One Scale To Rule Them All and in the Darkness Bind Them!

Seriously.  Let's talk about the evil scale.

Last year, I threw my old scale out.  It was driving me crazy because it was all over the place as far as accuracy.  But then, after my wisdom tooth removal and getting off track with my eating I freaked out and went and bought a new one.

I've tried to get rid of it a few times, or well, put it in another room and forget it, but it kept coming back.

Last night I took the batteries out, threw them away, and put the scale up.

I had seriously forgotten one of the major reasons I had started this journey in the first place: HEALTH.  That's right.  My health.  Now, at 242 pounds that scale number was rather important to my health.  At 180-something not so much.  I am still overweight by all basic standards but after so long trying to reach a healthy weight I had become obsessed with the scale and was using it to determine all progress.  It just doesn't work that way when you're building muscle and whatnot!  Add on the fact that women can gain 5-10 pounds during their period, it really isn't the best tool to use.

Neither, for me, is the tape measure.  Because I can bloat and I can bloat bad.  Usually induced by carbs I can see two inches of bloat on my stomach.  I can feel when I am, I can see when I am, but sometimes I still crack that tape measure out to see.  Then I get depressed.

Now, this won't happen to everyone.  I am someone who has lived my entire life pretty much not liking what I see in the mirror.  That's right.  Even now I look in the mirror and I fail to like my body.  I've never known what it is like to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.  Even on my wedding day I looked into the mirror with disappointment.  I was pregnant and had gained weight and my dress didn't fit at all like I wanted it to.  When I look at pictures from my wedding that is about all that I see.  

So, of course with those issues which I am sure many women and men have, the scale and the tape measure aren't really my friends.

I needed to take a step back, remember my daughter, who will be watching my every move, and put the scale up.  I was stepping on it several times a day.  I became way too familiar with how my weight could and would fluctuate and it started creeping into my eating habits.  As in, I was become afraid to eat.

This, my friends, is how eating disorders are developed I'm pretty sure.  So I'm stopping myself before it gets out of control and I will focus on getting back to low carb which has worked for me when other food plans haven't, and tracking what I eat and working out to get strong.

Because I tell Lilly I am working out to get strong and when I put on my exercise clothes she says "Mama exercise, mama get strong" and I want her to keep that in her head.  That exercise is for getting strong, not losing weight.  I don't want her thinking I hate my body, and developing those same hateful thoughts.  It's why I teach her "we love our tummies" even when I don't love mine.  I will fake it until I make it because I'll be damned if she grows up with my insecurities.

So, back to the basics.  Low carb for more than a few days, tracking what I eat, and hopefully just seeing the changes through pictures.  Eventually I'll pull the scale back out, but for now, the important part is stress free progress.

A Little Catch Up

I know it's been awhile since I've posted but I've really wanted to have something to write about and I just haven't had much.

I saw no weight loss on my June 30th weigh in, but that's okay after a larger week previously (it was 3.8 or something the week before).  My husband and I didn't have anywhere to go for the 4th of July weekend so the worst I managed to eat was some taco pizza on the 3rd.

My birthday is July 21st and Beachbody extended the sale of 21 Day Fix through July so I started a new round on the 1st.  21 Days until my birthday, trying to get into the 170's, I figured it only made sense.

That leads into my goals for the month.  I'm really trying to get back my serious focus because I'm tried of being in the 180's.  The only person who can help me do that is me!  My goal is to be 179 by my birthday and if I'm lucky 174 at the end of the month!  174 would be my smallest high school weight that I know of.  I was 174 my sophomore year.  Once I hit that goal, my journey is 100% fresh and new.  I won't have any idea what my body will look like after that point.

On the exercise front, I ran my first 5K!  It was NOT a race.  I decided to go for a run when I was feeling anxious and after a bit I decided to see how far I could go, and ended up pushing myself to do the 3.1 miles.  My average pace was 12:03 so not fast by any means but an accomplishment all the same.

So that is about where I am.  Five days of 21 Day Fix down, counting down to my birthday, and hoping to be rid of the 180's for good!

Run Shannah, Run!

The past month or so I've been feeling blah and stressed.  Lilly still doesn't sleep through the night and with two plus years of that going on, with me being the primary one getting up so my husband can function at work and school, it's taking it's toll.  Add on her newfound temperamental attitude and at the end of the day I'm just mentally tapped out.

Now, since last June I have been actively exercising on a regular basis but I have mostly only done Beachbody workouts from home.  Lilly and I walk anywhere from 1-3 miles when it's nice out and she wants to stay in the stroller (which isn't much anymore but last summer was wonderful) but it is no longer a daily thing like last year.

Last night, after the kids were put in bed, I decided I wanted to run.  I've never been a runner.  I have ankle and knee issues and the last time I ran outside was during high school gym class when we were forced to run the mile and I remember those four laps around the football field feeling like torture.  I know I walked most of the time.

I had two goals in mind: Run the whole time and keep a steady pace.  I accomplished that.

It was strangely nice to get outside, to see the path pass before me as the sun was starting to sink lower into the sky.  I was able to get most everything out of my mind and simply focus on the task of running and breathing (which I need to work on).

11:05.

Not the best time in the whole world but my standard cardio is totally different than running so I'll take it as a pretty great starting point.  Sixteen months ago I couldn't walk a mile without a good amount of pain and feeling out of breath.  It's amazing how much one can change over a small amount of time and while I may not be where I want to be this was a really good opportunity to realize how far I have come.

Sometimes after losing so much weight and working at it for what seems like forever, when you're not where you want to be you lose sight of where you once were.  Of how far you've come.  Truth be told sometimes I look in the mirror and still see my 246 pound self.  I have to compare photos side by side to see the change.  To realize that at one time I was much larger.

I am looking forward to trying to improve my run time, and losing these last 30 pounds.  Where I'll go from there I'm not certain.  I've never been under 174 that I can remember.  174 was my high school sophomore year weight.  So, it's been a tremendously long time.  I know when I graduated high school I was likely in the 190's or at 200.  I have no idea what I will look like when I'm done.  None.  It's a little scary.  But I know I will be faster and stronger and healthier than I have ever been before.

When Holding Yourself Accountable Isn't Enough

They say to lose weight you can't do it for someone else, you have to do it for yourself.

To an extent I believe this.  On the other hand...I've never been enough for myself.

My initial journey started because I have a daughter.  She will not struggle with body imagine her whole life like I have and I need to start that young and it starts with being healthy.

My early found success was because I frequently saw my doctor and I knew he would know I wasn't following his plan if I wasn't losing weight.  If you follow the plan, you will lose weight.  If you follow the plan.

So I followed it because I wasn't about to pay him and walk in there not having lost any weight.  It would be embarrassing.

However as time progressed and I saw him less and less because I was doing so well I started to slip more and more.

Which has led me to my current state.  It's all food.  It's 100% all food.  That is where my issue lies.

I am 100% disappointed in myself for being the same since October.  It's unacceptable.  I workout, I'm a Beachbody coach, I really should be staying on track.  But I'm not, because there is nobody there to keep track of me.

So, in an effort to get at it I have pushed my goal back to October 26th (my anniversary) and I am having my husband weigh me every single Sunday night.  He'll know if I've been true to my word or not and all I have to do to reach my goal is two pounds per week.

I know I can do this.  I know it.  I've done it before and I seriously have so little left to lose comparatively.

What are your GOALS and what are you doing to make certain you reach them?

Slacking Off is Never Worth It

Yesterday I took a me day.  I've been in a bit of a funk so I went and bought hair dye, dyed my hair, painted my toes, and tried out an eye make-up tutorial because at nearly 31 I still don't know how to apply make-up but I like how it looks.

Except it wasn't a 100% me day because I failed to workout and I failed to do my plank challenge.  I also made these rather delicious wonton wrapper apple pie things and ate them with vanilla carbsmart.  The ice cream was compliant of my current plan.  The delicious wonton apple pies were not.  No biggie if I had been sticking to plan for the majority of late but I had not been.  

I will make those apple pie wontons again though.  Oh yes, just in the future.

This morning I added a few new info pages to the blog in between trying to potty-train Lilly.  If you take a look at the side bar you'll see Favorite Low Carb Products Products and a Beachbody Info tab! I also updated my contact info so you an reach me.

I wanted to start fresh today because following the workout schedule for 21 Day Fix doesn't help if I don't eat right so I made my Shakeology first thing and made sure to fill up a big glass of water.  Totally worth it because I felt so much better afterwards and I really have felt gross the past couple of days due to some of my food choices.

Nap-time rolled around for Lilly so I did what I didn't want to but had to do: Doubled up on workouts AND planks.

Yuck.

I lived through it.

I feel pretty good now.

It was Lower Fix and Pilates Fix and I had two 20 second planks to do.  My core is super weak which is why I am doing the plank challenge.  It's a 30 Day Challenge a friend of mine is running and it started with 15 seconds and is supposed to end with 60.  I need to do it every day so that I actually improve because doubling up isn't as productive muscle wise.

So Days 3 & 4/21 Done.  Just sixteen more to go.

Since I've been having such a difficult time staying on track I decided to take a look back to when I first started attempting to lose weight to see what I may have changed since then and figure out why I did so incredibly well the first few months.  Looking back, that first month I saw my doctor every week, followed by two months of every two weeks.  This held me accountable.  I knew my doctor would know if I was lying about what I was eating if I wasn't losing weight so I stuck to my plan nearly 100%.  Now that I don't see him anymore (by choice, I was going once every two months and it just wasn't helping me anymore) I don't have that fear of embarrassment.

But taking it one week at a time sounds like a good plan so up until July 21st I have marked weeks in my food journal (kept track by Day 1-7) and I'm going to be taking it one day at a time, one week at a time.  After so many months of weight loss I was just looking at too much of the picture to reach the end successfully.  I have about 30 pounds or so left to go (I think, my smallest weight in high school was 174 so I honestly can't tell you what I'll look at smaller and I could change my mind), and since I've already lost 60 that really should not be an issue.

If I stay on here any longer I'll only ramble more and the beast-est (a.k.a my daughter Lilly) has awakened from her nap.

About Ready To Throw Out the Scale Again...

I have a love hate relationship with my scale.  I step on it way too much often but often times when I don't have it I don't pay attention to my eating and my weight goes up.

But if I'm doing everything right and I say bloat due to that time of the month or one day of carbs, I get a little loose because what's one more day of carbs and then it goes up.

And thus, this has been my life since October.  This is why I am stuck in the upper 180's or lower 190's.  I love food, I love it a little too much.  I did well most of the day until dinner and I made a dessert that I shouldn't even have bought the items to make.  It was delicious, but really.  I regret it now.  I almost feel like I need to put "You will regret it" on just about every kitchen cabinet and surface possible.

I have goals.  I want to get to 155.  It's so close and quite honestly if I had just cracked down on myself for a few months I'd totally be there by now.  But I've been pretty relaxed with myself.  I've gotten comfortable.  Too comfortable.  I no longer see my doctor so the only one holding myself accountable is me.  My husband certainly doesn't, and that's okay, that's not really his job.

I have stopped caring about what others think of my progress.  I am still overweight but no longer obese and in a normal dress size so I don't feel as uncomfortable around others who are healthier than me.  It's funny how being uncomfortable can make you do things.  Now that I'm not feeling like crap about my appearance I'm not making progress.  Yes, I want to be healthy, I want to get rid of my stupid protruding stomach, but it's not 100% pressing.  Ya get me?

I gotta get my butt in gear.  I've been stuck at a weight before and I got super frustrated and then got pregnant and got up to 256.  I do not want to ever be there again.  It's not an option.

So, that leads me back to the scale.  The way I weigh the way I eat around what I weigh.  Last year I threw it out.  I did well for awhile and then freaked out and bought a new one after I had my wisdom teeth out.  I'm thinking about getting rid of it.  I've tried hiding it in the house but I just go and get it back out.  I need to focus on my food and the way I look and feel but I am so very dependent on the scale I'm quite afraid to get rid of it again.

What if I do so and I end up eating whatever I want?

This is my fear.

When You Just Don't Feel Like It....

You have to do it anyway.

I have felt like crap today.  My stomach is bloated and sticking out all the way to the next state.  The little monster slept better last night but had problems in the early morning so once again I turned off my 5:30 am alarm.  It happens.

I started working on a logo for the blog last night and this morning I wanted to finish it and follow up on some Beachbody connections.  Then we had to go to the store for day time and night time pull-ups even though Lilly has decided to become a nudist at the ripe old age of two.

She fell asleep in the car on the way home and I was lucky enough to be able to transfer her to her bed so I put on my workout clothes.

Then I sat for an hour.

I kept looking at the clock, thinking to myself "I should really workout".  I got my butt up and turned on BOD (Beachbody on Demand) and pressed the dang play button on Upper Fix and do you know what crazy thing I did after that?  I tried like 7 minutes of the preview of 22 Minute Harcorps because #killing it.  Ha ha.  Okay, maybe not killing it, but I wanted to do more because Upper Fix is all weights no cardio and I always feel like I need to do some extra.

The truth is, when you don't feel like it, you have to make yourself do it if you want to see results.  I love how I feel after I workout (my gut feels quite a bit better by the way, go figure) but I'm not one of those people that will ever tell you that I just LOVE to workout.  I like to go on walks...

There are days where it will be effortless to get up and workout and days where you are this close to not doing it.  There will probably be days when you don't do it.  But that's okay.  We are human and we are works in progress.  Just make sure you do more than you don't.

So I'm glad I did what I had to do.  Day 2/21 done.  Nineteen left to go.

Without further aideu, here is my new logo.  Concept and drawing by me, which is probably why it's not super professional looking.  But I like her.

My Love of Cake

If you know me, you know about my love of cake.  I love to bake cakes, I love to decorate cakes, and I love to eat cakes.

I also love food.  I love to eat food even when I am not hungry because it tastes good.

This led to me reaching 256 pounds after my daughter was born.  It was not baby weight it was "I'm going to eat whatever I want" weight.  I had heartburn every night.  I couldn't even go on a walk with my husband and daughter without huffing and puffing and cursing inside my head.  I took up a lot of space and I was miserable other than being a busy new mom.

It took finally having enough to go to my doctor, get some blood work done, and get on an eating plan.  This worked great for a good while.  I lost 60+ pounds (I currently fluctuate in the 180's).

I still have about 30 pounds to go.  That's okay.

I'm good with working out on a regular basis.  I have found some awesome workouts I love to do (21 Day Fix, Cize, and Insanity being a few).  But food.  Oooh, glorious food.  And cake.

I have been struggling.  But that's okay.

I am back on track, and I will get rid of this last 30 pounds!