before my birthday, and put the scale back away.  I did have cake (a teal and pink Monster High one I made for myself!), and a birthday meal (which turned to be a bit of a disaster due to the taco place making my tacos wrong!) and I had dessert at a family gathering the other night.  But I have remained focused the rest of the time.

I will step on the scale at the end of the month and see where I'm at to set myself up for August.  I think weighing in once every few weeks is a good way to keep track without getting back into the bad habit of scale obsession.  Once a week is too much for me and I slip into bad habits of weighing in multiple times a day.  I can definitely say that I am much happier on a daily basis regarding food and eating.

I haven't worked out for about a week because I wanted food to be my focus like when I originally started my journey.  It has also been hellishly hot and running as not been an option.  Or at least, not for me.  I will not run in 90+ degree weather.  I don't feel like passing out from heat stroke thank you very much.

I have been doing some crafting and some sewing.  I attempted to make myself a corset for the Renaissance Faire because I have shrunk out of mine (at about $200 each that is a hard blow.  I've had both pieces for about ten years but they are like new and it makes me sad) but I also tried drafting my own pattern for them and it did not go well at all.  It was rather sad to be honest.  Nick was so kind as to let me order a new one, which is adjustable and I will shrink into, as an early early Christmas present.  It is very different than the other pieces I had, in that it is PURPLE, and not the standard black, so I do forsee some more sewing in my future in the way of shirts and skirts, which I am very good at sewing.

I also made some polymer clay baby fairies, or they will be fairies, one has a test run of wings, but I melted the cellophane too much.  The technique I used can also be done with large wings, for children and adults, so you bet I will be crafting some in the future for Lilly and I.  Because why not?  You use an embossing gun (for scrapbooking) to heat up the cellophane around a wire base and it gets pretty hard but is lightweight and so pretty!

Leftover Easter basket cellophane, it got crinkled up.  If you use fresh cellophane the wings are glassy.

Without wings.  I painted these ones and used chalk pastel for shading, opposed to the other one, which was all paint.  They need a coat of setting spray before I apply wings.

The wire I originally bought for the wings is too stiff, so I plan on using it to sculpt some Elf ear cuffs.  If you haven't seen them, type it into Pinterest, there are some amazing ones!  I've never wire wrapped before so I know I'm going to have to learn a lot. Elf Ear Cuff's on Pinterest!

I also made a purchase of two new Monster High dolls.  I have a small collection, if you didn't know, and Mattel has rebooted the line with a new, brighter look.  I've been mostly underwhelmed with the new dolls hitting the shelves but the Moanica D'Kay was so fab with her brains purse and ribcage jewelry I used birthday money to get a two pack of her and Draculara, whose new face paint I like more because her character has always been bubbly.

Moanica D'Kay and new Draculara.  Her purse is a brain and her earrings are worms!  Her boots are also brains.

The collection.  I won some in an online contest and have purchased some.  I also have a Disney Merida, her mother Elinor, and her father Fergus as well as a few Barbies and vintage 1960's Barbies in poor condition.  I really regret donating all my childhood dolls.  I had ALL the Disney dolls.  One day, I want Lilly to be able to play with them!

I have always, and will always, love dolls and cartoons.  Disney, anime, I even like My Little Pony.  They are bright, and happy, and colorful.  So much of being an adult is not.  We rush as kids to grow up for freedom but in reality you have so much more of it as a kid.  The dolls and cartoons add fun and brightness to my every day life.  Same with Renaissance Faires and costuming.

So, that's what I've been up to!  I am thankful for those that follow, read, and my one comment, and I apologize for my rant post.  Sometimes I get really down, depression runs in my family and while I have mine under control I do think it can really rear it's ugly head every now and then.  I think one of the main things was that I was really disappointed Beachbody didn't work out for me, and I need more of an identity than mommy.  I love Lilly with all my heart but when I was spending all my time on her and working out I was burning myself out, so the crafting as been a nice thing for me.

Nick and I have discussed me taking an adult enrichment class once a week, and I'll be looking into an art class most likely.  It's sad though, the community centers had a few I wanted to join, like cartoon drawing, but they were for under 18 years of age!  I don't think I'll ever fully grow up!

Feeling Like I Don't Have a Plan or Purpose

The past few days since I've ended my attempt at being a Beachbody coach have left me a bit depressed.  I wanted to help people lose weight, get healthy, be happy, and make money doing it.

Not having any income to call my own really bothers me.  Being on as tight of a budget at we are really bothers me.  We definitely are doing better than many people but there are things I wish I could help with or think less about, such as updating my wardrobe or sticking so close to the grocery budget.

Prior to becoming a Beachbody coach I looked into starting a Home Kitchen Operation making baked goods.  Because I do love baking and decorating cakes and cookies.  However, due to Illinois law and the county and city our home resides in I am unable to do so.  I would have to work with the City of Aurora to add in an amendment to their municipal code and they don't even address this particular law because they use the county health department but the county refuses to address individual cities for the home kitchen law.  I could sell at Farmers Markets but with the cost for a booth and Nick in school it wasn't an option.  I'd have to take Lilly and we all know how well that would go!

I currently am still a licensed massage therapist but my license is up at the end of the year.  I am choosing not to renew it.  The continuing education courses are costly and most therapists get paid per massage, which is difficult for me because my body doesn't seem to like doing more than four a day.  Working in a chiropractic office was great to compensate for this but the hours were not.  Split shifts every day, basically gone for 12 hours a day because of it.  With Nick in school being gone eleven hours a day himself for work and sometimes more with school finding a daycare provider for those hours was out of the question.  Among other things.

Due to his current school schedule and study needs getting a retail job on weekends is also out of the question.  Lilly demands attention and engagement and he would not be able to study while I was at work.  Working on weekends and holidays would also limit family time greatly.

I want to help provide financially for my family.  I don't expect a disposable income, but I would like to worry less about buying things I may want for myself and my family.

I am good at crafting but not great in any special area.  I like to sew and have always wanted to know how to actually construct my own patterns so I was thinking of taking a class or two, just for fun so I could create better costume pieces and came across a local community colleges Fashion certificate program and was kind of interested.  It had basics on sewing, draping, and pattern drafting, as well as couture techniques among many other useful sewing skills.  I am a hands on learner and youtube doesn't always help me.

But once again, like the home kitchen operations, Illinois sort of screwed me over.  They have community college districts and if you aren't in a particular district you have to pay out-of-district fees.  $152 per credit hour for in-district compared to $360 something out-of-district.  HUGE cost difference.  Do you want to know where the district line is?  The train tracks behind our town home.  We are on the wrong side of those tracks.  The district we are in, does not offer a similar Fashion program.

It's like the Home Kitchen Operations disappointment all over again, because you see, if I lived in the city next to us, I could bake and sell cakes and cookies from my kitchen.  Wanna know where that line is?  The train tracks south of her and a bit to the east.  Right on the line of both.  It feels like I'm cheated.

I want to be so much more than just Lilly's mom.  I want to have purpose.  I don't have friends I hang out with.  Likely even if I had friends who did want to hang out with me, I wouldn't be able to go because of budget and Lilly and Nick's schedule.

I hate that I am almost 31 and still have no life plan.  I feel like a failure in this aspect.  No career track.  Many things prevented me from getting a real college degree and I kick myself every day for not doing so.  Even if it meant working a job I hated at least I'd have a decent income to help provide for my family so Nick wasn't carrying all the financial burden.

So that is where I am at. I feel like I have no plan or purpose to my life past taking care of my daughter and pretending to take care of the house (because dishes and laundry routinely pile up). I am eating according to my low carb plan so that is good.  Terrified it isn't working since I put the scale up but I'm trying to trust the process.

One Scale To Rule Them All and in the Darkness Bind Them!

Seriously.  Let's talk about the evil scale.

Last year, I threw my old scale out.  It was driving me crazy because it was all over the place as far as accuracy.  But then, after my wisdom tooth removal and getting off track with my eating I freaked out and went and bought a new one.

I've tried to get rid of it a few times, or well, put it in another room and forget it, but it kept coming back.

Last night I took the batteries out, threw them away, and put the scale up.

I had seriously forgotten one of the major reasons I had started this journey in the first place: HEALTH.  That's right.  My health.  Now, at 242 pounds that scale number was rather important to my health.  At 180-something not so much.  I am still overweight by all basic standards but after so long trying to reach a healthy weight I had become obsessed with the scale and was using it to determine all progress.  It just doesn't work that way when you're building muscle and whatnot!  Add on the fact that women can gain 5-10 pounds during their period, it really isn't the best tool to use.

Neither, for me, is the tape measure.  Because I can bloat and I can bloat bad.  Usually induced by carbs I can see two inches of bloat on my stomach.  I can feel when I am, I can see when I am, but sometimes I still crack that tape measure out to see.  Then I get depressed.

Now, this won't happen to everyone.  I am someone who has lived my entire life pretty much not liking what I see in the mirror.  That's right.  Even now I look in the mirror and I fail to like my body.  I've never known what it is like to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.  Even on my wedding day I looked into the mirror with disappointment.  I was pregnant and had gained weight and my dress didn't fit at all like I wanted it to.  When I look at pictures from my wedding that is about all that I see.  

So, of course with those issues which I am sure many women and men have, the scale and the tape measure aren't really my friends.

I needed to take a step back, remember my daughter, who will be watching my every move, and put the scale up.  I was stepping on it several times a day.  I became way too familiar with how my weight could and would fluctuate and it started creeping into my eating habits.  As in, I was become afraid to eat.

This, my friends, is how eating disorders are developed I'm pretty sure.  So I'm stopping myself before it gets out of control and I will focus on getting back to low carb which has worked for me when other food plans haven't, and tracking what I eat and working out to get strong.

Because I tell Lilly I am working out to get strong and when I put on my exercise clothes she says "Mama exercise, mama get strong" and I want her to keep that in her head.  That exercise is for getting strong, not losing weight.  I don't want her thinking I hate my body, and developing those same hateful thoughts.  It's why I teach her "we love our tummies" even when I don't love mine.  I will fake it until I make it because I'll be damned if she grows up with my insecurities.

So, back to the basics.  Low carb for more than a few days, tracking what I eat, and hopefully just seeing the changes through pictures.  Eventually I'll pull the scale back out, but for now, the important part is stress free progress.

Bad Days and Letting Go

This picture was done on my digital camera and is so dang blurry.

Today is a bad day.  That's okay.

We all have bad days.  Our weights will bounce all over the place sometimes.  I am retaining water, and it is bothering me because the scale no longer reflects the past two weeks.

I posted about this bad day on my personal Facebook page.  I also posted about my struggles with that, and my Beachbody business on my team group.

I was told to be careful posting the negative stuff on my personal Facebook page because it was bad for sales.

Well, let me tell you about my sales:  I had none.  I tried.  I did.  I was wanting to and hoping to change lives.  I wanted so bad to show people it could be done.  It can be done, and I wanted to make some money doing it because as a stay at home mom I really want to contribute income to my family to ease the budget a bit.

But I had a hard time making new connections and old ones already had coaches.  Or they weren't interested.  The coach fee is only $15 a month but that adds up when things are tight.

Then to be told not to post about the reality of weight loss struggles on my personal page.  Nope.  Not going to do it.  Not for me.  I am real.

Weight loss is HARD.  There are no pills or wraps or easy outs.  You have to eat right and exercise is good for you (I lost 25 pounds just by changing my diet).  You will reach a plateau.  Just about every Instagram account I follow, which is a lot, I am witnessing women who have done awesome but are currently or recently struggling to move forward.

I witness women who have emotional eating problems.  Stress eating problems.  Bored eating problems.  Binge eating problems.  All women who have been successful but that may be experiencing a plateau.

With two inches of bloat around my waist no, I'm not going to be happy and thrilled and peppy about it, and I won't hide it or lie about it.  It's reality.  I am in a plateau, it is not easy, I have been here since October, I am doing the right things, I am retaining water, and I am upset about it and I was up since 2 am crying on and off about it.

That is the TRUTH.  I am having a bad day.  It happens in this journey, there are many of them.

LETTING GO:

Trying to make the Beachbody business work for me was stressing me out.  I was witnessing many women be very successful at it and was not seeing it for myself while trying to maintain a household budget because I don't work.  I was trying to make new connections and post and show progress and work on progress and take care of Lilly who doesn't sleep I swear, and it just was stressing me out.

It works for people and I still like the products.  I will still follow 21 Day Fix until the end and I will probably do another round or so.  I am keeping my On Demand because it's one heck of a deal, and I have cancelled my coach status.

This frees me up to review all sorts of things and products and just to be myself and focus once again 100% on me.  I saw some AMAZING women do some great things with coaching, but ultimately I could not make it work for me.  I would say the biggest reason is because I refused to cold invite people I did not know.  It didn't feel right and as a previous post which I have to edit some, my ethics wouldn't allow me to do so.

If it doesn't feel right, if it's not working, it's time to change.  Nick gave me three months for the Beachbody coaching to work and he graciously let me continue past that (I say graciously because he is the one working to put food in front of my face while I neglect the dishes and laundry that piles up), but I think it was time to let it go.

My hope moving forward is to continue with this blog and my Instagram and my business page, which I have changed to the Have Your Cake and Fitness Too page.  I'm in the process of deleting all the Beachbody info (I have to get rid of anything that looks like I am a coach) but I plan on adding more helpful and inspiring and FUN things.

I want us all to succeed.  I do.  I want nothing more than my family and friends to be happy and healthy.  If I can help you, I will do that.  Now it just comes free, as it should have always been.