I No Longer Believe I Can Do It

I am really lost and depressed at this point in time.

I no longer believe I can lose any more weight, in fact all I see in my future is weight gain.

Nick once again proved to me the other night that he doesn't listen to me when I discuss my issues with weight loss with him when I told him I really shouldn't be eating the rice and he said "It's just portion control"

I thought I had made it blindingly clear that I have a food addiction because I actually eat food because it tastes good.  Not because I am hungry.  It's not even a "I'm hungry, and I want to eat Food A rather than Food B, because Food A tastes better"  No.  It's "I am bored and what can I eat that tastes good?"

My gut has expanded.  I weighed in at 195 today, this is one pound under obese for me.  I am terribly depressed.

I cannot seem to control my eating and in fact right now all I want is some chocolate and a subway sandwich.  Maybe some french fries.

I feel as if nobody cares if I lose weight.  I don't think anyone would care if I gained it all back.  I feel like, I'd probably just prove to people what they likely were thinking all along, that I couldn't do it.

I feel alone in this journey.

I feel pretty helpless at this point.

In fact, before I got pregnant with Lilly, I had been stuck at 203-207 for a very very long time, and I am feeling just about like I was then.  I gave up when I got pregnant.

I've pretty much given up on eating in a manner that will help me continue this journey.

I do not like low carb, nor have I ever.  I am tired of eggs and chicken.  My plan did not allow much red meat or fatty meat (like bacon) and the salt does effect me.

I attempted 21 Day Fix meal plan but also did not lose weight.  I ended up eating a few extra cups of things because the booklet said I could and I always chose the things like the frozen waffles.

Peanut butter has become a trigger and I in fact melted butter, peanut butter, and dark chocolate chips in a bowl the other day and ate it.

Then I threw out the peanut butter and chocolate chips.

I need someone to hold my hand through this journey and I hate it but I know I need it because I am not enough for myself and if nobody is monitoring me it doesn't work.  But it has to be someone that I feel would be disappointed in me or that I would be embarrassed to have gained or maintained at my weigh in.

I attempted a while ago to have Nick weigh me every week but it was me who had to remind him and on the weeks where I didn't take care of it, well, I didn't remind him and I just dropped it.  In fact, I don't think he cares if I gain weight to be honest.  I almost feel like he would rather I not loose any more weight.

But I am overweight.  I lost 60 pounds and I am still overweight and in fact, I am AT THE TOP of the Overweight scale.

I want to be comfortable in my body.  I have never felt happy with how I look.  I have never been comfortable in clothing in front of others, I feel my stomach roll protrude over my waist band and I try to sit with my arms around it.  I despise pictures because I still have a double chin, large arms with hanging bat wings, and my legs are pretty chunky still.  Pictures make it look worse and remind me exactly what I know: I HATE HOW I LOOK.

I will always hate how I look.  This is how I feel.  I feel like I will never be a normal sized human being.  That I will never be able to look in the mirror and enjoy my appearance.  That I will never put on a piece of clothing and be happy with how it fits.

That life, for me, right now, it seems like it will never happen.  That it is not for me.

It may be a pitty party for one, but that is my mental state, and that is what I want to share because it is the truth.

Definition of Insanity

There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

So, here I am, at a year of trying to get back on track with low carb and going from 177 to 190 over and over and over.  So, why am I still trying to do low carb?

Good question.

I am so over it.

I also am over calorie counting and Weight Watchers (can we talk about how their business plan relies on people gaining the weight back?)

Anyway, with my increased love and interest in anime and similar things, and Nick's love of sushi and desire to eat a good bowl of ramen, I've decided to try something totally different.

Actually eating good food and not counting calories or points or carbs or whatever.

Now, I've somewhat planned out meals, and will still be doing a lower carb, but I am tired of not cooking or having meals with my family.  When I do low carb I don't cook leaving Nick and Lilly out in the cold more or less.  Or I do really basic stuff.

Today, I bought some cool stuff:

A ricer cooker, a ramen and udon cookbook, a sushi mat, and Lilly got some training chopsticks that match her trademark pig tails!  Seriously, how cute are those?

My plan moving forward, now that I am finally getting better after being sick, is to eat eggs or similar for breakfast, have a low carb turkey wrap for lunch, and various chicken dinners with rice or veggies.  Snacks will be fruit or carrots with some ranch.  I'm going to get rid of my diet soda habit.

Did I ever mention I have a really bad diet soda habit?  It's bad.  I know it's not good for me, and it's bad.

I want to eat cleaner without being 100% clean, eat more regular type meals, eat with my family, provide Lilly with better examples of a healthy relationship with food.

On top of that, I plan on practicing my ninjutsu for 30 minutes every day.  This will include bokken, and studying from my guidebook.  I also will exercise, sticking with my chart I made just before I got sick.  Maybe changing it up a bit.

I will not weigh myself obsessively but focus on the fit of my clothes.  I won't try and throw the scale out but I will try and not use it all the time and work on not focusing on the number near as much as I do.

I want to improve my planks (which I have gotten up to 50 seconds!  WOW!) and work on balance, push ups, and endurance.

I can't make promises to myself or this blog.  I almost never make my goals.  They also make me obsessed, I want to live a normal healthy life without worrying about food and exercise.  I want it to be a normal, every day thing.  Something I don't have to think about, but habit.

I have a very bad relationship with food, that has only gotten worse this past year due.  I want to change that.

I am going to do my best and see what happens.

Being Sick Sucks - Day I lost count since my notebook had milk spilled on it...

I've been sick for a week now.  I've missed two ninjutsu classes, I didn't get to start my workout schedule.  I'm miserable.  Sinus infection.  So hacking, coughing up nasty gunk, pressure in my face.  Nothing fun.

On the plus side, I've been doing fairly well with my food plan.  Did I mention I couldn't keep my scale put up?  Well, good news is I am back down to 183.8.   Really good progress I feel.  I can't imagine what it would look like if I had been able to workout the past week like I had intended.

I am really, really hoping I don't miss another ninjutsu class and I am considering going to the minute clinic today but I have my daughter, as always, and that sounds kind of dreadful with a two year old and a stuffy head.

As it is, I have to go to the store to get her night pull-ups.  Potty training is a B you guys.  Or Lilly is just stubborn.  Or both.  Well, she's definitely stubborn.  Totally her own person.

Anyway, that's my update.  I am hoping to get well and get to exercising again but we will see what happens.  When I get sick it just lingers and it knocks me out bad.  Doesn't help Lilly is sick too, though less so than I, and has not been sleeping well at all.  Sleep is so essential.

Sunday Weigh-In Week One

So, last night was my Sunday weigh-in with my husband weighing me.  As you may recall, I was struggling with my accountability and decided to have him weigh me may make it embarrassing enough should I not lose weight.  Seems to be working.

Since I came up with this idea late on a Sunday night my weigh in is Sunday night before we go to bed, while wearing my pajamas (same ones every time).  We all know we gain some weight during the day but as long as you weigh-in at the same time with the same conditions it's pretty accurate.

I also weigh Thursday mornings for my Instagram account (@mommysahrifit).

Anyway...

Start: 195.8

Week One: 190.6     -5.2 pounds

We have a victory!!!

I'm going to consider it mostly water weight but the good news is even so, I gave myself until our anniversary on October 26th to get to my goal, which means I only have to lose an average of two pounds per week.  Most of the time I'll have a good week followed by a mediocre one so we will see what next week brings.

Run Shannah, Run!

The past month or so I've been feeling blah and stressed.  Lilly still doesn't sleep through the night and with two plus years of that going on, with me being the primary one getting up so my husband can function at work and school, it's taking it's toll.  Add on her newfound temperamental attitude and at the end of the day I'm just mentally tapped out.

Now, since last June I have been actively exercising on a regular basis but I have mostly only done Beachbody workouts from home.  Lilly and I walk anywhere from 1-3 miles when it's nice out and she wants to stay in the stroller (which isn't much anymore but last summer was wonderful) but it is no longer a daily thing like last year.

Last night, after the kids were put in bed, I decided I wanted to run.  I've never been a runner.  I have ankle and knee issues and the last time I ran outside was during high school gym class when we were forced to run the mile and I remember those four laps around the football field feeling like torture.  I know I walked most of the time.

I had two goals in mind: Run the whole time and keep a steady pace.  I accomplished that.

It was strangely nice to get outside, to see the path pass before me as the sun was starting to sink lower into the sky.  I was able to get most everything out of my mind and simply focus on the task of running and breathing (which I need to work on).

11:05.

Not the best time in the whole world but my standard cardio is totally different than running so I'll take it as a pretty great starting point.  Sixteen months ago I couldn't walk a mile without a good amount of pain and feeling out of breath.  It's amazing how much one can change over a small amount of time and while I may not be where I want to be this was a really good opportunity to realize how far I have come.

Sometimes after losing so much weight and working at it for what seems like forever, when you're not where you want to be you lose sight of where you once were.  Of how far you've come.  Truth be told sometimes I look in the mirror and still see my 246 pound self.  I have to compare photos side by side to see the change.  To realize that at one time I was much larger.

I am looking forward to trying to improve my run time, and losing these last 30 pounds.  Where I'll go from there I'm not certain.  I've never been under 174 that I can remember.  174 was my high school sophomore year weight.  So, it's been a tremendously long time.  I know when I graduated high school I was likely in the 190's or at 200.  I have no idea what I will look like when I'm done.  None.  It's a little scary.  But I know I will be faster and stronger and healthier than I have ever been before.

When Holding Yourself Accountable Isn't Enough

They say to lose weight you can't do it for someone else, you have to do it for yourself.

To an extent I believe this.  On the other hand...I've never been enough for myself.

My initial journey started because I have a daughter.  She will not struggle with body imagine her whole life like I have and I need to start that young and it starts with being healthy.

My early found success was because I frequently saw my doctor and I knew he would know I wasn't following his plan if I wasn't losing weight.  If you follow the plan, you will lose weight.  If you follow the plan.

So I followed it because I wasn't about to pay him and walk in there not having lost any weight.  It would be embarrassing.

However as time progressed and I saw him less and less because I was doing so well I started to slip more and more.

Which has led me to my current state.  It's all food.  It's 100% all food.  That is where my issue lies.

I am 100% disappointed in myself for being the same since October.  It's unacceptable.  I workout, I'm a Beachbody coach, I really should be staying on track.  But I'm not, because there is nobody there to keep track of me.

So, in an effort to get at it I have pushed my goal back to October 26th (my anniversary) and I am having my husband weigh me every single Sunday night.  He'll know if I've been true to my word or not and all I have to do to reach my goal is two pounds per week.

I know I can do this.  I know it.  I've done it before and I seriously have so little left to lose comparatively.

What are your GOALS and what are you doing to make certain you reach them?

Don't Let FEAR and PRIDE Get In Your Way

I was miserable here.  My heaviest weight, and you can see it in just my eyes.  I take up almost the entire door.

Yeserday, a new survey/study showed that the obesity rate of women rose to 40%.  Forty flippin' percent.  That is HIGH.  Even though BMI is not the be all end all, that is still a high number.

There are many different reasons we are obese at this high of a rate.  I think most of it has to do with food and office jobs.  Our lifestyles have us on the go, eating crazy processed packaged foods, with little time to actually pay attention to ourselves.

Even if you don't have high blood pressure, cholesterol, or blood glucose levels right now if you're overweight or obese, eventually that crap catches up with you.  At 246 pounds my blood work came back in the normal range with the exception of my Vitamin D levels.  No duh there, I'm never in the sun I turn into lobster woman.

The truth is, even with nothing back on the blood work my weight was still effecting me.  I couldn't even walk a mile without getting winded.  I had heartburn every night.  My ankle would swell if I did too much walking, and I just felt generally uncomfortable around other people because of my size.

Our bodies are not made to carry that much extra weight.  It causes a lot of stress on our spines and joints.

Admitting that we have a problem with our weight can be extremely difficult.  It can be embarrassing.  It can be difficult to admit that we don't have the information we need to change it.  Embarrassing to say "I really don't know where to start".  With all the gimmicks and plans out there it can make you feel like you're swimming in an endless sea and lord knows which one will work for you.  Embarrassing to ask for help.

It can be a serious hit to our PRIDE to step up and say we need help with something like our food or fitness.  Others in your life may make it look so simple to do but for you it might be one of the most difficult things.  I know for me it's not just deciding that I'm going to do it.  I have to work at it every single day.

Then there is the fear:

What if I fail again?

What if I still don't like how I look?

What if it doesn't help my high blood pressure, back pain, etc.?

What if?

Those "what if's" are terrifying.


But let me start:  My name is Shannah, I am almost 31.  I have a problem with food.  I eat when I am stressed and when I am bored and I eat when we have something yummy in the house just because I know it tastes good.  Sometimes I want a sweet so bad I will go out of my way to bake.  When I start eating things like that, I find it difficult to stop.  In that moment and even later on I may continue to make poor food choices for a day, a week, or even a month.

I tried and failed Weight Watchers at least four times.  I tried and failed calorie counting probably just as many.

On my honeymoon I was 220 pounds and I could barely fit into the plane seat or buckle the belt.  It latched but barely.  I may have been three months pregnant but the truth is that it was just baby weight and 20 of those pounds I had gained in the three months before because I had been trying to lose weight prior to pregnancy but used pregnancy as an excuse to eat what I wanted.  My thigh rubbed against the person next to me on the plane and it was embarrassing.  

By the time I went into labor I was 260 pounds.

It would be a year later that I finally could admit to someone I didn't know, that I needed help and I sought out my doctor.  I didn't believe I could do it because I never had before.

Asking for help was hard.  I didn't believe in myself.  But I tried.  I was willing to give it one last shot.  I was embarrassed to admit I needed help.  I was a grown woman for crying out loud how could I not control my eating?  But I did it, because frankly I was tired of heartburn every night and being so physically uncomfortable.

I am here for you.  I understand how difficult it can be.  It is scary and it is hard.  Changing our lives, changing our eating habits, our exercise habits, it's hard.  We have to fit it in with work and family.  Sometimes we are lucky enough to have family members on board and sometimes they just don't want to do it too.

The cost can be worrisome.  Will my grocery bill be higher?  Do I have that money to spend?  I ask you, how much is your deductible and co-pays for that surgery you may need down the line?  How much is a visit to the chiropractor?  Heartburn meds?  Blood pressure meds?  Insulin?

The time can be difficult to figure out.  Kids. Family. Work.  But you CAN fit it in.  30 minutes a day.  That's all you need, and not even every day of the week!  Healthy meals take no longer than any other meal to cook and there are many affordable options out there.

It is scary.  It an be embarrassing.  It is difficult.

It can be done.  Don't wait for a better time.  There is NEVER a better time.

However, I am here to help.

Slacking Off is Never Worth It

Yesterday I took a me day.  I've been in a bit of a funk so I went and bought hair dye, dyed my hair, painted my toes, and tried out an eye make-up tutorial because at nearly 31 I still don't know how to apply make-up but I like how it looks.

Except it wasn't a 100% me day because I failed to workout and I failed to do my plank challenge.  I also made these rather delicious wonton wrapper apple pie things and ate them with vanilla carbsmart.  The ice cream was compliant of my current plan.  The delicious wonton apple pies were not.  No biggie if I had been sticking to plan for the majority of late but I had not been.  

I will make those apple pie wontons again though.  Oh yes, just in the future.

This morning I added a few new info pages to the blog in between trying to potty-train Lilly.  If you take a look at the side bar you'll see Favorite Low Carb Products Products and a Beachbody Info tab! I also updated my contact info so you an reach me.

I wanted to start fresh today because following the workout schedule for 21 Day Fix doesn't help if I don't eat right so I made my Shakeology first thing and made sure to fill up a big glass of water.  Totally worth it because I felt so much better afterwards and I really have felt gross the past couple of days due to some of my food choices.

Nap-time rolled around for Lilly so I did what I didn't want to but had to do: Doubled up on workouts AND planks.

Yuck.

I lived through it.

I feel pretty good now.

It was Lower Fix and Pilates Fix and I had two 20 second planks to do.  My core is super weak which is why I am doing the plank challenge.  It's a 30 Day Challenge a friend of mine is running and it started with 15 seconds and is supposed to end with 60.  I need to do it every day so that I actually improve because doubling up isn't as productive muscle wise.

So Days 3 & 4/21 Done.  Just sixteen more to go.

Since I've been having such a difficult time staying on track I decided to take a look back to when I first started attempting to lose weight to see what I may have changed since then and figure out why I did so incredibly well the first few months.  Looking back, that first month I saw my doctor every week, followed by two months of every two weeks.  This held me accountable.  I knew my doctor would know if I was lying about what I was eating if I wasn't losing weight so I stuck to my plan nearly 100%.  Now that I don't see him anymore (by choice, I was going once every two months and it just wasn't helping me anymore) I don't have that fear of embarrassment.

But taking it one week at a time sounds like a good plan so up until July 21st I have marked weeks in my food journal (kept track by Day 1-7) and I'm going to be taking it one day at a time, one week at a time.  After so many months of weight loss I was just looking at too much of the picture to reach the end successfully.  I have about 30 pounds or so left to go (I think, my smallest weight in high school was 174 so I honestly can't tell you what I'll look at smaller and I could change my mind), and since I've already lost 60 that really should not be an issue.

If I stay on here any longer I'll only ramble more and the beast-est (a.k.a my daughter Lilly) has awakened from her nap.

About Ready To Throw Out the Scale Again...

I have a love hate relationship with my scale.  I step on it way too much often but often times when I don't have it I don't pay attention to my eating and my weight goes up.

But if I'm doing everything right and I say bloat due to that time of the month or one day of carbs, I get a little loose because what's one more day of carbs and then it goes up.

And thus, this has been my life since October.  This is why I am stuck in the upper 180's or lower 190's.  I love food, I love it a little too much.  I did well most of the day until dinner and I made a dessert that I shouldn't even have bought the items to make.  It was delicious, but really.  I regret it now.  I almost feel like I need to put "You will regret it" on just about every kitchen cabinet and surface possible.

I have goals.  I want to get to 155.  It's so close and quite honestly if I had just cracked down on myself for a few months I'd totally be there by now.  But I've been pretty relaxed with myself.  I've gotten comfortable.  Too comfortable.  I no longer see my doctor so the only one holding myself accountable is me.  My husband certainly doesn't, and that's okay, that's not really his job.

I have stopped caring about what others think of my progress.  I am still overweight but no longer obese and in a normal dress size so I don't feel as uncomfortable around others who are healthier than me.  It's funny how being uncomfortable can make you do things.  Now that I'm not feeling like crap about my appearance I'm not making progress.  Yes, I want to be healthy, I want to get rid of my stupid protruding stomach, but it's not 100% pressing.  Ya get me?

I gotta get my butt in gear.  I've been stuck at a weight before and I got super frustrated and then got pregnant and got up to 256.  I do not want to ever be there again.  It's not an option.

So, that leads me back to the scale.  The way I weigh the way I eat around what I weigh.  Last year I threw it out.  I did well for awhile and then freaked out and bought a new one after I had my wisdom teeth out.  I'm thinking about getting rid of it.  I've tried hiding it in the house but I just go and get it back out.  I need to focus on my food and the way I look and feel but I am so very dependent on the scale I'm quite afraid to get rid of it again.

What if I do so and I end up eating whatever I want?

This is my fear.

When You Just Don't Feel Like It....

You have to do it anyway.

I have felt like crap today.  My stomach is bloated and sticking out all the way to the next state.  The little monster slept better last night but had problems in the early morning so once again I turned off my 5:30 am alarm.  It happens.

I started working on a logo for the blog last night and this morning I wanted to finish it and follow up on some Beachbody connections.  Then we had to go to the store for day time and night time pull-ups even though Lilly has decided to become a nudist at the ripe old age of two.

She fell asleep in the car on the way home and I was lucky enough to be able to transfer her to her bed so I put on my workout clothes.

Then I sat for an hour.

I kept looking at the clock, thinking to myself "I should really workout".  I got my butt up and turned on BOD (Beachbody on Demand) and pressed the dang play button on Upper Fix and do you know what crazy thing I did after that?  I tried like 7 minutes of the preview of 22 Minute Harcorps because #killing it.  Ha ha.  Okay, maybe not killing it, but I wanted to do more because Upper Fix is all weights no cardio and I always feel like I need to do some extra.

The truth is, when you don't feel like it, you have to make yourself do it if you want to see results.  I love how I feel after I workout (my gut feels quite a bit better by the way, go figure) but I'm not one of those people that will ever tell you that I just LOVE to workout.  I like to go on walks...

There are days where it will be effortless to get up and workout and days where you are this close to not doing it.  There will probably be days when you don't do it.  But that's okay.  We are human and we are works in progress.  Just make sure you do more than you don't.

So I'm glad I did what I had to do.  Day 2/21 done.  Nineteen left to go.

Without further aideu, here is my new logo.  Concept and drawing by me, which is probably why it's not super professional looking.  But I like her.

Working Out On No Sleep

Last night, before I went to bed, I carefully laid out my workout clothes and tennis shoes and set my alarm for 5:30 am.

Last night my two year old woke up just about every.  single.  hour.  I turned off my alarm sometime around 4 am.  My daughter woke up at about six so I wan't too far behind.

But I was so tired.  I almost didn't work out.  I looked at those clothes.  And looked at them.  And looked at them.  Then I finally put them on.

I dressed my daughter, turned on BOD (Beachbody On Demand), and pressed play on Total Body Cardio Fix.  I may have modified some of it.  Day 1/21 done.  Twenty more days to go.  Speaking of 21 Day Fix, the challenge pack is ON SALE this month!  30 minutes a day, 21 Days.  Customizable eating plan with portion control containers, a months supply of Shakeology, a shaker cup.  All $140.  If you think it's too easy, 21 Day Fix Extreme is also on sale!  Shoot me a line for more info or click the links to order!

So I got the workout in.  The whole time I was doing my warm-up exercises my daughter was following along, as best as a two year old can, and then looking back at me with her big bright eyes, grinning from ear to ear and saying "Good job!".  Such positive reinforcement!

After our workout we headed to Target where she proceeded to throw an epic tantrum over being placed in the cart so I had to let her down to walk beside me which pretty much ended our trip.

My food has been horrible today.  I had to go grocery shopping and after Target that was not happening until I dropped the little monster off at her first day of preschool enrichment.  I think I'm going to miss early morning grocery shopping.

Tomorrow I will do 100% on my food.  Wednesday is my weigh in day and I'll be weighing every week from here on out.  My goal is to be consistent with good eating until June 26 in which I have a baby shower to attend.  It will be a treat day.

And that, my friends, was my pretty average day.  I didn't let lack of sleep stop me from working out so I'm pretty proud of that.  Exhaustion whether at the start or end of the day is usually a very big reason people don't workout.  I find morning workouts are easier to get in and get done for me.

What time is best for you to make certain you get your workout in?

My Love of Cake

If you know me, you know about my love of cake.  I love to bake cakes, I love to decorate cakes, and I love to eat cakes.

I also love food.  I love to eat food even when I am not hungry because it tastes good.

This led to me reaching 256 pounds after my daughter was born.  It was not baby weight it was "I'm going to eat whatever I want" weight.  I had heartburn every night.  I couldn't even go on a walk with my husband and daughter without huffing and puffing and cursing inside my head.  I took up a lot of space and I was miserable other than being a busy new mom.

It took finally having enough to go to my doctor, get some blood work done, and get on an eating plan.  This worked great for a good while.  I lost 60+ pounds (I currently fluctuate in the 180's).

I still have about 30 pounds to go.  That's okay.

I'm good with working out on a regular basis.  I have found some awesome workouts I love to do (21 Day Fix, Cize, and Insanity being a few).  But food.  Oooh, glorious food.  And cake.

I have been struggling.  But that's okay.

I am back on track, and I will get rid of this last 30 pounds!