Hello and Goodbye

We have a treadmill on our way today!  Thanks goes to my in-laws and my husband.  He decided instead of saving the Christmas money they give us every year to invest in the treadmill.  I used to have a used elliptical but too many moves broke it beyond repair and it's been a really nice coat hanger for well over a year now.

So Hello for the treadmill!  Easy cardio here I come! I love my DVD's but sometimes I don't want to do a ton of different exercises.

I have ninjutsu later tonight but since this is my last month I'm not as excited as normal.  They gave me December and January free but we honestly cannot afford the monthly cost and with Nick's school schedule I can't go as often as I need to learn at a decent pace because I need lots of repetition and practice.  It's very difficult to practice ninjutsu by yourself.  Add on once I ever make it to yellow belt the cost goes up and I'd need to attend more classes, it just doesn't work right now.  It makes me sad, I enjoyed it, it was empowering, but I can't be dedicated to it like I need to be and the cost is high when you can only go two times a week.

I plan on finding another class, be it cake decorating or art or some other kind of something.  I need to make sure I'm getting out of the house by myself.  Lilly doesn't do well in stores still (I miss my baby that sat in the cart happily the whole time) and so if we do go anywhere it's more stressful and rather quick than anything.

So Goodbye ninjutsu.

Low carb is working.  I'm not sticking to it every day, but I was at 189.2 on Sunday.  Because of my planner I am counting the week Sunday thru Saturday and at the end of the week I'm counting carb days, non-carb days, and pounds lost.  I hope to improve every week.  Last week I had three carb days so this week I am shooting for four.  A few of those days I was just over my 50 carbs so that may have contributed to my success despite only three days of truly on plan.

Support is nice, until it's hurtful

I bought McDonald's last night.  I bought for myself and Lilly, while Nick was at class.  It was a rough day.  Lilly was into all sorts of things, we were stuck inside the house, I was looking up stuff for us to do, I told her "no" and she hit me.

She's hit before.  It's not often and it's only when she's super upset.  We're working on it.

Anyway, this led to me sitting on the kitchen floor crying out of frustration and my dearest Lilly coming up to me, rubbing my head and asking "Are you okay?"

Which led to me telling her she could have whatever she wanted for dinner and she asked for french fries.

I bought for both of us.

Of course Nick saw this and texted me "I'm disappointed that you got it for yourself when we are supposed to be working towards meeting your goal"

We.  We?  "We're" working towards me losing weight.  I guess.

Well, I decided I was disappointed in myself enough that he didn't need to be disappointed in me and from this point on he'll have no part in my weight loss journey.  He won't keep my scale for me (I found it and took it back), he won't ask about my day or my food, he won't know how it is or isn't going.  Life will be like I am not even attempting to lose weight.  If he asks if I want fast food or to go to a restaurant or whatever it will be up to me and only me to say no.  I will not tell him not to ask me those things because I always say yes.  Because that's an unfair burden on him.

I can't do it.  I wanted him for support but I can't have someone like my husband being disappointed in me for one bad day when I AM trying.  Maybe he doesn't get that it's easy for me to slip up or to fall back to food for emotional support.  I know he doesn't.  I know he's very logical.  That words he thinks are encouraging and would be encouraging for him are in fact words that hurt me and hinder me and honestly made me want to eat the whole house and then some.  "I'm disappointed".  I wanted to eat whatever we had.  But we didn't have much and so I didn't.

So he will not be my support in any form.  Because support is not "We are working hard"  Support is "I'm trying hard to help you reach your goal".  Not "We are working hard"  Because the one doing most of the work and worry and dealing with food, well, that's ME.  And his words pissed me off because it is hardest on ME.  And he hasn't been doing a whole lot to help me meet my goal anyway, so it really IS me.

ANYWAY....other than that, we have a treadmill on the way and I've been adding things to my Amazon wishlist out of boredom.  I painted my nails, I've drawn a little, put the Christmas decor in the garage and organized the bedroom again.  I put boxes of clothes in my trunk to donate and cleared out some trash.  There are dishes to be done but not many.  I'll survive.  I will do this.  I will be successful.

And my husband will not have to stress out about it because it will be as if it isn't even happening.

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017!

2016.

The year everyone hated.

I tell you what, almost all of the weight loss accounts I follow on Instagram either didn't lose in 2016 or they gained back part or all, of their loss  It appears that that is part of the process for a good majority of people.

The important thing I take away from it is that I could have gained weight back but I didn't.  I kept pushing, I kept trying, through all the tough spots and back and forth between 179 and 190, I stayed pretty steady.  I maintained.  I kept fighting.

2017.  A year for a new story to be written, or finished.  I'll consider 2016 my writer's block.

Today marks Day 3 of honest effort to remain on track with carbs.  I had been "back on low carb" enough in 2016 but was not doing my best.  I was sneaking Lilly's snacks, I was having too many cheat days (which are okay!  Just not...three or four times plus a week.), I wasn't actively counting all carbs.

The past two days have been difficult.  I am trying to follow the same plan I followed when I first started and lost the bulk of my weight.  I wake up, I take my medicine, I make three scrambled eggs with a sprinkle of cheese, I eat said eggs.  I like eggs but three eggs every day is hard.  That's a lot of eggs.  But it's 21 grams of protein which keeps me full.

I am writing down in my food journal everything I eat, and I am making sure to actually measure it all.  That includes the two tablespoons of salad dressing and one tablespoon of bacos.

But, I am doing it.  Two days and I have remained on track.

Nick went back to work today which means I am back on a schedule, which is great for maintaining my plan.  I'll workout when Lilly naps at one.  Not fond of working out in the middle of the day but it's what I have to do.  Otherwise she tries to relive her birth while I do frog crunches by climbing on me and crawling through my legs.  Over and over and over.

I'm using the 21 Day Fix workouts.  I like them, I haven't overdone them like some of my Jillian DVD's, and there is a variety so I'm not doing the same thing every day.

Nick and I are looking into getting a treadmill and I'm excited about that.  I like an easy cardio option and since the elliptical broke ages ago, I haven't had that really.  I don't care if I pop on for a 10 minute mile once a day or whatever, being a stay at home mom has me sitting a lot and I need my legs to get moving.  Running this past summer was nice when it wasn't so hot, and my legs did slim down.  My body may be the same weight but I have gained some of my fat back for sure since I haven't regularly worked out since July.

So, I am surviving, trying to get into the swing of things.  Once I get going I'm good, but it's the getting going that is tough.  I gave Nick my scale and he's hidden it.  I won't get it back until after my doctor's appointment on the 19th.  The problem with the scale is when I'm doing bad it depresses me and I want to eat and when I'm doing good I think one cheat won't hurt.  So it's a back and forth dance that gets nowhere.

So, that is where I am at.  Sorry for not updating much.  I've just spent my free time doing other things for awhile.