I No Longer Believe I Can Do It

I am really lost and depressed at this point in time.

I no longer believe I can lose any more weight, in fact all I see in my future is weight gain.

Nick once again proved to me the other night that he doesn't listen to me when I discuss my issues with weight loss with him when I told him I really shouldn't be eating the rice and he said "It's just portion control"

I thought I had made it blindingly clear that I have a food addiction because I actually eat food because it tastes good.  Not because I am hungry.  It's not even a "I'm hungry, and I want to eat Food A rather than Food B, because Food A tastes better"  No.  It's "I am bored and what can I eat that tastes good?"

My gut has expanded.  I weighed in at 195 today, this is one pound under obese for me.  I am terribly depressed.

I cannot seem to control my eating and in fact right now all I want is some chocolate and a subway sandwich.  Maybe some french fries.

I feel as if nobody cares if I lose weight.  I don't think anyone would care if I gained it all back.  I feel like, I'd probably just prove to people what they likely were thinking all along, that I couldn't do it.

I feel alone in this journey.

I feel pretty helpless at this point.

In fact, before I got pregnant with Lilly, I had been stuck at 203-207 for a very very long time, and I am feeling just about like I was then.  I gave up when I got pregnant.

I've pretty much given up on eating in a manner that will help me continue this journey.

I do not like low carb, nor have I ever.  I am tired of eggs and chicken.  My plan did not allow much red meat or fatty meat (like bacon) and the salt does effect me.

I attempted 21 Day Fix meal plan but also did not lose weight.  I ended up eating a few extra cups of things because the booklet said I could and I always chose the things like the frozen waffles.

Peanut butter has become a trigger and I in fact melted butter, peanut butter, and dark chocolate chips in a bowl the other day and ate it.

Then I threw out the peanut butter and chocolate chips.

I need someone to hold my hand through this journey and I hate it but I know I need it because I am not enough for myself and if nobody is monitoring me it doesn't work.  But it has to be someone that I feel would be disappointed in me or that I would be embarrassed to have gained or maintained at my weigh in.

I attempted a while ago to have Nick weigh me every week but it was me who had to remind him and on the weeks where I didn't take care of it, well, I didn't remind him and I just dropped it.  In fact, I don't think he cares if I gain weight to be honest.  I almost feel like he would rather I not loose any more weight.

But I am overweight.  I lost 60 pounds and I am still overweight and in fact, I am AT THE TOP of the Overweight scale.

I want to be comfortable in my body.  I have never felt happy with how I look.  I have never been comfortable in clothing in front of others, I feel my stomach roll protrude over my waist band and I try to sit with my arms around it.  I despise pictures because I still have a double chin, large arms with hanging bat wings, and my legs are pretty chunky still.  Pictures make it look worse and remind me exactly what I know: I HATE HOW I LOOK.

I will always hate how I look.  This is how I feel.  I feel like I will never be a normal sized human being.  That I will never be able to look in the mirror and enjoy my appearance.  That I will never put on a piece of clothing and be happy with how it fits.

That life, for me, right now, it seems like it will never happen.  That it is not for me.

It may be a pitty party for one, but that is my mental state, and that is what I want to share because it is the truth.

Definition of Insanity

There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

So, here I am, at a year of trying to get back on track with low carb and going from 177 to 190 over and over and over.  So, why am I still trying to do low carb?

Good question.

I am so over it.

I also am over calorie counting and Weight Watchers (can we talk about how their business plan relies on people gaining the weight back?)

Anyway, with my increased love and interest in anime and similar things, and Nick's love of sushi and desire to eat a good bowl of ramen, I've decided to try something totally different.

Actually eating good food and not counting calories or points or carbs or whatever.

Now, I've somewhat planned out meals, and will still be doing a lower carb, but I am tired of not cooking or having meals with my family.  When I do low carb I don't cook leaving Nick and Lilly out in the cold more or less.  Or I do really basic stuff.

Today, I bought some cool stuff:

A ricer cooker, a ramen and udon cookbook, a sushi mat, and Lilly got some training chopsticks that match her trademark pig tails!  Seriously, how cute are those?

My plan moving forward, now that I am finally getting better after being sick, is to eat eggs or similar for breakfast, have a low carb turkey wrap for lunch, and various chicken dinners with rice or veggies.  Snacks will be fruit or carrots with some ranch.  I'm going to get rid of my diet soda habit.

Did I ever mention I have a really bad diet soda habit?  It's bad.  I know it's not good for me, and it's bad.

I want to eat cleaner without being 100% clean, eat more regular type meals, eat with my family, provide Lilly with better examples of a healthy relationship with food.

On top of that, I plan on practicing my ninjutsu for 30 minutes every day.  This will include bokken, and studying from my guidebook.  I also will exercise, sticking with my chart I made just before I got sick.  Maybe changing it up a bit.

I will not weigh myself obsessively but focus on the fit of my clothes.  I won't try and throw the scale out but I will try and not use it all the time and work on not focusing on the number near as much as I do.

I want to improve my planks (which I have gotten up to 50 seconds!  WOW!) and work on balance, push ups, and endurance.

I can't make promises to myself or this blog.  I almost never make my goals.  They also make me obsessed, I want to live a normal healthy life without worrying about food and exercise.  I want it to be a normal, every day thing.  Something I don't have to think about, but habit.

I have a very bad relationship with food, that has only gotten worse this past year due.  I want to change that.

I am going to do my best and see what happens.

Day One

Yesterday was Day One of my 57 days on track to November 23rd.

It is a re-commitment to myself to see my weight loss journey through to the end.  While I haven't lost any weight this last year, it was a definite learning experience.  Old habits die hard, and one cheat weekend away can send me out of my low carb mentality and straight to junk food city.

I battled scale obsession, stepping on the scale nearly every time I went into the bathroom.  I even tried to remove the scale to no success.

I tried and failed at being a Beachbody Coach, hoping to not only help myself and others.

I learned I can handle some pretty intense workouts with a little bit of modification (HELLO INSANITY!)

I also learned I can maintain my weight with thought.

So that said, I had enough of the up and down of the same 12 pounds and have committed to focusing on getting back on track with low carb eating (that has been the only thing that has worked for me).

I decided after we had Taco Fresco the other night that I would not eat out again until November 23rd (which is when we go get family photos, and right before Thanksgiving).

I wrote it down on my kitchen white board and then decided that I would also commit to 100% low carb.

Then, I wrote a quick blog about it.

Then I decided I would not weigh myself until October 23rd, and then again on November 23rd.  I emptied the batteries out of my scale, and put the batteries and scale in two different places.

I made a list of low carb foods since I have lost the one from my doctor.

I took my notebook and input every date until then, and marked them Days 1 - 57.  I lamented that it wasn't quite 60 days, but Thanksgiving...seriously.  Pumpkin Pie people.

Then I started.

I did fairly well yesterday.  I made sure I woke up, drank a 16 oz glass of water right away.  I did a sort of sad workout that consisted of a warm-up of jogging, some jumping jacks, but then I practiced with my bokken (wooden katana sword for practice) and some of my other ninjutsu techniques I am learning.  I think the class will be very positive for me mentally and physically.  I have worked out but never had set goals in mind with where I wanted to be and the Aiki Ninjutsu is giving me a picture of that.  I want to be quicker, and more flexible.  I want a better mind-body connection so that I move less clumsily.  I want to be able to do a damn push-up.

So I also added on a 25 second plank (it was as long as I could do), three good form sit-ups (sad, I know), and a very very sad attempt at a real push-up, and some very sad attempts at knee push ups.  My core isn't very strong so it makes it hard for me to lower myself, hence the planks.

While not a super intense workout, I am reaching for goals that are practical for what I am studying, and that means I am more likely to continue because I am one of those people that does things for others.  While I want to be fit and lose weight it has never been enough to do it for myself or do it for any reason that is not observed.  It has not been motivation enough, but improving my fitness and skills so that my instructor and fellow classmates can see I am improving is motivation.  Ridiculous at 31, I know.

Anyway, after all that, my food went pretty well for the day, and I finished at 53 carbs.  That's three carbs over my max of 50, but for a first day back, I consider that pretty good.

I also went on a walk and then took Lilly on a bike ride.

It was a good first day.

I am hoping to update here every day.  I left space in my notebook to write my water and food on the front of the page and a journal on the back of the page.  I have to commit to spending the time on it which is difficult with a demanding toddler around so I am sure I will miss logging some days on here, but I will definitely be keeping up with it and re-capping each day, even if some posts have two or three days in them.

Remember: I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.

I Live With an Enabler

Enabler: a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another.

"he criticized her role as an enabler in her husband's pathological womanizing"

I live with an enabler.  He is my husband.

For the past year, I have maintained about a sixty pound weight loss.  "AMAZING!" you may say, but considering I am still overweight, and have about thirty more pounds to lose, and have been actively attempting weight loss for this past year, it's not so amazing in the end.

Now, it is not at all Nick's responsibility to get me to reach my goals.  I fully recognize that.  But there are behaviors that hinder me reaching my goals.

First, I want to be clear that I have a problem.  When presented with two options, one being on my low carb food plan and two being tasty and NOT on my food plan, I will choose number two without hesitation or thought.

For Nick, he doesn't quite understand this.  He's one of those people that all he has to do is decide he's going to do something for set amount of time and he does it.  It is not difficult for him to stay on track with whatever goal it may be, he does it.  Because he said he would.

For me it is much different.  I struggle.  Greatly.  It is an every day battle to fight towards my goals.  It is a mental push and some days the other side wins.  I need all the help I can get.

Nick has often asked me what he can do to help me.  I have told him over and over and over: DO NOT BUY ME FAST FOOD OR JUNK FOOD.  I will do whatever it takes to get it.  

This is not a lie.  I will mention it a billion times about how it sounds good, until he goes and gets it.  I will promise I won't get mad at him later for it.

But I have told him I will try all these these, and I have told him I do not want him to do these things, that he can go get food himself but please, please DO NOT ASK ME IF I WANT ANYTHING!  Because I will say "YES!" when it does nothing to help me reach my goals because in that moment all I am thinking about is food and how it tastes.

He once expressed that he felt bad if he went out for food himself, and didn't get me anything.  Like I was missing out on something.  We discussed it.  Yeah, I may feel like I am missing out at the time, and I could potentially be grumpy, but I can be grumpy because I missed out on some food or completely unhappy with how I look in the mirror because I ate it.

I wish I could be like him.  Set my mind to it and just do it.  Get it over with.  I wish with all my heart.  It would take pressure off me and off him, but that is not how I am.

I wish this was a simple plateau, but it's not.  It's me not controlling my eating.  Me losing that ability.  I've never 100% had that ability even when I was actively losing weight, I cheated more than I should have, but less than what effected me.  I would have reached goal in those first eight months had I stuck to my plan 100%.  But there were just too many days I couldn't.  Too many fast food runs, celebrations, invites out for one reason or another.  Situations where I cannot seem to make smart decisions for myself.  Boy do we all celebrate with food too!  Birthdays, holidays, any sort of get together.  Food.

Now, back to the enabling situation.  Yesterday Nick mentioned IHOP sounded good.  I had already been thinking about hashbrowns.  Which, on a low carb diet are contraband.  With both proceeded to look up coupons.  Once one was located we went.  Without question or thought, we went.  We used to go all the time when I was 230 pounds.  It's nice to go out to eat.  To have someone else cook, but I was also 230 pounds and obese.

Then, later, I hadn't even thought about dinner.  Being on low carb I almost always eat something different than everyone else.  So many family dishes that I know how to cook are full of carbs.  I'm a horrible cook too, by the way, and low carb options are few and far between on a budget.  So I mentioned that what I really wanted was pizza and pie.

Well, we sat around for awhile after that and Nick had to get gas and we go to Sam's Club for that because of the discount.  "Does Sam's have pizza?" Nick asks.  So I look it up, they do.  Of course.

He came home with a ginormous pizza and an equally large apple pie.  He says "with great power, comes great responsibility".  I think this entire past year proves I am horribly irresponsible when it comes to my eating habits.

I ate six squares of pizza (it was so large it had to be cut into squares), and two larger pieces of pie. 

After that I had told myself in my head that tomorrow (which is now today) I would get back on track and fully commit to myself.

But that pie was in the fridge this morning.  So I had a piece.  It was so good, in fact, that I had another.

I cut a piece out for Nick, stuck it in a tupperware, and am seriously considering throwing the rest out, though Nick thought we could freeze the rest of it.  But if we freeze it, it's still there for me to eat again someday.  Because I can't stay out of it.  Because it's apple pie and it's one of my favorites and it's quite delicious and sounds way better than eggs or baked chicken for the 1,000th time.

Instead of asking me "Does Sam's have pizza?"  I really, really wish he would have said "Yeah, it does sound good, but it doesn't get you closer to your goals."

That's the ideal answer.  It's not about commenting on how much I've ate when I eat it.  No, that makes me pissed off, but when I bring up bad food, saying "But it doesn't help you reach your goals" is such a helpful way to make me really, really think about it.  The next step after that, even if I say I don't care, would be saying "yes you do", and then NOT GOING TO GO GET ME FOOD!

Why am I sharing this publicly?  Because our conversations in the past seem not to help, and I am back up to 189.8 after having reached 177.6 just after my birthday.  So in less than a month I have gained back 12.2 pounds keeping me in the 180's doing the same dance I've done for the past YEAR.  How many times have I lost these same 12 pounds over and over again this past year I cannot even tell you.

All I know, is that I need more long-term support at home.  I can't do this alone.  I thought Beachbody would help but it was an added stressor.  Add on that we have a special function to go to on September 10th and I am already dreading it because I know I will be presented with food choices that aren't in line with my goals.  It makes me anxious to be honest.  I worry about following plan at functions because I worry people will comment and to be honest, it makes me uncomfortable to think people watch my food.  "Did you have enough?"  "Do you want more?"  All questions that give me anxiety because you don't want to be rude or seem like you're not eating, but so often options in line with low-carb aren't available and I hate drawing attention to myself.  Like, being in the spotlight makes me really uncomfortable.

But I just want to be healthy.  I am still overweight, I want to FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, step on the scale and be in the "normal" weight range.  I haven't been a normal weight since at least junior high.  I want to know what that looks like.  I want to know what it's like to have an occasion to go to and not be worried about what I'll look like when I have to sit down.

But I need help to reach my goals.  I need not to be presented with options that go against my low carb plan.  YES, I have tried this past year to switch it up and do another plan that was not low-carb and that was also a cheat fest and I did not lose weight.  So please, please, don't suggest that to me because yes, I tried it, and no, it did not work.

As an end note, if a family member has goals, whatever they may be, don't enable their bad habits that prevent them from reaching them.  It may seem helpful in the moment but in the long run you are doing nothing but damaging them.