Support is nice, until it's hurtful

I bought McDonald's last night.  I bought for myself and Lilly, while Nick was at class.  It was a rough day.  Lilly was into all sorts of things, we were stuck inside the house, I was looking up stuff for us to do, I told her "no" and she hit me.

She's hit before.  It's not often and it's only when she's super upset.  We're working on it.

Anyway, this led to me sitting on the kitchen floor crying out of frustration and my dearest Lilly coming up to me, rubbing my head and asking "Are you okay?"

Which led to me telling her she could have whatever she wanted for dinner and she asked for french fries.

I bought for both of us.

Of course Nick saw this and texted me "I'm disappointed that you got it for yourself when we are supposed to be working towards meeting your goal"

We.  We?  "We're" working towards me losing weight.  I guess.

Well, I decided I was disappointed in myself enough that he didn't need to be disappointed in me and from this point on he'll have no part in my weight loss journey.  He won't keep my scale for me (I found it and took it back), he won't ask about my day or my food, he won't know how it is or isn't going.  Life will be like I am not even attempting to lose weight.  If he asks if I want fast food or to go to a restaurant or whatever it will be up to me and only me to say no.  I will not tell him not to ask me those things because I always say yes.  Because that's an unfair burden on him.

I can't do it.  I wanted him for support but I can't have someone like my husband being disappointed in me for one bad day when I AM trying.  Maybe he doesn't get that it's easy for me to slip up or to fall back to food for emotional support.  I know he doesn't.  I know he's very logical.  That words he thinks are encouraging and would be encouraging for him are in fact words that hurt me and hinder me and honestly made me want to eat the whole house and then some.  "I'm disappointed".  I wanted to eat whatever we had.  But we didn't have much and so I didn't.

So he will not be my support in any form.  Because support is not "We are working hard"  Support is "I'm trying hard to help you reach your goal".  Not "We are working hard"  Because the one doing most of the work and worry and dealing with food, well, that's ME.  And his words pissed me off because it is hardest on ME.  And he hasn't been doing a whole lot to help me meet my goal anyway, so it really IS me.

ANYWAY....other than that, we have a treadmill on the way and I've been adding things to my Amazon wishlist out of boredom.  I painted my nails, I've drawn a little, put the Christmas decor in the garage and organized the bedroom again.  I put boxes of clothes in my trunk to donate and cleared out some trash.  There are dishes to be done but not many.  I'll survive.  I will do this.  I will be successful.

And my husband will not have to stress out about it because it will be as if it isn't even happening.

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017!

2016.

The year everyone hated.

I tell you what, almost all of the weight loss accounts I follow on Instagram either didn't lose in 2016 or they gained back part or all, of their loss  It appears that that is part of the process for a good majority of people.

The important thing I take away from it is that I could have gained weight back but I didn't.  I kept pushing, I kept trying, through all the tough spots and back and forth between 179 and 190, I stayed pretty steady.  I maintained.  I kept fighting.

2017.  A year for a new story to be written, or finished.  I'll consider 2016 my writer's block.

Today marks Day 3 of honest effort to remain on track with carbs.  I had been "back on low carb" enough in 2016 but was not doing my best.  I was sneaking Lilly's snacks, I was having too many cheat days (which are okay!  Just not...three or four times plus a week.), I wasn't actively counting all carbs.

The past two days have been difficult.  I am trying to follow the same plan I followed when I first started and lost the bulk of my weight.  I wake up, I take my medicine, I make three scrambled eggs with a sprinkle of cheese, I eat said eggs.  I like eggs but three eggs every day is hard.  That's a lot of eggs.  But it's 21 grams of protein which keeps me full.

I am writing down in my food journal everything I eat, and I am making sure to actually measure it all.  That includes the two tablespoons of salad dressing and one tablespoon of bacos.

But, I am doing it.  Two days and I have remained on track.

Nick went back to work today which means I am back on a schedule, which is great for maintaining my plan.  I'll workout when Lilly naps at one.  Not fond of working out in the middle of the day but it's what I have to do.  Otherwise she tries to relive her birth while I do frog crunches by climbing on me and crawling through my legs.  Over and over and over.

I'm using the 21 Day Fix workouts.  I like them, I haven't overdone them like some of my Jillian DVD's, and there is a variety so I'm not doing the same thing every day.

Nick and I are looking into getting a treadmill and I'm excited about that.  I like an easy cardio option and since the elliptical broke ages ago, I haven't had that really.  I don't care if I pop on for a 10 minute mile once a day or whatever, being a stay at home mom has me sitting a lot and I need my legs to get moving.  Running this past summer was nice when it wasn't so hot, and my legs did slim down.  My body may be the same weight but I have gained some of my fat back for sure since I haven't regularly worked out since July.

So, I am surviving, trying to get into the swing of things.  Once I get going I'm good, but it's the getting going that is tough.  I gave Nick my scale and he's hidden it.  I won't get it back until after my doctor's appointment on the 19th.  The problem with the scale is when I'm doing bad it depresses me and I want to eat and when I'm doing good I think one cheat won't hurt.  So it's a back and forth dance that gets nowhere.

So, that is where I am at.  Sorry for not updating much.  I've just spent my free time doing other things for awhile.

Definition of Insanity

There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

So, here I am, at a year of trying to get back on track with low carb and going from 177 to 190 over and over and over.  So, why am I still trying to do low carb?

Good question.

I am so over it.

I also am over calorie counting and Weight Watchers (can we talk about how their business plan relies on people gaining the weight back?)

Anyway, with my increased love and interest in anime and similar things, and Nick's love of sushi and desire to eat a good bowl of ramen, I've decided to try something totally different.

Actually eating good food and not counting calories or points or carbs or whatever.

Now, I've somewhat planned out meals, and will still be doing a lower carb, but I am tired of not cooking or having meals with my family.  When I do low carb I don't cook leaving Nick and Lilly out in the cold more or less.  Or I do really basic stuff.

Today, I bought some cool stuff:

A ricer cooker, a ramen and udon cookbook, a sushi mat, and Lilly got some training chopsticks that match her trademark pig tails!  Seriously, how cute are those?

My plan moving forward, now that I am finally getting better after being sick, is to eat eggs or similar for breakfast, have a low carb turkey wrap for lunch, and various chicken dinners with rice or veggies.  Snacks will be fruit or carrots with some ranch.  I'm going to get rid of my diet soda habit.

Did I ever mention I have a really bad diet soda habit?  It's bad.  I know it's not good for me, and it's bad.

I want to eat cleaner without being 100% clean, eat more regular type meals, eat with my family, provide Lilly with better examples of a healthy relationship with food.

On top of that, I plan on practicing my ninjutsu for 30 minutes every day.  This will include bokken, and studying from my guidebook.  I also will exercise, sticking with my chart I made just before I got sick.  Maybe changing it up a bit.

I will not weigh myself obsessively but focus on the fit of my clothes.  I won't try and throw the scale out but I will try and not use it all the time and work on not focusing on the number near as much as I do.

I want to improve my planks (which I have gotten up to 50 seconds!  WOW!) and work on balance, push ups, and endurance.

I can't make promises to myself or this blog.  I almost never make my goals.  They also make me obsessed, I want to live a normal healthy life without worrying about food and exercise.  I want it to be a normal, every day thing.  Something I don't have to think about, but habit.

I have a very bad relationship with food, that has only gotten worse this past year due.  I want to change that.

I am going to do my best and see what happens.

I Live With an Enabler

Enabler: a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another.

"he criticized her role as an enabler in her husband's pathological womanizing"

I live with an enabler.  He is my husband.

For the past year, I have maintained about a sixty pound weight loss.  "AMAZING!" you may say, but considering I am still overweight, and have about thirty more pounds to lose, and have been actively attempting weight loss for this past year, it's not so amazing in the end.

Now, it is not at all Nick's responsibility to get me to reach my goals.  I fully recognize that.  But there are behaviors that hinder me reaching my goals.

First, I want to be clear that I have a problem.  When presented with two options, one being on my low carb food plan and two being tasty and NOT on my food plan, I will choose number two without hesitation or thought.

For Nick, he doesn't quite understand this.  He's one of those people that all he has to do is decide he's going to do something for set amount of time and he does it.  It is not difficult for him to stay on track with whatever goal it may be, he does it.  Because he said he would.

For me it is much different.  I struggle.  Greatly.  It is an every day battle to fight towards my goals.  It is a mental push and some days the other side wins.  I need all the help I can get.

Nick has often asked me what he can do to help me.  I have told him over and over and over: DO NOT BUY ME FAST FOOD OR JUNK FOOD.  I will do whatever it takes to get it.  

This is not a lie.  I will mention it a billion times about how it sounds good, until he goes and gets it.  I will promise I won't get mad at him later for it.

But I have told him I will try all these these, and I have told him I do not want him to do these things, that he can go get food himself but please, please DO NOT ASK ME IF I WANT ANYTHING!  Because I will say "YES!" when it does nothing to help me reach my goals because in that moment all I am thinking about is food and how it tastes.

He once expressed that he felt bad if he went out for food himself, and didn't get me anything.  Like I was missing out on something.  We discussed it.  Yeah, I may feel like I am missing out at the time, and I could potentially be grumpy, but I can be grumpy because I missed out on some food or completely unhappy with how I look in the mirror because I ate it.

I wish I could be like him.  Set my mind to it and just do it.  Get it over with.  I wish with all my heart.  It would take pressure off me and off him, but that is not how I am.

I wish this was a simple plateau, but it's not.  It's me not controlling my eating.  Me losing that ability.  I've never 100% had that ability even when I was actively losing weight, I cheated more than I should have, but less than what effected me.  I would have reached goal in those first eight months had I stuck to my plan 100%.  But there were just too many days I couldn't.  Too many fast food runs, celebrations, invites out for one reason or another.  Situations where I cannot seem to make smart decisions for myself.  Boy do we all celebrate with food too!  Birthdays, holidays, any sort of get together.  Food.

Now, back to the enabling situation.  Yesterday Nick mentioned IHOP sounded good.  I had already been thinking about hashbrowns.  Which, on a low carb diet are contraband.  With both proceeded to look up coupons.  Once one was located we went.  Without question or thought, we went.  We used to go all the time when I was 230 pounds.  It's nice to go out to eat.  To have someone else cook, but I was also 230 pounds and obese.

Then, later, I hadn't even thought about dinner.  Being on low carb I almost always eat something different than everyone else.  So many family dishes that I know how to cook are full of carbs.  I'm a horrible cook too, by the way, and low carb options are few and far between on a budget.  So I mentioned that what I really wanted was pizza and pie.

Well, we sat around for awhile after that and Nick had to get gas and we go to Sam's Club for that because of the discount.  "Does Sam's have pizza?" Nick asks.  So I look it up, they do.  Of course.

He came home with a ginormous pizza and an equally large apple pie.  He says "with great power, comes great responsibility".  I think this entire past year proves I am horribly irresponsible when it comes to my eating habits.

I ate six squares of pizza (it was so large it had to be cut into squares), and two larger pieces of pie. 

After that I had told myself in my head that tomorrow (which is now today) I would get back on track and fully commit to myself.

But that pie was in the fridge this morning.  So I had a piece.  It was so good, in fact, that I had another.

I cut a piece out for Nick, stuck it in a tupperware, and am seriously considering throwing the rest out, though Nick thought we could freeze the rest of it.  But if we freeze it, it's still there for me to eat again someday.  Because I can't stay out of it.  Because it's apple pie and it's one of my favorites and it's quite delicious and sounds way better than eggs or baked chicken for the 1,000th time.

Instead of asking me "Does Sam's have pizza?"  I really, really wish he would have said "Yeah, it does sound good, but it doesn't get you closer to your goals."

That's the ideal answer.  It's not about commenting on how much I've ate when I eat it.  No, that makes me pissed off, but when I bring up bad food, saying "But it doesn't help you reach your goals" is such a helpful way to make me really, really think about it.  The next step after that, even if I say I don't care, would be saying "yes you do", and then NOT GOING TO GO GET ME FOOD!

Why am I sharing this publicly?  Because our conversations in the past seem not to help, and I am back up to 189.8 after having reached 177.6 just after my birthday.  So in less than a month I have gained back 12.2 pounds keeping me in the 180's doing the same dance I've done for the past YEAR.  How many times have I lost these same 12 pounds over and over again this past year I cannot even tell you.

All I know, is that I need more long-term support at home.  I can't do this alone.  I thought Beachbody would help but it was an added stressor.  Add on that we have a special function to go to on September 10th and I am already dreading it because I know I will be presented with food choices that aren't in line with my goals.  It makes me anxious to be honest.  I worry about following plan at functions because I worry people will comment and to be honest, it makes me uncomfortable to think people watch my food.  "Did you have enough?"  "Do you want more?"  All questions that give me anxiety because you don't want to be rude or seem like you're not eating, but so often options in line with low-carb aren't available and I hate drawing attention to myself.  Like, being in the spotlight makes me really uncomfortable.

But I just want to be healthy.  I am still overweight, I want to FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, step on the scale and be in the "normal" weight range.  I haven't been a normal weight since at least junior high.  I want to know what that looks like.  I want to know what it's like to have an occasion to go to and not be worried about what I'll look like when I have to sit down.

But I need help to reach my goals.  I need not to be presented with options that go against my low carb plan.  YES, I have tried this past year to switch it up and do another plan that was not low-carb and that was also a cheat fest and I did not lose weight.  So please, please, don't suggest that to me because yes, I tried it, and no, it did not work.

As an end note, if a family member has goals, whatever they may be, don't enable their bad habits that prevent them from reaching them.  It may seem helpful in the moment but in the long run you are doing nothing but damaging them.