Since I was in junior high I've always wondered where I belonged. I moved around from group of friends to group of friends and never really figured it out. I wanted desperately to fit in like I think most kids do, and as a result didn't make any particularly strong bonds though I will say there is one friend I can think of that was my best friend and I do wish I had kept in contact after high school with her. That one is on me.
I always felt uncomfortable in high school and a lot of those feelings still exist to this day.
When I was 242 pounds I thought that all I wanted to do was get back to my high school weight, now that I am here I am deeply reminded how unhappy I am with that and know why I was. But it also starts bringing up reflections on other things about me, like my personality.
I still have a stupid desire/need to fit in. I don't like drawing attention to myself and do not handle compliments well. It's nice to get them but they also make me feel super awkward. To make matters more difficult my hobbies and interests are not what most would consider conventional for a person of my age and as a result I feel like I can't really share them or people will think I'm weird. Not to mention it makes conversations with people you've never met uncomfortable because my general assumption is that nobody would be interested in them either. So there I am in a large group at a party or something and I never know what to say. Thank goodness for extroverts that know how to carry conversations because I am of no help at all.
So who am I? It was something I pondered last night as I couldn't sleep. I still haven't found my personal style. Clothes are just clothes and I don't love too many of the items I own. My hair and make-up (or lack thereof) are just in a state of chaos these days. Likely in part to toddlerville and in part to a horrible hack job of a haircut a year ago.
So who am I? Who do I want to be? Here comes my freak flag:
- I am completely obsessed with anime these days. It is really all I want to watch. Most of the shonen stories (written for teenage boys) are really fun and have a good amount of action and I really like the romance stories written for girls because they tend to be ridiculously cheesy. I am so interested in this that I started reading about voice actors (as I'm starting to recognize them and most anime I watch is English subtitles so I am recognizing Japanese voice actors). What I find fascinating is that anime isn't like our cartoons, which the cartoon comes first and the runoff merchandise second, but they are mostly based in manga, which are typically black and white comics. The artwork in the manga can be amazing. I never thought I'd love black and white line drawings so much. They're beautiful. There are also a good bit of anime based on interactive story games, that result in several different story endings. It can be frustrating for me because I like one path for characters but it's also kind of cool.
- I love Halloween. This isn't really unknown, but if I could have all the decorations, I would. Good thing we are on a tight budget.
- I wear jeans and t-shirts every day. You will not see me outside the house in yoga pants or workout pants unless I am actually working out. I feel sloppy and naked if I am not in jeans.
- I don't like that I only wear jeans and t-shirts. I wear this because it's easy and I am always spilling or ripping my nice clothes, never my t-shirts, but always my nice clothes. Maybe because the fabrics are more delicate or something. I don't know. I really want to look put together, with a style and fashion of my own, complete with styled hair, perfect glamorous make-up, and accessories. I have no idea how to put real outfits together which is why I revert to jeans and t-shirts.
- Another part of me really wants to buy up all my favorite fandom t-shirts and wear them proudly. Or find out how to wear them so I don't look 12?
- Right now I really, really want magenta hair with purple roots. I think crazy colored hair is GORGEOUS when dyed properly and styled nicely. Look it up on Instagram and there is a beautiful world of amazing colorists who are true artists.
- I will likely never dye my hair a crazy color again (I did purple myself in high school but it looked blue and I damaged my hair because I didn't know what I was doing). I am too worried about what others will think. I don't want people thinking I'm being foolish or childish. I know that brightly colored hair is not for everyone, but I wish people judged less because color is beautiful. In nature, in clothing, in artwork. Why not add color to ourselves? I really wish I could ignore my need to please other people.
- I hate that I am a jack of all crafting trades, master of none. I would love to be a great costumer/seamstress and I really, really, wish I was great at drawing. They may not be practical hobbies to have but I have pictures inside my head of things I want to make and I can't execute them because I have never taken the time to work on my skills. I do enjoy decorating cakes but that will likely be something I never perfect because I like frosting too much and I would taste test too often and gain a ton of weight. This is the truth.
- I love Renaissance Faires. I love to go and dress up in costume. I love watching people in costumes, admiring how they put them together to form characters, because yes, these people create their own characters and they can go down to the tiniest detail to portray them.
- I really like fantasy novels. It is my favorite genre. Not Sci-Fi. Fantasy. As a result, they are my favorite types of movies as well. Though I will tack on Pirates of the Caribbean because I once loved those movies so much I could memorize them. Probably in my head still somewhere but not now.
- I wish wish wish I had the patience and time to be one of those girls who does full on make-up with lashes. It always looks so polished and pretty. I don't care if you can tell they're wearing make-up, they look great and have the ability to completely transform their face. Which, I don't really like mine to be honest so I'd love to know how to do it.
- Because of my newfound love of anime, when looking for a class to take to get out of the house I joked about karate classes and then ended up seriously considering them and ended up in Aiki Ninjitsu classes. I love them. I feel amazing after them. I have a hard time learning some of the moves but I do plan to continue. I really hope I don't fizzle out and get upset at slow progress. I really hope the cost of classes isn't much more than the special they were just running. If it is, I'll have a hard time justifying the cost in my head, since I don't work. But I really think it would be awesome if I could accomplish a black belt someday. I've never done anything like that.
- I STILL have no idea what career I'd be happy with. I haven't fallen into anything either. I really hate waking up and going in on a schedule, it's something I have always had a very difficult time with and I actually burn out really easily. It's hard to admit that because most adults CAN handle it and I feel kind of like a failure admitting it. I want to work for myself which is why I went into massage therapy, but I quickly learned that even with good body mechanics my body and mind couldn't handle enough work to do it on my own. I enjoyed it, and liked working at the chiropractic offices but the hours sucked (either too little and didn't know when I was going to work until sometimes THAT DAY or a stupid split shift where I was gone 12 hours a day). I am not renewing my license. The cost of continuing education was too expensive to justify. I also kind of hated it at times because there were some days I just really didn't want to touch people. Part of the reason I think I like the fantasy genre and anime so much are because I think regular life is pretty boring and the characters tend to be dynamic and have interesting things going on.
- Back to the fashion side: I have a very difficult time investing in clothing. It's expensive and wears out, and again, I tend to destroy my nice clothes easily. As a result, my wardrobe really is small. My husband owns more clothes than I do. He has more shoes too. Since I don't bring in an income it also makes it difficult for me to be a typical woman and have a stylish wardrobe because after a pair of dressy shoes and tennis shoes I feel like everything else is extra and not a necessary spending cost and if it's not necessary it's not needed. If I had a bigger budget I would have a ton of shoes and items from Modcloth and half of my style crisis would be solved.
- I prayed that Lilly would be all the things I am not before she was born and before I even knew she was a girl. I am terribly afraid she will be self conscious, shy, and a strict rule follower. I want her, and her life, to be bold and bright and amazing. As a rule follower and someone who is shy I have greatly limited my potential as well as my life experiences. I rarely do anything that is not "by the book". I don't like being this way, but don't find it easy to change.
So, in short. I love anime, Halloween, Renaissance faires, fantasy stories, and I'd love to be a glamorous brightly colored, skirt wearing, artist but am stuck in t-shirt and jeans hell because "it's practical".
I sincerely hope I did not rant too much and that most of my thoughts were clear. I don't really edit posts so you get it as it comes out.
No comments:
Post a Comment