I No Longer Believe I Can Do It

I am really lost and depressed at this point in time.

I no longer believe I can lose any more weight, in fact all I see in my future is weight gain.

Nick once again proved to me the other night that he doesn't listen to me when I discuss my issues with weight loss with him when I told him I really shouldn't be eating the rice and he said "It's just portion control"

I thought I had made it blindingly clear that I have a food addiction because I actually eat food because it tastes good.  Not because I am hungry.  It's not even a "I'm hungry, and I want to eat Food A rather than Food B, because Food A tastes better"  No.  It's "I am bored and what can I eat that tastes good?"

My gut has expanded.  I weighed in at 195 today, this is one pound under obese for me.  I am terribly depressed.

I cannot seem to control my eating and in fact right now all I want is some chocolate and a subway sandwich.  Maybe some french fries.

I feel as if nobody cares if I lose weight.  I don't think anyone would care if I gained it all back.  I feel like, I'd probably just prove to people what they likely were thinking all along, that I couldn't do it.

I feel alone in this journey.

I feel pretty helpless at this point.

In fact, before I got pregnant with Lilly, I had been stuck at 203-207 for a very very long time, and I am feeling just about like I was then.  I gave up when I got pregnant.

I've pretty much given up on eating in a manner that will help me continue this journey.

I do not like low carb, nor have I ever.  I am tired of eggs and chicken.  My plan did not allow much red meat or fatty meat (like bacon) and the salt does effect me.

I attempted 21 Day Fix meal plan but also did not lose weight.  I ended up eating a few extra cups of things because the booklet said I could and I always chose the things like the frozen waffles.

Peanut butter has become a trigger and I in fact melted butter, peanut butter, and dark chocolate chips in a bowl the other day and ate it.

Then I threw out the peanut butter and chocolate chips.

I need someone to hold my hand through this journey and I hate it but I know I need it because I am not enough for myself and if nobody is monitoring me it doesn't work.  But it has to be someone that I feel would be disappointed in me or that I would be embarrassed to have gained or maintained at my weigh in.

I attempted a while ago to have Nick weigh me every week but it was me who had to remind him and on the weeks where I didn't take care of it, well, I didn't remind him and I just dropped it.  In fact, I don't think he cares if I gain weight to be honest.  I almost feel like he would rather I not loose any more weight.

But I am overweight.  I lost 60 pounds and I am still overweight and in fact, I am AT THE TOP of the Overweight scale.

I want to be comfortable in my body.  I have never felt happy with how I look.  I have never been comfortable in clothing in front of others, I feel my stomach roll protrude over my waist band and I try to sit with my arms around it.  I despise pictures because I still have a double chin, large arms with hanging bat wings, and my legs are pretty chunky still.  Pictures make it look worse and remind me exactly what I know: I HATE HOW I LOOK.

I will always hate how I look.  This is how I feel.  I feel like I will never be a normal sized human being.  That I will never be able to look in the mirror and enjoy my appearance.  That I will never put on a piece of clothing and be happy with how it fits.

That life, for me, right now, it seems like it will never happen.  That it is not for me.

It may be a pitty party for one, but that is my mental state, and that is what I want to share because it is the truth.

Definition of Insanity

There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

So, here I am, at a year of trying to get back on track with low carb and going from 177 to 190 over and over and over.  So, why am I still trying to do low carb?

Good question.

I am so over it.

I also am over calorie counting and Weight Watchers (can we talk about how their business plan relies on people gaining the weight back?)

Anyway, with my increased love and interest in anime and similar things, and Nick's love of sushi and desire to eat a good bowl of ramen, I've decided to try something totally different.

Actually eating good food and not counting calories or points or carbs or whatever.

Now, I've somewhat planned out meals, and will still be doing a lower carb, but I am tired of not cooking or having meals with my family.  When I do low carb I don't cook leaving Nick and Lilly out in the cold more or less.  Or I do really basic stuff.

Today, I bought some cool stuff:

A ricer cooker, a ramen and udon cookbook, a sushi mat, and Lilly got some training chopsticks that match her trademark pig tails!  Seriously, how cute are those?

My plan moving forward, now that I am finally getting better after being sick, is to eat eggs or similar for breakfast, have a low carb turkey wrap for lunch, and various chicken dinners with rice or veggies.  Snacks will be fruit or carrots with some ranch.  I'm going to get rid of my diet soda habit.

Did I ever mention I have a really bad diet soda habit?  It's bad.  I know it's not good for me, and it's bad.

I want to eat cleaner without being 100% clean, eat more regular type meals, eat with my family, provide Lilly with better examples of a healthy relationship with food.

On top of that, I plan on practicing my ninjutsu for 30 minutes every day.  This will include bokken, and studying from my guidebook.  I also will exercise, sticking with my chart I made just before I got sick.  Maybe changing it up a bit.

I will not weigh myself obsessively but focus on the fit of my clothes.  I won't try and throw the scale out but I will try and not use it all the time and work on not focusing on the number near as much as I do.

I want to improve my planks (which I have gotten up to 50 seconds!  WOW!) and work on balance, push ups, and endurance.

I can't make promises to myself or this blog.  I almost never make my goals.  They also make me obsessed, I want to live a normal healthy life without worrying about food and exercise.  I want it to be a normal, every day thing.  Something I don't have to think about, but habit.

I have a very bad relationship with food, that has only gotten worse this past year due.  I want to change that.

I am going to do my best and see what happens.

Day: Doesn't Really Matter

I have been sick for two weeks now.  I have missed four ninjutsu classes.  I am back at square one as far as weight goes.

I am frustrated as hell.

I don't understand why I can't seem to stick to low carb long enough to finish this up.  A week is about all I seem to have in me.  This entire past year has been a waste and a struggle of me trying and not trying.

Nobody cares if I lose weight or not and I am beginning to think I don't either.  I look in the mirror and I hate every ounce I see.  I am dreading family pictures in November.  I have to buy a new dress and I hate the idea of going shopping for one.  I know I won't find anything I think I look good in.  My legs are super chunky and I just want to hide them away.  I physically can't wear heels but my legs are also pale and covered in varicose and spider veins so I don't want to bare leg it but if I wear tights they bunch at the ankle when I wear flats and they wouldn't be nude tights because I'm so pale they don't make nude tights my skin color.  I have no idea how to dress myself and hating my body is not helping remedy that situation.

I have beautiful skirt in my closet I wanted to wear last year and couldn't quite fit into it and I'm in the same situation this year.

Being sick is forcing me on the couch again and I am tired and coughing and grumpy and I look like hell.

And all I do on this blog is complain.

I can't find the motivation.  I am sorry.  Me not being able to find it makes it hard to motivate anyone else.  If being a beachbody coach hadn't been so costly maybe I should have stuck with it, because at least then I put on a fake face and exercised every day.

The truth is, all I want is a normal body.  I normal one.  Not an overweight one.  I want to know what it's like to have a normal sized healthy body.  I don't want this huge gut and chunky thighs.  I've had them since junior high and I have hated them since junior high and I want them gone.  I am uncomfortable in my body.  I feel big and awkward.

The truth is: I don't have anyone monitoring my weight but me and I can choose to not report it here so it doesn't matter.  I'm not paying a doctor to monitor it so I won't be embarrassed if I don't lose like before.

I am tired and worn down from lack of sleep and trying to exercise and diet.  I don't want to do low calorie because I know it also lowers your metabolism.  I also know it is hard for me to stick with.  So is Weight Watchers (AND HELLO COSTLY).

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  Nick got me french fries the other day.  I broke the no eating out and I didn't even think about it.  He said he was going to get a gyro and I texted him and told him he should get lots of fries as a joke and he was like "Are you joking or serious" and in a split second I was serious.  He called me and said he would get them for me but that I couldn't get mad at him.

BUT I AM MAD A HIM!  He's supposed to help me.  He's supposed to tell me it won't help me reach my goals.  That I'm stronger than my want for french fries.  Because I can't seem to tell myself that.

The truth is: I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I don't know if I should ditch low carb, stay with low carb, try something else, etc.  I know focusing on exercise won't help because you can't out exercise a bad food plan.

Goal setting doesn't seem to help.

I'm so tired of it all.  How can I go from 252 at my highest weight to 190 now and HATE my body still?  I still feel big and awkward and clunky and gross.  And it doesn't matter if you or anyone else thinks I look good, if I FEEL LIKE CRAP, I feel like crap.  I'm overweight, borderline obese (196 is obese at my height), and not happy but not miserable enough to think about what I am really doing to my body.

And honestly, I just want to bake some damn Halloween cookies.

Being Sick Sucks - Day I lost count since my notebook had milk spilled on it...

I've been sick for a week now.  I've missed two ninjutsu classes, I didn't get to start my workout schedule.  I'm miserable.  Sinus infection.  So hacking, coughing up nasty gunk, pressure in my face.  Nothing fun.

On the plus side, I've been doing fairly well with my food plan.  Did I mention I couldn't keep my scale put up?  Well, good news is I am back down to 183.8.   Really good progress I feel.  I can't imagine what it would look like if I had been able to workout the past week like I had intended.

I am really, really hoping I don't miss another ninjutsu class and I am considering going to the minute clinic today but I have my daughter, as always, and that sounds kind of dreadful with a two year old and a stuffy head.

As it is, I have to go to the store to get her night pull-ups.  Potty training is a B you guys.  Or Lilly is just stubborn.  Or both.  Well, she's definitely stubborn.  Totally her own person.

Anyway, that's my update.  I am hoping to get well and get to exercising again but we will see what happens.  When I get sick it just lingers and it knocks me out bad.  Doesn't help Lilly is sick too, though less so than I, and has not been sleeping well at all.  Sleep is so essential.

Day ????

Ugh.  I've been sick the past few days.  Damn sinus infection.  To the point where I even missed ninjutsu class.

Anyway, remember that notebook that I carefully wrote out each and every damn day until November 23rd?  Well, I spilled a WHOLE sippy cup of milk on it at 3 am in the morning last night and it was 100% not salvageable.  So depressing.

On the upside, while sick I have been drawing more, and seeing good progress,   On top of that, drawing keeps me busy I don't think about food.  As long as Lilly allows me to draw I do not think about food.  This is such a big thing for me, to find something that keeps me busy enough that I am not constantly thinking about food is amazing.

Anyway, not much else going on.  I'm doing well, keeping focused, and practicing my planks so I can someday do a pushup so I can someday be strong.