Definition of Insanity

There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

So, here I am, at a year of trying to get back on track with low carb and going from 177 to 190 over and over and over.  So, why am I still trying to do low carb?

Good question.

I am so over it.

I also am over calorie counting and Weight Watchers (can we talk about how their business plan relies on people gaining the weight back?)

Anyway, with my increased love and interest in anime and similar things, and Nick's love of sushi and desire to eat a good bowl of ramen, I've decided to try something totally different.

Actually eating good food and not counting calories or points or carbs or whatever.

Now, I've somewhat planned out meals, and will still be doing a lower carb, but I am tired of not cooking or having meals with my family.  When I do low carb I don't cook leaving Nick and Lilly out in the cold more or less.  Or I do really basic stuff.

Today, I bought some cool stuff:

A ricer cooker, a ramen and udon cookbook, a sushi mat, and Lilly got some training chopsticks that match her trademark pig tails!  Seriously, how cute are those?

My plan moving forward, now that I am finally getting better after being sick, is to eat eggs or similar for breakfast, have a low carb turkey wrap for lunch, and various chicken dinners with rice or veggies.  Snacks will be fruit or carrots with some ranch.  I'm going to get rid of my diet soda habit.

Did I ever mention I have a really bad diet soda habit?  It's bad.  I know it's not good for me, and it's bad.

I want to eat cleaner without being 100% clean, eat more regular type meals, eat with my family, provide Lilly with better examples of a healthy relationship with food.

On top of that, I plan on practicing my ninjutsu for 30 minutes every day.  This will include bokken, and studying from my guidebook.  I also will exercise, sticking with my chart I made just before I got sick.  Maybe changing it up a bit.

I will not weigh myself obsessively but focus on the fit of my clothes.  I won't try and throw the scale out but I will try and not use it all the time and work on not focusing on the number near as much as I do.

I want to improve my planks (which I have gotten up to 50 seconds!  WOW!) and work on balance, push ups, and endurance.

I can't make promises to myself or this blog.  I almost never make my goals.  They also make me obsessed, I want to live a normal healthy life without worrying about food and exercise.  I want it to be a normal, every day thing.  Something I don't have to think about, but habit.

I have a very bad relationship with food, that has only gotten worse this past year due.  I want to change that.

I am going to do my best and see what happens.

Day One

Yesterday was Day One of my 57 days on track to November 23rd.

It is a re-commitment to myself to see my weight loss journey through to the end.  While I haven't lost any weight this last year, it was a definite learning experience.  Old habits die hard, and one cheat weekend away can send me out of my low carb mentality and straight to junk food city.

I battled scale obsession, stepping on the scale nearly every time I went into the bathroom.  I even tried to remove the scale to no success.

I tried and failed at being a Beachbody Coach, hoping to not only help myself and others.

I learned I can handle some pretty intense workouts with a little bit of modification (HELLO INSANITY!)

I also learned I can maintain my weight with thought.

So that said, I had enough of the up and down of the same 12 pounds and have committed to focusing on getting back on track with low carb eating (that has been the only thing that has worked for me).

I decided after we had Taco Fresco the other night that I would not eat out again until November 23rd (which is when we go get family photos, and right before Thanksgiving).

I wrote it down on my kitchen white board and then decided that I would also commit to 100% low carb.

Then, I wrote a quick blog about it.

Then I decided I would not weigh myself until October 23rd, and then again on November 23rd.  I emptied the batteries out of my scale, and put the batteries and scale in two different places.

I made a list of low carb foods since I have lost the one from my doctor.

I took my notebook and input every date until then, and marked them Days 1 - 57.  I lamented that it wasn't quite 60 days, but Thanksgiving...seriously.  Pumpkin Pie people.

Then I started.

I did fairly well yesterday.  I made sure I woke up, drank a 16 oz glass of water right away.  I did a sort of sad workout that consisted of a warm-up of jogging, some jumping jacks, but then I practiced with my bokken (wooden katana sword for practice) and some of my other ninjutsu techniques I am learning.  I think the class will be very positive for me mentally and physically.  I have worked out but never had set goals in mind with where I wanted to be and the Aiki Ninjutsu is giving me a picture of that.  I want to be quicker, and more flexible.  I want a better mind-body connection so that I move less clumsily.  I want to be able to do a damn push-up.

So I also added on a 25 second plank (it was as long as I could do), three good form sit-ups (sad, I know), and a very very sad attempt at a real push-up, and some very sad attempts at knee push ups.  My core isn't very strong so it makes it hard for me to lower myself, hence the planks.

While not a super intense workout, I am reaching for goals that are practical for what I am studying, and that means I am more likely to continue because I am one of those people that does things for others.  While I want to be fit and lose weight it has never been enough to do it for myself or do it for any reason that is not observed.  It has not been motivation enough, but improving my fitness and skills so that my instructor and fellow classmates can see I am improving is motivation.  Ridiculous at 31, I know.

Anyway, after all that, my food went pretty well for the day, and I finished at 53 carbs.  That's three carbs over my max of 50, but for a first day back, I consider that pretty good.

I also went on a walk and then took Lilly on a bike ride.

It was a good first day.

I am hoping to update here every day.  I left space in my notebook to write my water and food on the front of the page and a journal on the back of the page.  I have to commit to spending the time on it which is difficult with a demanding toddler around so I am sure I will miss logging some days on here, but I will definitely be keeping up with it and re-capping each day, even if some posts have two or three days in them.

Remember: I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

The Struggle is Beyond Real

So I have a problem.  I'm still having a very difficult time switching back to 100% low carb mode.  It's the only thing that ever worked for me out of all the bajillion things I have attempted so I really want to make it work again.  So please, please, do not suggest something else.

My issue is, nobody is around to hold me accountable but myself.  I have people telling me I've done great and look good left and right so none of them care if I lose more weight.  Of course I look better at 192 than I did at 250, that's pretty much a given.

I don't hold myself accountable because well, I seem to use the mentality that "I can do it eventually" or "Well this once won't hurt" and once turns into 100.

When I was going to my doctor on a weekly, then bi-weekly, and then monthly basis I did really well.  The bi-weekly was the best for me.  Once he put me to two month check ins it was over.  I kept telling myself I could eat what I wanted the first month then work on it the next, and I stopped going.

I tried to go back but it just didn't work.  He put me back to two month visits and I had to cancel a scheduled appointment or I forgot about it or something and they never called me.

I attempted to have Nick weight me every week but I had to remind him and it didn't last more than a few weeks.

Tried doing stuff on my Instagram but nobody really ever wrote on my exercise posts other than the standard "good job!" so I didn't stick with that either.

I swear I need an accounta-bil-a-buddy.  (Where is that term from?  It's totally in my mind from a movie!")  Because doing it for me has never been enough.

Ridiculous right, they always say do it for yourself, well, I should, and I want the results, but eating junk food just tastes better and I am all egg and chicken breasted out.

I definitely need to come up with a definitive set of reasonable goals and a plan to follow to get to those goals but I need a reason beyond me wanting it to reach those goals.

I have things I want to look good for.  My anniversary on October 26th.  Though Nick will be at work and school.  Then family pictures on November 26th.

I know if I just did low carb for two to three months straight, with minimal cheats, I'd totally make it.  I'd accomplish my goal, or damn near close.  But my mouth is not working with my mind.

On a plus note, aiki ninjutsu is FUN!  I've only been to two classes but I found between the first and second I was really looking forward to going back and my next class is tomorrow and I'm very excited.  I'm having a hard time learning some of the more complex moves but this is no surprise to me because it was the same way with massage therapy.  I had to do it over and over and over.  I'm not one of those ones that can see it one and get it.  I'm just not, and that's okay.

My dojo does not compete so it is a very happy and fun environment, and everyone is very friendly and willing to help you learn.  I haven't really met anyone my age there yet, but do hope I can make a few friends.

They do a getaway every year where they practice and do fun missions or rather "play ninja" as the owners wife called it.  They did a night mission and spear training and stuff you can't do inside the dojo and it sounds like everyone had fun.  Maybe in a few years when Nick is done with school and I've advanced a little bit I can go.

I am hoping through wanting to be better I am able to reach my weight goals.  We have an excellent student creed which is pretty much positive affirmation that I am repeating to myself several times a day.

Jin-Shin: I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

That is only part of the student creed, the other parts pertain to studies and instructors.  But Jin-Shin is a pretty good positive affirmation, even if you don't study aiki ninjitsu.

I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

Now, to set some goals and make a plan!

Suggestions are welcome so long as they don't cost money!  Ha ha!