I No Longer Believe I Can Do It

I am really lost and depressed at this point in time.

I no longer believe I can lose any more weight, in fact all I see in my future is weight gain.

Nick once again proved to me the other night that he doesn't listen to me when I discuss my issues with weight loss with him when I told him I really shouldn't be eating the rice and he said "It's just portion control"

I thought I had made it blindingly clear that I have a food addiction because I actually eat food because it tastes good.  Not because I am hungry.  It's not even a "I'm hungry, and I want to eat Food A rather than Food B, because Food A tastes better"  No.  It's "I am bored and what can I eat that tastes good?"

My gut has expanded.  I weighed in at 195 today, this is one pound under obese for me.  I am terribly depressed.

I cannot seem to control my eating and in fact right now all I want is some chocolate and a subway sandwich.  Maybe some french fries.

I feel as if nobody cares if I lose weight.  I don't think anyone would care if I gained it all back.  I feel like, I'd probably just prove to people what they likely were thinking all along, that I couldn't do it.

I feel alone in this journey.

I feel pretty helpless at this point.

In fact, before I got pregnant with Lilly, I had been stuck at 203-207 for a very very long time, and I am feeling just about like I was then.  I gave up when I got pregnant.

I've pretty much given up on eating in a manner that will help me continue this journey.

I do not like low carb, nor have I ever.  I am tired of eggs and chicken.  My plan did not allow much red meat or fatty meat (like bacon) and the salt does effect me.

I attempted 21 Day Fix meal plan but also did not lose weight.  I ended up eating a few extra cups of things because the booklet said I could and I always chose the things like the frozen waffles.

Peanut butter has become a trigger and I in fact melted butter, peanut butter, and dark chocolate chips in a bowl the other day and ate it.

Then I threw out the peanut butter and chocolate chips.

I need someone to hold my hand through this journey and I hate it but I know I need it because I am not enough for myself and if nobody is monitoring me it doesn't work.  But it has to be someone that I feel would be disappointed in me or that I would be embarrassed to have gained or maintained at my weigh in.

I attempted a while ago to have Nick weigh me every week but it was me who had to remind him and on the weeks where I didn't take care of it, well, I didn't remind him and I just dropped it.  In fact, I don't think he cares if I gain weight to be honest.  I almost feel like he would rather I not loose any more weight.

But I am overweight.  I lost 60 pounds and I am still overweight and in fact, I am AT THE TOP of the Overweight scale.

I want to be comfortable in my body.  I have never felt happy with how I look.  I have never been comfortable in clothing in front of others, I feel my stomach roll protrude over my waist band and I try to sit with my arms around it.  I despise pictures because I still have a double chin, large arms with hanging bat wings, and my legs are pretty chunky still.  Pictures make it look worse and remind me exactly what I know: I HATE HOW I LOOK.

I will always hate how I look.  This is how I feel.  I feel like I will never be a normal sized human being.  That I will never be able to look in the mirror and enjoy my appearance.  That I will never put on a piece of clothing and be happy with how it fits.

That life, for me, right now, it seems like it will never happen.  That it is not for me.

It may be a pitty party for one, but that is my mental state, and that is what I want to share because it is the truth.

Feeling Like I Don't Have a Plan or Purpose

The past few days since I've ended my attempt at being a Beachbody coach have left me a bit depressed.  I wanted to help people lose weight, get healthy, be happy, and make money doing it.

Not having any income to call my own really bothers me.  Being on as tight of a budget at we are really bothers me.  We definitely are doing better than many people but there are things I wish I could help with or think less about, such as updating my wardrobe or sticking so close to the grocery budget.

Prior to becoming a Beachbody coach I looked into starting a Home Kitchen Operation making baked goods.  Because I do love baking and decorating cakes and cookies.  However, due to Illinois law and the county and city our home resides in I am unable to do so.  I would have to work with the City of Aurora to add in an amendment to their municipal code and they don't even address this particular law because they use the county health department but the county refuses to address individual cities for the home kitchen law.  I could sell at Farmers Markets but with the cost for a booth and Nick in school it wasn't an option.  I'd have to take Lilly and we all know how well that would go!

I currently am still a licensed massage therapist but my license is up at the end of the year.  I am choosing not to renew it.  The continuing education courses are costly and most therapists get paid per massage, which is difficult for me because my body doesn't seem to like doing more than four a day.  Working in a chiropractic office was great to compensate for this but the hours were not.  Split shifts every day, basically gone for 12 hours a day because of it.  With Nick in school being gone eleven hours a day himself for work and sometimes more with school finding a daycare provider for those hours was out of the question.  Among other things.

Due to his current school schedule and study needs getting a retail job on weekends is also out of the question.  Lilly demands attention and engagement and he would not be able to study while I was at work.  Working on weekends and holidays would also limit family time greatly.

I want to help provide financially for my family.  I don't expect a disposable income, but I would like to worry less about buying things I may want for myself and my family.

I am good at crafting but not great in any special area.  I like to sew and have always wanted to know how to actually construct my own patterns so I was thinking of taking a class or two, just for fun so I could create better costume pieces and came across a local community colleges Fashion certificate program and was kind of interested.  It had basics on sewing, draping, and pattern drafting, as well as couture techniques among many other useful sewing skills.  I am a hands on learner and youtube doesn't always help me.

But once again, like the home kitchen operations, Illinois sort of screwed me over.  They have community college districts and if you aren't in a particular district you have to pay out-of-district fees.  $152 per credit hour for in-district compared to $360 something out-of-district.  HUGE cost difference.  Do you want to know where the district line is?  The train tracks behind our town home.  We are on the wrong side of those tracks.  The district we are in, does not offer a similar Fashion program.

It's like the Home Kitchen Operations disappointment all over again, because you see, if I lived in the city next to us, I could bake and sell cakes and cookies from my kitchen.  Wanna know where that line is?  The train tracks south of her and a bit to the east.  Right on the line of both.  It feels like I'm cheated.

I want to be so much more than just Lilly's mom.  I want to have purpose.  I don't have friends I hang out with.  Likely even if I had friends who did want to hang out with me, I wouldn't be able to go because of budget and Lilly and Nick's schedule.

I hate that I am almost 31 and still have no life plan.  I feel like a failure in this aspect.  No career track.  Many things prevented me from getting a real college degree and I kick myself every day for not doing so.  Even if it meant working a job I hated at least I'd have a decent income to help provide for my family so Nick wasn't carrying all the financial burden.

So that is where I am at. I feel like I have no plan or purpose to my life past taking care of my daughter and pretending to take care of the house (because dishes and laundry routinely pile up). I am eating according to my low carb plan so that is good.  Terrified it isn't working since I put the scale up but I'm trying to trust the process.