Who I Am

I've been having a bit of an identity crisis for several months now.  Being a stay at home mom to a toddler consumes all your time on one thing: Your child.  I am lucky I get to stay home with her, but she is demanding and leaves not much time to myself.

Since I was in junior high I've always wondered where I belonged.  I moved around from group of friends to group of friends and never really figured it out.  I wanted desperately to fit in like I think most kids do, and as a result didn't make any particularly strong bonds though I will say there is one friend I can think of that was my best friend and I do wish I had kept in contact after high school with her.  That one is on me.

I always felt uncomfortable in high school and a lot of those feelings still exist to this day.

When I was 242 pounds I thought that all I wanted to do was get back to my high school weight, now that I am here I am deeply reminded how unhappy I am with that and know why I was.  But it also starts bringing up reflections on other things about me, like my personality.

I still have a stupid desire/need to fit in.  I don't like drawing attention to myself and do not handle compliments well.  It's nice to get them but they also make me feel super awkward.  To make matters more difficult my hobbies and interests are not what most would consider conventional for a person of my age and as a result I feel like I can't really share them or people will think I'm weird.  Not to mention it makes conversations with people you've never met uncomfortable because my general assumption is that nobody would be interested in them either.  So there I am in a large group at a party or something and I never know what to say.  Thank goodness for extroverts that know how to carry conversations because I am of no help at all.

So who am I?  It was something I pondered last night as I couldn't sleep.  I still haven't found my personal style.  Clothes are just clothes and I don't love too many of the items I own.  My hair and make-up (or lack thereof) are just in a state of chaos these days.  Likely in part to toddlerville and in part to a horrible hack job of a haircut a year ago.

So who am I?  Who do I want to be?  Here comes my freak flag:

• I am completely obsessed with anime these days.  It is really all I want to watch.  Most of the shonen stories (written for teenage boys) are really fun and have a good amount of action and I really like the romance stories written for girls because they tend to be ridiculously cheesy.  I am so interested in this that I started reading about voice actors (as I'm starting to recognize them and most anime I watch is English subtitles so I am recognizing Japanese voice actors).  What I find fascinating is that anime isn't like our cartoons, which the cartoon comes first and the runoff merchandise second, but they are mostly based in manga, which are typically black and white comics.  The artwork in the manga can be amazing.  I never thought I'd love black and white line drawings so much.  They're beautiful.  There are also a good bit of anime based on interactive story games, that result in several different story endings.  It can be frustrating for me because I like one path for characters but it's also kind of cool.
• I love Halloween.  This isn't really unknown, but if I could have all the decorations, I would.  Good thing we are on a tight budget.
• I wear jeans and t-shirts every day.  You will not see me outside the house in yoga pants or workout pants unless I am actually working out.  I feel sloppy and naked if I am not in jeans.
• I don't like that I only wear jeans and t-shirts.  I wear this because it's easy and I am always spilling or ripping my nice clothes, never my t-shirts, but always my nice clothes.  Maybe because the fabrics are more delicate or something.  I don't know.  I really want to look put together, with a style and fashion of my own, complete with styled hair, perfect glamorous make-up, and accessories.  I have no idea how to put real outfits together which is why I revert to jeans and t-shirts.
• Another part of me really wants to buy up all my favorite fandom t-shirts and wear them proudly.  Or find out how to wear them so I don't look 12?
• Right now I really, really want magenta hair with purple roots.  I think crazy colored hair is GORGEOUS when dyed properly and styled nicely.  Look it up on Instagram and there is a beautiful world of amazing colorists who are true artists.
• I will likely never dye my hair a crazy color again (I did purple myself in high school but it looked blue and I damaged my hair because I didn't know what I was doing).  I am too worried about what others will think.  I don't want people thinking I'm being foolish or childish.  I know that brightly colored hair is not for everyone, but I wish people judged less because color is beautiful.  In nature, in clothing, in artwork.  Why not add color to ourselves?  I really wish I could ignore my need to please other people.
• I hate that I am a jack of all crafting trades, master of none.  I would love to be a great costumer/seamstress and I really, really, wish I was great at drawing.  They may not be practical hobbies to have but I have pictures inside my head of things I want to make and I can't execute them because I have never taken the time to work on my skills.  I do enjoy decorating cakes but that will likely be something I never perfect because I like frosting too much and I would taste test too often and gain a ton of weight.  This is the truth.
• I love Renaissance Faires.  I love to go and dress up in costume.  I love watching people in costumes, admiring how they put them together to form characters, because yes, these people create their own characters and they can go down to the tiniest detail to portray them.
• I really like fantasy novels.  It is my favorite genre.  Not Sci-Fi.  Fantasy.  As a result, they are my favorite types of movies as well.  Though I will tack on Pirates of the Caribbean because I once loved those movies so much I could memorize them.  Probably in my head still somewhere but not now.
• I wish wish wish I had the patience and time to be one of those girls who does full on make-up with lashes.  It always looks so polished and pretty.  I don't care if you can tell they're wearing make-up, they look great and have the ability to completely transform their face.  Which, I don't really like mine to be honest so I'd love to know how to do it.
• Because of my newfound love of anime, when looking for a class to take to get out of the house I joked about karate classes and then ended up seriously considering them and ended up in Aiki Ninjitsu classes.  I love them.  I feel amazing after them.  I have a hard time learning some of the moves but I do plan to continue.  I really hope I don't fizzle out and get upset at slow progress.  I really hope the cost of classes isn't much more than the special they were just running.  If it is, I'll have a hard time justifying the cost in my head, since I don't work.  But I really think it would be awesome if I could accomplish a black belt someday.  I've never done anything like that.
• I STILL have no idea what career I'd be happy with.  I haven't fallen into anything either.  I really hate waking up and going in on a schedule, it's something I have always had a very difficult time with and I actually burn out really easily.  It's hard to admit that because most adults CAN handle it and I feel kind of like a failure admitting it.  I want to work for myself which is why I went into massage therapy, but I quickly learned that even with good body mechanics my body and mind couldn't handle enough work to do it on my own.  I enjoyed it, and liked working at the chiropractic offices but the hours sucked (either too little and didn't know when I was going to work until sometimes THAT DAY or a stupid split shift where I was gone 12 hours a day).  I am not renewing my license.  The cost of continuing education was too expensive to justify.  I also kind of hated it at times because there were some days I just really didn't want to touch people.  Part of the reason I think I like the fantasy genre and anime so much are because I think regular life is pretty boring and the characters tend to be dynamic and have interesting things going on.
• Back to the fashion side: I have a very difficult time investing in clothing.  It's expensive and wears out, and again, I tend to destroy my nice clothes easily.  As a result, my wardrobe really is small.  My husband owns more clothes than I do.  He has more shoes too.  Since I don't bring in an income it also makes it difficult for me to be a typical woman and have a stylish wardrobe because after a pair of dressy shoes and tennis shoes I feel like everything else is extra and not a necessary spending cost and if it's not necessary it's not needed.  If I had a bigger budget I would have a ton of shoes and items from Modcloth and half of my style crisis would be solved.
• I prayed that Lilly would be all the things I am not before she was born and before I even knew she was a girl.  I am terribly afraid she will be self conscious, shy, and a strict rule follower.  I want her, and her life, to be bold and bright and amazing.  As a rule follower and someone who is shy I have greatly limited my potential as well as my life experiences.  I rarely do anything that is not "by the book".  I don't like being this way, but don't find it easy to change.

So, in short.  I love anime, Halloween, Renaissance faires, fantasy stories, and I'd love to be a glamorous brightly colored, skirt wearing, artist but am stuck in t-shirt and jeans hell because "it's practical".

I sincerely hope I did not rant too much and that most of my thoughts were clear.  I don't really edit posts so you get it as it comes out.

Days 4 and 5

*sigh*

Day Four was awful.  I won't lie.  I did NOT stick to plan.  It was grocery shopping day and I ate goldfish crackers and once I started I had a few more than just a few.  Not a huge amount, but like, two servings for sure.

I'm still not motivated to exercise every day.  I'm groggy in the morning, Lilly pulls at me, her wake-up time is unpredictable so waking up before her is a no-go, and with my sleep patterns and her sleep patterns and the fact that I want to spend time with Nick in the evenings, well, there goes working out at night.

Some people can say those are just excuses, and maybe they are, but there is a balance and I'm sorry but sleep and Nick are priorities.  You cannot be healthy with no sleep.

Day Five has not been so bad.  I did eat over 50 carbs but I tried.  I didn't go crazy.  I had extra low carb bread and some low carb ice cream which put me over.  I will say, I did great in the morning but that MAY be due to the fact that I was consumed by a ridiculous visual novel game on my phone.  Basically, it's like those books where you choose what happens next.  Some of it is super interactive (like a chat room) and other bits are less so.  The characters all all drawn like manga/anime.  I say it's ridiculous because it was an otome game, which basically means outside of the plot line you choose a character as a love interest and the games I think are targeted towards teenage girls/girls in their young 20's.  I'm 31 with a kid, I should have other things to do, but I guess I consider it like anyone who reads a romance novel and in the end, the story line went beyond the romance and had some pretty cool twists!

ANYWAY....

I'm writing this now because I can't sleep.  It's 12:34.  Did I mention I broke out the scale again?  I couldn't help it.  The first few days I saw loss, but now it jumped back up and I'm going crazy in my head.  Why did it, what am I doing wrong.  If I get rid of the scale will it crawl up?

I'm very disappointed in myself.  I'm trying to log day by day so that I can be accountable, so that I can pretend people are reading and following and routing for me to meet my goal, but at the end of the day, I don't think anyone cares if I lose any more weight or not and I'm not enough.  It sounds stupid.  But I just can't get my mind into the game for myself.  I am trying.  I really, really am.  But food wins over my willpower quite often.

And that damn scale.  I hate to throw it out because it was expensive and I will freak.  Well, not only that, but I fear if I throw it out I will no longer really care.  I got rid of a lot of my bigger clothes that were nice, but I still have bigger jeans and my tshirts will always fit so I know that I could easily slip and gain it all back.

Well, I mean, look at me.  For my birthday I made it down to 177 and I'm at 192 now.  I was struggling then.  So hard.  Vowed I'd keep going, and I didn't.  And here I am, above the 180's, close to being obese again.

I am sorry if anyone is following and I let you down.  I'm letting myself down.  I'm angry at myself. I just can't seem to do it, and there are so many other things I'd love to take the time to focus on too.  My polymer clay, my drawing, my ninjutsu classes, Lilly, and yes, even taking the time to play that game.  I think I have read one book since Lilly was born.  I love read.  I don't have much time to sit around and read like I used to.  That ridiculous game only takes pieces of time here and there so it was totally doable.

How the hell do people make time for all of it?  How do the handle it?  How does it not drive them crazy? They exercise and meal prep and don't miss the junk food, they make it to their gym, and work, and all the stuff in between.

Now I'm rambling because I am up late and my brain is going crazy.  So you all get it here.  Sorry.

Days 2 and 3

Day 2

Day two was a little rough, I ran out of bread and eggs and had serious cravings because I didn't have much to eat in the house.  My cravings are all mental based.  Because things taste good.  Not because I'm deficient in vitamins and nutrients or even hungry.

I made it through and went and got bread, eggs, and carb smart ice cream once Lilly went to bed so that Day 3 wouldn't be a failure.

I didn't do any sort of exercise outside of taking Lilly on a bike ride.

Day 3

Day three was much better than Day 2.  I got up and drank a ton of water pretty early in the day.  I always try to drink 1/2 my body weight in ounces per day, and to do that I typically need to consume several 16 ounce glasses of water in the morning or I just don't think about my water consumption.

Many people walk around dehydrated and don't even know it.  While it's true you get some water from juices and other beverages nothing beats water.

I had my aiki ninjutsu class last night, and it was pretty fun as always.  It's not a super intense workout but I always feel it afterwards or the next day.  It was my first time working with a fellow white belt so it was interesting to see how we could figure out how to help each other learn and grow.

What I really like about my dojo is that when I get there I am not shy.  Everyone is so friendly and helpful that I don't even worry about what I'm going to say or how to introduce myself or if I'm going to sound stupid.  The positive energy is really great and I always leave class feeling recharged.

One of my fellow classmates (and white belt) had her purse snatched in Chicago over the weekend and since my dojo teaches S.A.F.E. classes and women's self defense we discussed it a bit because my classmate chased the guy into an alley.  If you've read anything about self defense, this is a big no-no.  My sensei wanted to stress that NO POSSESSION is worth our life.

After that, class was back to normal and we went over kicking with our toes (my goodness I need to work on my balance!), head butting, and ear cupping.  Then we worked on putting some of it together.

I wish I had time to go to more than two classes a week so that I could progress a little more quickly but that's okay.  I'm in no rush but I just have a hard time remembering things sometimes without doing them over and over and it is hard to practice without a partner!

Day One

Yesterday was Day One of my 57 days on track to November 23rd.

It is a re-commitment to myself to see my weight loss journey through to the end.  While I haven't lost any weight this last year, it was a definite learning experience.  Old habits die hard, and one cheat weekend away can send me out of my low carb mentality and straight to junk food city.

I battled scale obsession, stepping on the scale nearly every time I went into the bathroom.  I even tried to remove the scale to no success.

I tried and failed at being a Beachbody Coach, hoping to not only help myself and others.

I learned I can handle some pretty intense workouts with a little bit of modification (HELLO INSANITY!)

I also learned I can maintain my weight with thought.

So that said, I had enough of the up and down of the same 12 pounds and have committed to focusing on getting back on track with low carb eating (that has been the only thing that has worked for me).

I decided after we had Taco Fresco the other night that I would not eat out again until November 23rd (which is when we go get family photos, and right before Thanksgiving).

I wrote it down on my kitchen white board and then decided that I would also commit to 100% low carb.

Then, I wrote a quick blog about it.

Then I decided I would not weigh myself until October 23rd, and then again on November 23rd.  I emptied the batteries out of my scale, and put the batteries and scale in two different places.

I made a list of low carb foods since I have lost the one from my doctor.

I took my notebook and input every date until then, and marked them Days 1 - 57.  I lamented that it wasn't quite 60 days, but Thanksgiving...seriously.  Pumpkin Pie people.

Then I started.

I did fairly well yesterday.  I made sure I woke up, drank a 16 oz glass of water right away.  I did a sort of sad workout that consisted of a warm-up of jogging, some jumping jacks, but then I practiced with my bokken (wooden katana sword for practice) and some of my other ninjutsu techniques I am learning.  I think the class will be very positive for me mentally and physically.  I have worked out but never had set goals in mind with where I wanted to be and the Aiki Ninjutsu is giving me a picture of that.  I want to be quicker, and more flexible.  I want a better mind-body connection so that I move less clumsily.  I want to be able to do a damn push-up.

So I also added on a 25 second plank (it was as long as I could do), three good form sit-ups (sad, I know), and a very very sad attempt at a real push-up, and some very sad attempts at knee push ups.  My core isn't very strong so it makes it hard for me to lower myself, hence the planks.

While not a super intense workout, I am reaching for goals that are practical for what I am studying, and that means I am more likely to continue because I am one of those people that does things for others.  While I want to be fit and lose weight it has never been enough to do it for myself or do it for any reason that is not observed.  It has not been motivation enough, but improving my fitness and skills so that my instructor and fellow classmates can see I am improving is motivation.  Ridiculous at 31, I know.

Anyway, after all that, my food went pretty well for the day, and I finished at 53 carbs.  That's three carbs over my max of 50, but for a first day back, I consider that pretty good.

I also went on a walk and then took Lilly on a bike ride.

It was a good first day.

I am hoping to update here every day.  I left space in my notebook to write my water and food on the front of the page and a journal on the back of the page.  I have to commit to spending the time on it which is difficult with a demanding toddler around so I am sure I will miss logging some days on here, but I will definitely be keeping up with it and re-capping each day, even if some posts have two or three days in them.

Remember: I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

November Twenty-Third

November Twenty-Third.  Just under two months.

No eating out.

100% low carb (that means 20-50 grams of net carbs per day for me).

Until November twenty-third.

I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

The Struggle is Beyond Real

So I have a problem.  I'm still having a very difficult time switching back to 100% low carb mode.  It's the only thing that ever worked for me out of all the bajillion things I have attempted so I really want to make it work again.  So please, please, do not suggest something else.

My issue is, nobody is around to hold me accountable but myself.  I have people telling me I've done great and look good left and right so none of them care if I lose more weight.  Of course I look better at 192 than I did at 250, that's pretty much a given.

I don't hold myself accountable because well, I seem to use the mentality that "I can do it eventually" or "Well this once won't hurt" and once turns into 100.

When I was going to my doctor on a weekly, then bi-weekly, and then monthly basis I did really well.  The bi-weekly was the best for me.  Once he put me to two month check ins it was over.  I kept telling myself I could eat what I wanted the first month then work on it the next, and I stopped going.

I tried to go back but it just didn't work.  He put me back to two month visits and I had to cancel a scheduled appointment or I forgot about it or something and they never called me.

I attempted to have Nick weight me every week but I had to remind him and it didn't last more than a few weeks.

Tried doing stuff on my Instagram but nobody really ever wrote on my exercise posts other than the standard "good job!" so I didn't stick with that either.

I swear I need an accounta-bil-a-buddy.  (Where is that term from?  It's totally in my mind from a movie!")  Because doing it for me has never been enough.

Ridiculous right, they always say do it for yourself, well, I should, and I want the results, but eating junk food just tastes better and I am all egg and chicken breasted out.

I definitely need to come up with a definitive set of reasonable goals and a plan to follow to get to those goals but I need a reason beyond me wanting it to reach those goals.

I have things I want to look good for.  My anniversary on October 26th.  Though Nick will be at work and school.  Then family pictures on November 26th.

I know if I just did low carb for two to three months straight, with minimal cheats, I'd totally make it.  I'd accomplish my goal, or damn near close.  But my mouth is not working with my mind.

On a plus note, aiki ninjutsu is FUN!  I've only been to two classes but I found between the first and second I was really looking forward to going back and my next class is tomorrow and I'm very excited.  I'm having a hard time learning some of the more complex moves but this is no surprise to me because it was the same way with massage therapy.  I had to do it over and over and over.  I'm not one of those ones that can see it one and get it.  I'm just not, and that's okay.

My dojo does not compete so it is a very happy and fun environment, and everyone is very friendly and willing to help you learn.  I haven't really met anyone my age there yet, but do hope I can make a few friends.

They do a getaway every year where they practice and do fun missions or rather "play ninja" as the owners wife called it.  They did a night mission and spear training and stuff you can't do inside the dojo and it sounds like everyone had fun.  Maybe in a few years when Nick is done with school and I've advanced a little bit I can go.

I am hoping through wanting to be better I am able to reach my weight goals.  We have an excellent student creed which is pretty much positive affirmation that I am repeating to myself several times a day.

Jin-Shin: I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

That is only part of the student creed, the other parts pertain to studies and instructors.  But Jin-Shin is a pretty good positive affirmation, even if you don't study aiki ninjitsu.

I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

Now, to set some goals and make a plan!

Suggestions are welcome so long as they don't cost money!  Ha ha!