Oh man, am I disappointed in myself. I made it to 185.2 and had a cheat meal that turned into cheat day, then had another one a few days later on the weekend, and then this past week a death in the family meant I ate whatever I wanted without much thought.
I can tell you I'm likely in the 190's again.
I can also tell you that I threw out my scale. When I had a good day I'd use it as an excuse for lienancy, and when I had a bad day I used it as an excuse to say "Well what does it matter anyway?". I weigh in with my doctor once a month and that's not going to change anytime soon so I figured why do I need a scale at home?
My plan moving forward (because how many plans have I started and stopped, right?), is to try meal prepping and to do a round of 21 Day Fix as well as continuing running.
Losing weight is for health but for me the main reason I continue is how I look in clothes. Sure, it's superficial, but when I went shopping this past week I was too big for the regular stores and too small for the plus size stores and I had a freak out moment of "I'm not going to be able to find anything appropriate to wear". It was close guys, it was really close.
I carry a lot of my weight in my belly (it grows forward of course) and legs. This makes dresses almost impossible to buy because my top half is two sizes different than the bottom. A dress for me is never off the rack unless it is A-line and I discovered adult stores do not carry A-line dresses that are nice for women. They're all sheath dresses. Well, I look five months pregnant in sheath dresses. No I will not wear spanx. If I'm uncomfortable it shows, and I tug at my clothes and then worry the entire time if I look okay. It's just not worth it.
I also found out navy shoes in size 10 that are not heels are also impossible to find on short notice. I really need to build a wardrobe but I've been losing weight (ha ha ha) and haven't wanted to spend month on clothes.
The truth is, I'm in the same spot this year, as I was last year. I'm still in the 180's/190's and have been. I cannot get a grip on my eating habits. I'm good for about a week or two and then fizzle out.
I wish I could explain it. It should be so simple as to say "no, I don't want to/can't have/am not going to eat that". For some people it is. There are days I'm eating something and I think to myself "this makes no sense, I'm going to regret this later" and I do it anyway. It's compulsive, it's confusing. Most people do not understand.
My idea is to really try to get back to where I was mentally when I first started the low carb diet. I'm going to allow myself one 20 oz diet soda a week with a small bag of chips, and keep to low carb (20-50 carbs per day) all the other days of the week and meals. 60 Days of this. No eating out. Under no circumstances. I am strong, and I can do this. Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself.
With exercise, I made it to 177 back in July by doing 21 Day Fix and running. I could tell the fat was thinning out on my legs and belly. That wasn't all from just getting down to 177. That was from my workouts and I need to work on building muscle in addition to cardio.
I have to be honest, I'm tired of having to worry about all of this. It's probably why I struggle. I wish I didn't have to worry about food or exercise. That I could go through life not worrying about how many carbs or calories are in what meal. I have yet to really build a love of exercise. I hate doing it. I get sore, I sweat, it's hard to breath. No matter how fit you are, that's what proper exercise is and I dislike it. Even the dance videos get old to me. It is what it is. I do it because I know I have to. But I'm tired of it all.
I am still trying though. Because I am unhappy with my appearance. So I will continue to try until I meet my goal or just cannot try any more.
Wish me luck, I need it.
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