Last year, I threw my old scale out. It was driving me crazy because it was all over the place as far as accuracy. But then, after my wisdom tooth removal and getting off track with my eating I freaked out and went and bought a new one.
I've tried to get rid of it a few times, or well, put it in another room and forget it, but it kept coming back.
Last night I took the batteries out, threw them away, and put the scale up.
I had seriously forgotten one of the major reasons I had started this journey in the first place: HEALTH. That's right. My health. Now, at 242 pounds that scale number was rather important to my health. At 180-something not so much. I am still overweight by all basic standards but after so long trying to reach a healthy weight I had become obsessed with the scale and was using it to determine all progress. It just doesn't work that way when you're building muscle and whatnot! Add on the fact that women can gain 5-10 pounds during their period, it really isn't the best tool to use.
Neither, for me, is the tape measure. Because I can bloat and I can bloat bad. Usually induced by carbs I can see two inches of bloat on my stomach. I can feel when I am, I can see when I am, but sometimes I still crack that tape measure out to see. Then I get depressed.
Now, this won't happen to everyone. I am someone who has lived my entire life pretty much not liking what I see in the mirror. That's right. Even now I look in the mirror and I fail to like my body. I've never known what it is like to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Even on my wedding day I looked into the mirror with disappointment. I was pregnant and had gained weight and my dress didn't fit at all like I wanted it to. When I look at pictures from my wedding that is about all that I see.
So, of course with those issues which I am sure many women and men have, the scale and the tape measure aren't really my friends.
I needed to take a step back, remember my daughter, who will be watching my every move, and put the scale up. I was stepping on it several times a day. I became way too familiar with how my weight could and would fluctuate and it started creeping into my eating habits. As in, I was become afraid to eat.
This, my friends, is how eating disorders are developed I'm pretty sure. So I'm stopping myself before it gets out of control and I will focus on getting back to low carb which has worked for me when other food plans haven't, and tracking what I eat and working out to get strong.
Because I tell Lilly I am working out to get strong and when I put on my exercise clothes she says "Mama exercise, mama get strong" and I want her to keep that in her head. That exercise is for getting strong, not losing weight. I don't want her thinking I hate my body, and developing those same hateful thoughts. It's why I teach her "we love our tummies" even when I don't love mine. I will fake it until I make it because I'll be damned if she grows up with my insecurities.
So, back to the basics. Low carb for more than a few days, tracking what I eat, and hopefully just seeing the changes through pictures. Eventually I'll pull the scale back out, but for now, the important part is stress free progress.
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