I No Longer Believe I Can Do It

I am really lost and depressed at this point in time.

I no longer believe I can lose any more weight, in fact all I see in my future is weight gain.

Nick once again proved to me the other night that he doesn't listen to me when I discuss my issues with weight loss with him when I told him I really shouldn't be eating the rice and he said "It's just portion control"

I thought I had made it blindingly clear that I have a food addiction because I actually eat food because it tastes good.  Not because I am hungry.  It's not even a "I'm hungry, and I want to eat Food A rather than Food B, because Food A tastes better"  No.  It's "I am bored and what can I eat that tastes good?"

My gut has expanded.  I weighed in at 195 today, this is one pound under obese for me.  I am terribly depressed.

I cannot seem to control my eating and in fact right now all I want is some chocolate and a subway sandwich.  Maybe some french fries.

I feel as if nobody cares if I lose weight.  I don't think anyone would care if I gained it all back.  I feel like, I'd probably just prove to people what they likely were thinking all along, that I couldn't do it.

I feel alone in this journey.

I feel pretty helpless at this point.

In fact, before I got pregnant with Lilly, I had been stuck at 203-207 for a very very long time, and I am feeling just about like I was then.  I gave up when I got pregnant.

I've pretty much given up on eating in a manner that will help me continue this journey.

I do not like low carb, nor have I ever.  I am tired of eggs and chicken.  My plan did not allow much red meat or fatty meat (like bacon) and the salt does effect me.

I attempted 21 Day Fix meal plan but also did not lose weight.  I ended up eating a few extra cups of things because the booklet said I could and I always chose the things like the frozen waffles.

Peanut butter has become a trigger and I in fact melted butter, peanut butter, and dark chocolate chips in a bowl the other day and ate it.

Then I threw out the peanut butter and chocolate chips.

I need someone to hold my hand through this journey and I hate it but I know I need it because I am not enough for myself and if nobody is monitoring me it doesn't work.  But it has to be someone that I feel would be disappointed in me or that I would be embarrassed to have gained or maintained at my weigh in.

I attempted a while ago to have Nick weigh me every week but it was me who had to remind him and on the weeks where I didn't take care of it, well, I didn't remind him and I just dropped it.  In fact, I don't think he cares if I gain weight to be honest.  I almost feel like he would rather I not loose any more weight.

But I am overweight.  I lost 60 pounds and I am still overweight and in fact, I am AT THE TOP of the Overweight scale.

I want to be comfortable in my body.  I have never felt happy with how I look.  I have never been comfortable in clothing in front of others, I feel my stomach roll protrude over my waist band and I try to sit with my arms around it.  I despise pictures because I still have a double chin, large arms with hanging bat wings, and my legs are pretty chunky still.  Pictures make it look worse and remind me exactly what I know: I HATE HOW I LOOK.

I will always hate how I look.  This is how I feel.  I feel like I will never be a normal sized human being.  That I will never be able to look in the mirror and enjoy my appearance.  That I will never put on a piece of clothing and be happy with how it fits.

That life, for me, right now, it seems like it will never happen.  That it is not for me.

It may be a pitty party for one, but that is my mental state, and that is what I want to share because it is the truth.

Definition of Insanity

There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

So, here I am, at a year of trying to get back on track with low carb and going from 177 to 190 over and over and over.  So, why am I still trying to do low carb?

Good question.

I am so over it.

I also am over calorie counting and Weight Watchers (can we talk about how their business plan relies on people gaining the weight back?)

Anyway, with my increased love and interest in anime and similar things, and Nick's love of sushi and desire to eat a good bowl of ramen, I've decided to try something totally different.

Actually eating good food and not counting calories or points or carbs or whatever.

Now, I've somewhat planned out meals, and will still be doing a lower carb, but I am tired of not cooking or having meals with my family.  When I do low carb I don't cook leaving Nick and Lilly out in the cold more or less.  Or I do really basic stuff.

Today, I bought some cool stuff:

A ricer cooker, a ramen and udon cookbook, a sushi mat, and Lilly got some training chopsticks that match her trademark pig tails!  Seriously, how cute are those?

My plan moving forward, now that I am finally getting better after being sick, is to eat eggs or similar for breakfast, have a low carb turkey wrap for lunch, and various chicken dinners with rice or veggies.  Snacks will be fruit or carrots with some ranch.  I'm going to get rid of my diet soda habit.

Did I ever mention I have a really bad diet soda habit?  It's bad.  I know it's not good for me, and it's bad.

I want to eat cleaner without being 100% clean, eat more regular type meals, eat with my family, provide Lilly with better examples of a healthy relationship with food.

On top of that, I plan on practicing my ninjutsu for 30 minutes every day.  This will include bokken, and studying from my guidebook.  I also will exercise, sticking with my chart I made just before I got sick.  Maybe changing it up a bit.

I will not weigh myself obsessively but focus on the fit of my clothes.  I won't try and throw the scale out but I will try and not use it all the time and work on not focusing on the number near as much as I do.

I want to improve my planks (which I have gotten up to 50 seconds!  WOW!) and work on balance, push ups, and endurance.

I can't make promises to myself or this blog.  I almost never make my goals.  They also make me obsessed, I want to live a normal healthy life without worrying about food and exercise.  I want it to be a normal, every day thing.  Something I don't have to think about, but habit.

I have a very bad relationship with food, that has only gotten worse this past year due.  I want to change that.

I am going to do my best and see what happens.

Never Wish For Someone Else's Demons

As a stay at home mom I spend a lot of time on social media commenting on articles and photos.  It helps keep me anchored to the adult world since I spend the majority of my time with a two year old watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

We all know however that sometimes social media has its own issues.  People get behind the keyboard and they type before they think or they purposely choose to upset people.

I came across a photo on Instagram that was a side by side of the same woman.  On the left side she looked like she had been in a concentration camp.  On the right side she was recovering.  The post was about her "demons" telling her not to eat, etc.  About how she landed in the hospital several times over the course of several years and then about her road to recovery.

On the post, I came across someone who said "Ooh how I'd like to sumon this demon for just 60 days of my life #foodie".

I called them out on it.  I told them it was one of the most insensitive things they could say to someone with an eating disorder.  I believe that to be true.

Now, this person then responded that it was not the most insensitive thing and at least they didn't call her ugly or fat and after that someone else chimed in that they wished they could summon the demon as well for just a month.

So I responded.  "You are talking about an eating disorder that KILLS people.  That hospitalized her several times and nearly killed her.  To wish that you had that yes, that is insensitive."

Of course now the second person that chimed in had to say something:  "Somewhere in her life she developed a bad habit of starving prolly to stay thin self image and I'm a lil heavy so yeah for 30 days borrow that damn demon...Eating too much is also a eating disorder...and not minding your own business and having a comment for everything is all a disorder called can't mind my own f***ing buisness."

Clearly, this person was angry.  I feel like it's obvious I struck a nerve.  So I chose to respond again.

"Listen, I've had my own food issues, still do, and I was 260 pounds.  My grandmother worked with an anorexic woman.  It IS insensitive to wish you had an eating disorder for 30, 60, or any sort of time period ESPECIALLY on a post about a woman's recovery from one.  It isn't about "minding my own business" it's about stopping people from saying things that could be damaging to others.  Stop and look at that woman on the left.  LOOK at her.  That woman is dying.  The woman on the right is still underweight (words from her own instagram).  Her insecurities and likely body dysmorphia nearly KILLED her.  Nobody should wish for something that nearly kills someone else and I am sorry you are so angry for me pointing out that it's insensitive and potentially damaging for others."

You see, that second person, she didn't stop to see if I maybe had ever had anorexia at one point (I did not but that is not the point) or even if maybe I had a food addiction (I do, albeit not diagnosed).  She just got mad I called her insensitive and responded.

If a thin person who had troubles gaining weight walked up to me and said "Man, I wish I had a food addiction so I could gain weight" you can bet I'd be pretty damn upset.  I may not show it, but I would be.  Food addiction is not an easy thing to live with.  You have to eat no matter what.  You can't just detox from food.  It is a daily struggle to make healthy choices and the behavior can lead to disease and death from complications from obesity.  I imagine the same thing applies to anorexia or bulimia.  It is obviously not an easy thing to deal with when you are close to death and staring at yourself in the mirror and you still think you look awful when you really look like skin and bones and all your organs are slowly shutting down.

Never wish for someone else's demons, you don't know how difficult they are to handle.

Case in point: There was a time when I was so broke I couldn't afford to eat.  I would go to work, drink the free hot chocolate, and was lucky enough to have a good friend who took me out to dinner about once a week and who brought me meals or invited me over to dinner almost nightly.  I never even told them how broke I was, or that I was starving.  In fact, I never even told ANYONE.  I was too embarrassed that I didn't have control over my finances.  As a result I lost a good amount of weight without even trying.

But not being able to eat to get there.  No, you don't want that.  You don't want to deal with that.  Of having to figure out how to make $30 last for two weeks for ALL essentials, including toilet paper, etc.  Of trying to keep so busy that you don't think about food or how hungry you are.  No, you don't want to deal with that for anything.

Likewise you don't want anorexia for a 30 or 60 days.  You don't know the difficulties that person faces.  You don't know how damaging or dangerous that is.  You certainly don't wish for it on a piece about a woman's recovery from it.

We need to think before we speak.  Think before we type.  What are we saying?  What are we putting out there?  Who might it hurt?  Do we wish to hurt someone?

I don't know why person #2 was angry that I called them insensitive.  Or why she assumed I didn't understand about over-eating.  Maybe it was because my instagram account is mommysahrifit.  I honestly don't know.  In an ideal world she would have said "You know, I didn't think about it like that, I have problems with over-eating and it can just be so hard"  and I would have said "I understand, I do too." and we would have become friends.

But it's not an ideal world and even if that person comments back I would be surprised to get a nice response.  I admit, the whole situation upset me.  But I've written about it, and am going to try and move past it.

I just ask that you be thoughtful with what you say and be careful for what you wish for, it might come true.