Never Wish For Someone Else's Demons

As a stay at home mom I spend a lot of time on social media commenting on articles and photos.  It helps keep me anchored to the adult world since I spend the majority of my time with a two year old watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

We all know however that sometimes social media has its own issues.  People get behind the keyboard and they type before they think or they purposely choose to upset people.

I came across a photo on Instagram that was a side by side of the same woman.  On the left side she looked like she had been in a concentration camp.  On the right side she was recovering.  The post was about her "demons" telling her not to eat, etc.  About how she landed in the hospital several times over the course of several years and then about her road to recovery.

On the post, I came across someone who said "Ooh how I'd like to sumon this demon for just 60 days of my life #foodie".

I called them out on it.  I told them it was one of the most insensitive things they could say to someone with an eating disorder.  I believe that to be true.

Now, this person then responded that it was not the most insensitive thing and at least they didn't call her ugly or fat and after that someone else chimed in that they wished they could summon the demon as well for just a month.

So I responded.  "You are talking about an eating disorder that KILLS people.  That hospitalized her several times and nearly killed her.  To wish that you had that yes, that is insensitive."

Of course now the second person that chimed in had to say something:  "Somewhere in her life she developed a bad habit of starving prolly to stay thin self image and I'm a lil heavy so yeah for 30 days borrow that damn demon...Eating too much is also a eating disorder...and not minding your own business and having a comment for everything is all a disorder called can't mind my own f***ing buisness."

Clearly, this person was angry.  I feel like it's obvious I struck a nerve.  So I chose to respond again.

"Listen, I've had my own food issues, still do, and I was 260 pounds.  My grandmother worked with an anorexic woman.  It IS insensitive to wish you had an eating disorder for 30, 60, or any sort of time period ESPECIALLY on a post about a woman's recovery from one.  It isn't about "minding my own business" it's about stopping people from saying things that could be damaging to others.  Stop and look at that woman on the left.  LOOK at her.  That woman is dying.  The woman on the right is still underweight (words from her own instagram).  Her insecurities and likely body dysmorphia nearly KILLED her.  Nobody should wish for something that nearly kills someone else and I am sorry you are so angry for me pointing out that it's insensitive and potentially damaging for others."

You see, that second person, she didn't stop to see if I maybe had ever had anorexia at one point (I did not but that is not the point) or even if maybe I had a food addiction (I do, albeit not diagnosed).  She just got mad I called her insensitive and responded.

If a thin person who had troubles gaining weight walked up to me and said "Man, I wish I had a food addiction so I could gain weight" you can bet I'd be pretty damn upset.  I may not show it, but I would be.  Food addiction is not an easy thing to live with.  You have to eat no matter what.  You can't just detox from food.  It is a daily struggle to make healthy choices and the behavior can lead to disease and death from complications from obesity.  I imagine the same thing applies to anorexia or bulimia.  It is obviously not an easy thing to deal with when you are close to death and staring at yourself in the mirror and you still think you look awful when you really look like skin and bones and all your organs are slowly shutting down.

Never wish for someone else's demons, you don't know how difficult they are to handle.

Case in point: There was a time when I was so broke I couldn't afford to eat.  I would go to work, drink the free hot chocolate, and was lucky enough to have a good friend who took me out to dinner about once a week and who brought me meals or invited me over to dinner almost nightly.  I never even told them how broke I was, or that I was starving.  In fact, I never even told ANYONE.  I was too embarrassed that I didn't have control over my finances.  As a result I lost a good amount of weight without even trying.

But not being able to eat to get there.  No, you don't want that.  You don't want to deal with that.  Of having to figure out how to make $30 last for two weeks for ALL essentials, including toilet paper, etc.  Of trying to keep so busy that you don't think about food or how hungry you are.  No, you don't want to deal with that for anything.

Likewise you don't want anorexia for a 30 or 60 days.  You don't know the difficulties that person faces.  You don't know how damaging or dangerous that is.  You certainly don't wish for it on a piece about a woman's recovery from it.

We need to think before we speak.  Think before we type.  What are we saying?  What are we putting out there?  Who might it hurt?  Do we wish to hurt someone?

I don't know why person #2 was angry that I called them insensitive.  Or why she assumed I didn't understand about over-eating.  Maybe it was because my instagram account is mommysahrifit.  I honestly don't know.  In an ideal world she would have said "You know, I didn't think about it like that, I have problems with over-eating and it can just be so hard"  and I would have said "I understand, I do too." and we would have become friends.

But it's not an ideal world and even if that person comments back I would be surprised to get a nice response.  I admit, the whole situation upset me.  But I've written about it, and am going to try and move past it.

I just ask that you be thoughtful with what you say and be careful for what you wish for, it might come true.

Sunday Weigh-In Week One

So, last night was my Sunday weigh-in with my husband weighing me.  As you may recall, I was struggling with my accountability and decided to have him weigh me may make it embarrassing enough should I not lose weight.  Seems to be working.

Since I came up with this idea late on a Sunday night my weigh in is Sunday night before we go to bed, while wearing my pajamas (same ones every time).  We all know we gain some weight during the day but as long as you weigh-in at the same time with the same conditions it's pretty accurate.

I also weigh Thursday mornings for my Instagram account (@mommysahrifit).

Anyway...

Start: 195.8

Week One: 190.6     -5.2 pounds

We have a victory!!!

I'm going to consider it mostly water weight but the good news is even so, I gave myself until our anniversary on October 26th to get to my goal, which means I only have to lose an average of two pounds per week.  Most of the time I'll have a good week followed by a mediocre one so we will see what next week brings.

Run Shannah, Run!

The past month or so I've been feeling blah and stressed.  Lilly still doesn't sleep through the night and with two plus years of that going on, with me being the primary one getting up so my husband can function at work and school, it's taking it's toll.  Add on her newfound temperamental attitude and at the end of the day I'm just mentally tapped out.

Now, since last June I have been actively exercising on a regular basis but I have mostly only done Beachbody workouts from home.  Lilly and I walk anywhere from 1-3 miles when it's nice out and she wants to stay in the stroller (which isn't much anymore but last summer was wonderful) but it is no longer a daily thing like last year.

Last night, after the kids were put in bed, I decided I wanted to run.  I've never been a runner.  I have ankle and knee issues and the last time I ran outside was during high school gym class when we were forced to run the mile and I remember those four laps around the football field feeling like torture.  I know I walked most of the time.

I had two goals in mind: Run the whole time and keep a steady pace.  I accomplished that.

It was strangely nice to get outside, to see the path pass before me as the sun was starting to sink lower into the sky.  I was able to get most everything out of my mind and simply focus on the task of running and breathing (which I need to work on).

11:05.

Not the best time in the whole world but my standard cardio is totally different than running so I'll take it as a pretty great starting point.  Sixteen months ago I couldn't walk a mile without a good amount of pain and feeling out of breath.  It's amazing how much one can change over a small amount of time and while I may not be where I want to be this was a really good opportunity to realize how far I have come.

Sometimes after losing so much weight and working at it for what seems like forever, when you're not where you want to be you lose sight of where you once were.  Of how far you've come.  Truth be told sometimes I look in the mirror and still see my 246 pound self.  I have to compare photos side by side to see the change.  To realize that at one time I was much larger.

I am looking forward to trying to improve my run time, and losing these last 30 pounds.  Where I'll go from there I'm not certain.  I've never been under 174 that I can remember.  174 was my high school sophomore year weight.  So, it's been a tremendously long time.  I know when I graduated high school I was likely in the 190's or at 200.  I have no idea what I will look like when I'm done.  None.  It's a little scary.  But I know I will be faster and stronger and healthier than I have ever been before.

When Holding Yourself Accountable Isn't Enough

They say to lose weight you can't do it for someone else, you have to do it for yourself.

To an extent I believe this.  On the other hand...I've never been enough for myself.

My initial journey started because I have a daughter.  She will not struggle with body imagine her whole life like I have and I need to start that young and it starts with being healthy.

My early found success was because I frequently saw my doctor and I knew he would know I wasn't following his plan if I wasn't losing weight.  If you follow the plan, you will lose weight.  If you follow the plan.

So I followed it because I wasn't about to pay him and walk in there not having lost any weight.  It would be embarrassing.

However as time progressed and I saw him less and less because I was doing so well I started to slip more and more.

Which has led me to my current state.  It's all food.  It's 100% all food.  That is where my issue lies.

I am 100% disappointed in myself for being the same since October.  It's unacceptable.  I workout, I'm a Beachbody coach, I really should be staying on track.  But I'm not, because there is nobody there to keep track of me.

So, in an effort to get at it I have pushed my goal back to October 26th (my anniversary) and I am having my husband weigh me every single Sunday night.  He'll know if I've been true to my word or not and all I have to do to reach my goal is two pounds per week.

I know I can do this.  I know it.  I've done it before and I seriously have so little left to lose comparatively.

What are your GOALS and what are you doing to make certain you reach them?

Don't Let FEAR and PRIDE Get In Your Way

I was miserable here.  My heaviest weight, and you can see it in just my eyes.  I take up almost the entire door.

Yeserday, a new survey/study showed that the obesity rate of women rose to 40%.  Forty flippin' percent.  That is HIGH.  Even though BMI is not the be all end all, that is still a high number.

There are many different reasons we are obese at this high of a rate.  I think most of it has to do with food and office jobs.  Our lifestyles have us on the go, eating crazy processed packaged foods, with little time to actually pay attention to ourselves.

Even if you don't have high blood pressure, cholesterol, or blood glucose levels right now if you're overweight or obese, eventually that crap catches up with you.  At 246 pounds my blood work came back in the normal range with the exception of my Vitamin D levels.  No duh there, I'm never in the sun I turn into lobster woman.

The truth is, even with nothing back on the blood work my weight was still effecting me.  I couldn't even walk a mile without getting winded.  I had heartburn every night.  My ankle would swell if I did too much walking, and I just felt generally uncomfortable around other people because of my size.

Our bodies are not made to carry that much extra weight.  It causes a lot of stress on our spines and joints.

Admitting that we have a problem with our weight can be extremely difficult.  It can be embarrassing.  It can be difficult to admit that we don't have the information we need to change it.  Embarrassing to say "I really don't know where to start".  With all the gimmicks and plans out there it can make you feel like you're swimming in an endless sea and lord knows which one will work for you.  Embarrassing to ask for help.

It can be a serious hit to our PRIDE to step up and say we need help with something like our food or fitness.  Others in your life may make it look so simple to do but for you it might be one of the most difficult things.  I know for me it's not just deciding that I'm going to do it.  I have to work at it every single day.

Then there is the fear:

What if I fail again?

What if I still don't like how I look?

What if it doesn't help my high blood pressure, back pain, etc.?

What if?

Those "what if's" are terrifying.


But let me start:  My name is Shannah, I am almost 31.  I have a problem with food.  I eat when I am stressed and when I am bored and I eat when we have something yummy in the house just because I know it tastes good.  Sometimes I want a sweet so bad I will go out of my way to bake.  When I start eating things like that, I find it difficult to stop.  In that moment and even later on I may continue to make poor food choices for a day, a week, or even a month.

I tried and failed Weight Watchers at least four times.  I tried and failed calorie counting probably just as many.

On my honeymoon I was 220 pounds and I could barely fit into the plane seat or buckle the belt.  It latched but barely.  I may have been three months pregnant but the truth is that it was just baby weight and 20 of those pounds I had gained in the three months before because I had been trying to lose weight prior to pregnancy but used pregnancy as an excuse to eat what I wanted.  My thigh rubbed against the person next to me on the plane and it was embarrassing.  

By the time I went into labor I was 260 pounds.

It would be a year later that I finally could admit to someone I didn't know, that I needed help and I sought out my doctor.  I didn't believe I could do it because I never had before.

Asking for help was hard.  I didn't believe in myself.  But I tried.  I was willing to give it one last shot.  I was embarrassed to admit I needed help.  I was a grown woman for crying out loud how could I not control my eating?  But I did it, because frankly I was tired of heartburn every night and being so physically uncomfortable.

I am here for you.  I understand how difficult it can be.  It is scary and it is hard.  Changing our lives, changing our eating habits, our exercise habits, it's hard.  We have to fit it in with work and family.  Sometimes we are lucky enough to have family members on board and sometimes they just don't want to do it too.

The cost can be worrisome.  Will my grocery bill be higher?  Do I have that money to spend?  I ask you, how much is your deductible and co-pays for that surgery you may need down the line?  How much is a visit to the chiropractor?  Heartburn meds?  Blood pressure meds?  Insulin?

The time can be difficult to figure out.  Kids. Family. Work.  But you CAN fit it in.  30 minutes a day.  That's all you need, and not even every day of the week!  Healthy meals take no longer than any other meal to cook and there are many affordable options out there.

It is scary.  It an be embarrassing.  It is difficult.

It can be done.  Don't wait for a better time.  There is NEVER a better time.

However, I am here to help.

Slacking Off is Never Worth It

Yesterday I took a me day.  I've been in a bit of a funk so I went and bought hair dye, dyed my hair, painted my toes, and tried out an eye make-up tutorial because at nearly 31 I still don't know how to apply make-up but I like how it looks.

Except it wasn't a 100% me day because I failed to workout and I failed to do my plank challenge.  I also made these rather delicious wonton wrapper apple pie things and ate them with vanilla carbsmart.  The ice cream was compliant of my current plan.  The delicious wonton apple pies were not.  No biggie if I had been sticking to plan for the majority of late but I had not been.  

I will make those apple pie wontons again though.  Oh yes, just in the future.

This morning I added a few new info pages to the blog in between trying to potty-train Lilly.  If you take a look at the side bar you'll see Favorite Low Carb Products Products and a Beachbody Info tab! I also updated my contact info so you an reach me.

I wanted to start fresh today because following the workout schedule for 21 Day Fix doesn't help if I don't eat right so I made my Shakeology first thing and made sure to fill up a big glass of water.  Totally worth it because I felt so much better afterwards and I really have felt gross the past couple of days due to some of my food choices.

Nap-time rolled around for Lilly so I did what I didn't want to but had to do: Doubled up on workouts AND planks.

Yuck.

I lived through it.

I feel pretty good now.

It was Lower Fix and Pilates Fix and I had two 20 second planks to do.  My core is super weak which is why I am doing the plank challenge.  It's a 30 Day Challenge a friend of mine is running and it started with 15 seconds and is supposed to end with 60.  I need to do it every day so that I actually improve because doubling up isn't as productive muscle wise.

So Days 3 & 4/21 Done.  Just sixteen more to go.

Since I've been having such a difficult time staying on track I decided to take a look back to when I first started attempting to lose weight to see what I may have changed since then and figure out why I did so incredibly well the first few months.  Looking back, that first month I saw my doctor every week, followed by two months of every two weeks.  This held me accountable.  I knew my doctor would know if I was lying about what I was eating if I wasn't losing weight so I stuck to my plan nearly 100%.  Now that I don't see him anymore (by choice, I was going once every two months and it just wasn't helping me anymore) I don't have that fear of embarrassment.

But taking it one week at a time sounds like a good plan so up until July 21st I have marked weeks in my food journal (kept track by Day 1-7) and I'm going to be taking it one day at a time, one week at a time.  After so many months of weight loss I was just looking at too much of the picture to reach the end successfully.  I have about 30 pounds or so left to go (I think, my smallest weight in high school was 174 so I honestly can't tell you what I'll look at smaller and I could change my mind), and since I've already lost 60 that really should not be an issue.

If I stay on here any longer I'll only ramble more and the beast-est (a.k.a my daughter Lilly) has awakened from her nap.

About Ready To Throw Out the Scale Again...

I have a love hate relationship with my scale.  I step on it way too much often but often times when I don't have it I don't pay attention to my eating and my weight goes up.

But if I'm doing everything right and I say bloat due to that time of the month or one day of carbs, I get a little loose because what's one more day of carbs and then it goes up.

And thus, this has been my life since October.  This is why I am stuck in the upper 180's or lower 190's.  I love food, I love it a little too much.  I did well most of the day until dinner and I made a dessert that I shouldn't even have bought the items to make.  It was delicious, but really.  I regret it now.  I almost feel like I need to put "You will regret it" on just about every kitchen cabinet and surface possible.

I have goals.  I want to get to 155.  It's so close and quite honestly if I had just cracked down on myself for a few months I'd totally be there by now.  But I've been pretty relaxed with myself.  I've gotten comfortable.  Too comfortable.  I no longer see my doctor so the only one holding myself accountable is me.  My husband certainly doesn't, and that's okay, that's not really his job.

I have stopped caring about what others think of my progress.  I am still overweight but no longer obese and in a normal dress size so I don't feel as uncomfortable around others who are healthier than me.  It's funny how being uncomfortable can make you do things.  Now that I'm not feeling like crap about my appearance I'm not making progress.  Yes, I want to be healthy, I want to get rid of my stupid protruding stomach, but it's not 100% pressing.  Ya get me?

I gotta get my butt in gear.  I've been stuck at a weight before and I got super frustrated and then got pregnant and got up to 256.  I do not want to ever be there again.  It's not an option.

So, that leads me back to the scale.  The way I weigh the way I eat around what I weigh.  Last year I threw it out.  I did well for awhile and then freaked out and bought a new one after I had my wisdom teeth out.  I'm thinking about getting rid of it.  I've tried hiding it in the house but I just go and get it back out.  I need to focus on my food and the way I look and feel but I am so very dependent on the scale I'm quite afraid to get rid of it again.

What if I do so and I end up eating whatever I want?

This is my fear.

My Thoughts On Body Shaming

Body shaming comes in all forms and is not exclusive.  We even tend to body shame ourselves.

There is a huge body positivity movement within the plus sized community.  A community I still feel a part of.  I belonged to it for most of my life.  I wish it was what it is now back when I was in middle school and high school.  I really needed it back then.

That said, I also see a lot of comments from some of those same members against thinner people.  "Real men love curves" or "Only dogs like bones" etc.  LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING: That is body shaming as well.  You are participating in something you claim to be fighting against.  You absolutely can be positive about being plus sized while still allowing others to be thin or fit.

"She needs to go eat a burger or something."  How do you know she hasn't?  How do you know what she eats?  Have you asked this person about their diet? (I use the term diet to refer to what they eat.  That is the proper term for what someone eats on a regular basis).  Most likely not.  I know people who are thin that eat more than enough.  They have problems gaining weight.  That is not a time to insert a sarcastic "oh poor them".  Maybe they wait to gain weight just as much as you want to loose it.  I say that because if you are 100% positive in your body you will only want to lift others up to where you are.  You will not want to shoot them down and you absolutely will not be jealous of them.  So if you are, take the time to reflect about your situation.  Don't worry about other people.  Think about yours.

Now that I have that off my chest, I'm going to continue into something I saw on Instagram today that was really upsetting.

One person I just started following deleted his account because he was receiving upsetting comments.  This person had already lost 213 pounds!!!!  But because he was still 451 pounds, with loose skin, someone felt the need to become a rude ass bitch.  Two hundred and thirteen pounds.  Two hundred and thirteen pounds of dedication and commitment.  Two hundred and thirteen pounds of hard work and some internet asswad decided to say something.

It takes two positive comments to outweigh a negative one.  This is proven in management and I am sure it applies to other aspects of life as well.

I also just read another account where someone who has lost a good amount of weight was called anorexic.  Why?  Because she is thin and looks great?  So aggravating.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE SOMEONE IS AT IN THEIR JOURNEY.

That obese person you see may have already lost 213 pounds.  That thin person may be working on building muscle and gaining weight.  Maybe they just had cancer.  Maybe that obese person has a thyroid issue.  Maybe they have a binge eating disorder.  YOU DO NOT KNOW.

Just because someone looks a certain way and you have decided that you don't like it does not give you license to comment on it.  How someone's body is shaped, what they are choosing to wear or not wear.  It is none of your business unless you have something positive to say!  LIFT OTHERS UP.

If you feel so bad about where you are at that you have to say something negative to make yourself feel good you honestly need to think about the fact that negativity certainly isn't going to get you to where you want to be.  Positive thinking goes a long way in all aspects of your life.  So if you're one of these negative internet trolls: I'm here to help when you're ready to change your mindset.  Because everyone needs help sometimes.

When You Just Don't Feel Like It....

You have to do it anyway.

I have felt like crap today.  My stomach is bloated and sticking out all the way to the next state.  The little monster slept better last night but had problems in the early morning so once again I turned off my 5:30 am alarm.  It happens.

I started working on a logo for the blog last night and this morning I wanted to finish it and follow up on some Beachbody connections.  Then we had to go to the store for day time and night time pull-ups even though Lilly has decided to become a nudist at the ripe old age of two.

She fell asleep in the car on the way home and I was lucky enough to be able to transfer her to her bed so I put on my workout clothes.

Then I sat for an hour.

I kept looking at the clock, thinking to myself "I should really workout".  I got my butt up and turned on BOD (Beachbody on Demand) and pressed the dang play button on Upper Fix and do you know what crazy thing I did after that?  I tried like 7 minutes of the preview of 22 Minute Harcorps because #killing it.  Ha ha.  Okay, maybe not killing it, but I wanted to do more because Upper Fix is all weights no cardio and I always feel like I need to do some extra.

The truth is, when you don't feel like it, you have to make yourself do it if you want to see results.  I love how I feel after I workout (my gut feels quite a bit better by the way, go figure) but I'm not one of those people that will ever tell you that I just LOVE to workout.  I like to go on walks...

There are days where it will be effortless to get up and workout and days where you are this close to not doing it.  There will probably be days when you don't do it.  But that's okay.  We are human and we are works in progress.  Just make sure you do more than you don't.

So I'm glad I did what I had to do.  Day 2/21 done.  Nineteen left to go.

Without further aideu, here is my new logo.  Concept and drawing by me, which is probably why it's not super professional looking.  But I like her.

Working Out On No Sleep

Last night, before I went to bed, I carefully laid out my workout clothes and tennis shoes and set my alarm for 5:30 am.

Last night my two year old woke up just about every.  single.  hour.  I turned off my alarm sometime around 4 am.  My daughter woke up at about six so I wan't too far behind.

But I was so tired.  I almost didn't work out.  I looked at those clothes.  And looked at them.  And looked at them.  Then I finally put them on.

I dressed my daughter, turned on BOD (Beachbody On Demand), and pressed play on Total Body Cardio Fix.  I may have modified some of it.  Day 1/21 done.  Twenty more days to go.  Speaking of 21 Day Fix, the challenge pack is ON SALE this month!  30 minutes a day, 21 Days.  Customizable eating plan with portion control containers, a months supply of Shakeology, a shaker cup.  All $140.  If you think it's too easy, 21 Day Fix Extreme is also on sale!  Shoot me a line for more info or click the links to order!

So I got the workout in.  The whole time I was doing my warm-up exercises my daughter was following along, as best as a two year old can, and then looking back at me with her big bright eyes, grinning from ear to ear and saying "Good job!".  Such positive reinforcement!

After our workout we headed to Target where she proceeded to throw an epic tantrum over being placed in the cart so I had to let her down to walk beside me which pretty much ended our trip.

My food has been horrible today.  I had to go grocery shopping and after Target that was not happening until I dropped the little monster off at her first day of preschool enrichment.  I think I'm going to miss early morning grocery shopping.

Tomorrow I will do 100% on my food.  Wednesday is my weigh in day and I'll be weighing every week from here on out.  My goal is to be consistent with good eating until June 26 in which I have a baby shower to attend.  It will be a treat day.

And that, my friends, was my pretty average day.  I didn't let lack of sleep stop me from working out so I'm pretty proud of that.  Exhaustion whether at the start or end of the day is usually a very big reason people don't workout.  I find morning workouts are easier to get in and get done for me.

What time is best for you to make certain you get your workout in?

My Love of Cake

If you know me, you know about my love of cake.  I love to bake cakes, I love to decorate cakes, and I love to eat cakes.

I also love food.  I love to eat food even when I am not hungry because it tastes good.

This led to me reaching 256 pounds after my daughter was born.  It was not baby weight it was "I'm going to eat whatever I want" weight.  I had heartburn every night.  I couldn't even go on a walk with my husband and daughter without huffing and puffing and cursing inside my head.  I took up a lot of space and I was miserable other than being a busy new mom.

It took finally having enough to go to my doctor, get some blood work done, and get on an eating plan.  This worked great for a good while.  I lost 60+ pounds (I currently fluctuate in the 180's).

I still have about 30 pounds to go.  That's okay.

I'm good with working out on a regular basis.  I have found some awesome workouts I love to do (21 Day Fix, Cize, and Insanity being a few).  But food.  Oooh, glorious food.  And cake.

I have been struggling.  But that's okay.

I am back on track, and I will get rid of this last 30 pounds!