Have Your Cake! Or brownie...

I haven't done ANY cake decorating posts on this page.  I've had to stay away from baking almost anything because I have no self control.  However, I got this fabulous brownie pan for Christmas and I really, really wanted to try it out, and then dip said brownies in chocolate and cover in sprinkles.

I used a basic "family size" Pillsbury brownie box mix, and scooped about 1 1/2 cookie scoops into each cup of my Pampered Chef brownie pan.  I cooked those last night.  One box filled the pan and then there was maybe one brownies worth of batter left.  I may have ate some of the batter.  But that's okay.

You will need:

Almond Bark.  I used 1/2 a package. (so six of the small squares)

Pre-baked brownies!

A double boiler.  AKA a bot of boiling water and a metal or glass pan. set atop it.

A drying rack.

Sprinkles!

First step is to chop up the chocolate.  Don't ask me why, but I neglected to take a picture of the chopped up chocolate.  
                                     

Second Step: Make a giant mess moving chocolate into double boiler.  Stir, stir, stir the chocolate.  Keep stirring until it is all melted.

  Third Step: Observe, melted almond bark!  Turn off the burner or you risk burning the chocolate.  Burn chocolate is NOT yummy.

Fourth step: Using a fork dip brownie squares into chocolate, rotate, pull out of pan and put on drying rack. Sprinkle with sprinkles.  I covered most of the brownies, but also tested dipping half and dipping the top.  I didn't think the half dipped were as pretty so I only did one, and then I did two with just the top covered.  They're just as pretty but overall I like the fully covered one.

Fifth Step:  Let the chocolate cool.  Almond bark is made to set quickly, I say these were probably about a half hour.

Final Step: Look at the pretty brownies and then eat them!  Or one.  Since you know, weight loss.

I actually don't plan on eating any of these.  I'm weird and don't like anything on my brownies.  I just like plain old brownies.  These were really quite easy to do, and I think anyone could make them.  I do also think you don't have to have the Pampered Chef brownie pan BUT, because the pan has you cook individual brownies, there are no crumbs in the chocolate.  I think if you baked a tray of brownies and then cut them and tried to dip them you'd definitely get crumbs in the chocolate tossing the brownies around.

As for me, and my weight loss goals.  I may have dug that scale out of that bag I put it in the other day.  I was just finding it really hard to get back on 100% track even with my meal prep and plan and sometimes I need to see how bad I've let it go to get that fire lit again.  Turns out, I was magically 189.  So, not the 185 and I won't make it to 180 by tomorrow (Valentine's Day) but NOT the 194-196 I was actually expecting after last week.

My doctor's appointment is a week from tomorrow and I'm really going to try to be 182.  That'll be a 10 pound loss since the last visit a month ago, and that's really reasonable.  I still want to end the month at 177.  If I stay true to my food plan and exercise five days a week, I KNOW I can accomplish that goal.  I also know life doesn't always go according to plan and that is why I have struggled so much.  Because I keep letting life take me off track.  

My goal for end of March is 170.  I want to buy myself something for making it to 170 but I can't for the life of me think of something that would push me towards that goal.  But I think a big prize or something I really want but wouldn't normally buy would help me work for it.  So I plan on thinking about it these next couple days.

Anyway, hope you like my quick and un-detailed brownie tutorial! 

Plugging Away

Oh man, am I disappointed in myself.  I made it to 185.2 and had a cheat meal that turned into cheat day, then had another one a few days later on the weekend, and then this past week a death in the family meant I ate whatever I wanted without much thought.

I can tell you I'm likely in the 190's again.

I can also tell you that I threw out my scale.  When I had a good day I'd use it as an excuse for lienancy, and when I had a bad day I used it as an excuse to say "Well what does it matter anyway?".  I weigh in with my doctor once a month and that's not going to change anytime soon so I figured why do I need a scale at home?

My plan moving forward (because how many plans have I started and stopped, right?), is to try meal prepping and to do a round of 21 Day Fix as well as continuing running.

Losing weight is for health but for me the main reason I continue is how I look in clothes.  Sure, it's superficial, but when I went shopping this past week I was too big for the regular stores and too small for the plus size stores and I had a freak out moment of "I'm not going to be able to find anything appropriate to wear".  It was close guys, it was really close.

I carry a lot of my weight in my belly (it grows forward of course) and legs.  This makes dresses almost impossible to buy because my top half is two sizes different than the bottom.  A dress for me is never off the rack unless it is A-line and I discovered adult stores do not carry A-line dresses that are nice for women.  They're all sheath dresses.  Well, I look five months pregnant in sheath dresses.  No I will not wear spanx.  If I'm uncomfortable it shows, and I tug at my clothes and then worry the entire time if I look okay.  It's just not worth it.

I also found out navy shoes in size 10 that are not heels are also impossible to find on short notice.  I really need to build a wardrobe but I've been losing weight (ha ha ha) and haven't wanted to spend month on clothes.

The truth is, I'm in the same spot this year, as I was last year.  I'm still in the 180's/190's and have been.  I cannot get a grip on my eating habits.  I'm good for about a week or two and then fizzle out.

I wish I could explain it.  It should be so simple as to say "no, I don't want to/can't have/am not going to eat that".  For some people it is.  There are days I'm eating something and I think to myself "this makes no sense, I'm going to regret this later" and I do it anyway.  It's compulsive, it's confusing.  Most people do not understand.

My idea is to really try to get back to where I was mentally when I first started the low carb diet.  I'm going to allow myself one 20 oz diet soda a week with a small bag of chips, and keep to low carb (20-50 carbs per day) all the other days of the week and meals.  60 Days of this.  No eating out.  Under no circumstances.  I am strong, and I can do this.  Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

With exercise, I made it to 177 back in July by doing 21 Day Fix and running.  I could tell the fat was thinning out on my legs and belly.  That wasn't all from just getting down to 177.  That was from my workouts and I need to work on building muscle in addition to cardio.

I have to be honest, I'm tired of having to worry about all of this.  It's probably why I struggle.  I wish I didn't have to worry about food or exercise.  That I could go through life not worrying about how many carbs or calories are in what meal.  I have yet to really build a love of exercise.  I hate doing it.  I get sore, I sweat, it's hard to breath.  No matter how fit you are, that's what proper exercise is and I dislike it.  Even the dance videos get old to me.  It is what it is.  I do it because I know I have to.  But I'm tired of it all.

I am still trying though.  Because I am unhappy with my appearance.  So I will continue to try until I meet my goal or just cannot try any more.

Wish me luck, I need it.

February Goals

Happy February!

My goal for this year was to lose around 10 pounds per month, happy to say I started January at 196 and this morning I was at 185.2!  This is a big accomplishment for me, even though I've seen 185 before, because it's been awhile that I've seen 185, and it means I'm really back on track.

I had a blip around mid-January, and a slow start to January to be honest, but I have worked my butt of making sure to mostly eat on plan and workout.

So let's talk my goals!

This month, my overall goal is to make it to 177 by March 1st.  This is not 10 pounds, but February is short.

Mid-Month goal, or Feb 14th goal (a week before my doctors appointment) is 180 lbs.

For exercise I want to get in 5 workouts a week.  This can be running, or DVD's.  I don't really care so long as it's a real workout.  Which could be as little as one mile on the treadmill at a decent pace to be honest.  Just so long as I make an effort.  Some days don't go so well as others, if Lilly sleeps poorly I won't be waking up before she does and able to workout.  Sometimes she lets me do a DVD in the morning, sometimes she hangs off me the whole time and I don't get it done.  But I'll make an effort to sincerely try.

I want to get back to my July weight of 177 (it was actually 177.8), and start moving forward past that.  I want to succeed this year.

I have moved my overall weight goal to 164 from 155.  164 just sounds more attainable to me, and it puts me in an average weight BMI, and while BMI is not the end all be all, it will still be satisfying for me to see because doctors do use that.  When I hit 164, I'll assess how I feel about my body and move forward from there.  Again, as an adult I was never under 200 and as a high school student 174 was the lowest weight I can recall.  Anything under that is new territory.  So I think setting a goal not as low will be a good start for me to start really looking at my body as it is.  Some days I still look in the mirror (or at a photo) and see that 240 pound person.  It's a mental thing and it's common, so I don't want to put in this effort and not physically see it.  If that makes sense.

Running wise, I need some better running socks, I currently have a blister on the arch of my right foot.  I have socks made for working out but having borrowed Nick's running socks (that I bought him when I worked in Downer's Grove) I know mine aren't even close to as nice as his.  Which is likely why I have a blister, or the new tennis shoes.

My mile itself have overall improved.  I'm regularly running my two miles at 4.5 or 5 mph.  It's a push for me, but I can handle it easier than when we first got the treadmill.  I find running on the treadmill is a lot more difficult physically than outside.  I don't know why, it just is.  I'm ready for Spring.  Is it Spring yet?

Anyway short list for February:

• 180 lbs by February 14th
• 177 by March 1st
• Exercise 5 days a week

Hello and Goodbye

We have a treadmill on our way today!  Thanks goes to my in-laws and my husband.  He decided instead of saving the Christmas money they give us every year to invest in the treadmill.  I used to have a used elliptical but too many moves broke it beyond repair and it's been a really nice coat hanger for well over a year now.

So Hello for the treadmill!  Easy cardio here I come! I love my DVD's but sometimes I don't want to do a ton of different exercises.

I have ninjutsu later tonight but since this is my last month I'm not as excited as normal.  They gave me December and January free but we honestly cannot afford the monthly cost and with Nick's school schedule I can't go as often as I need to learn at a decent pace because I need lots of repetition and practice.  It's very difficult to practice ninjutsu by yourself.  Add on once I ever make it to yellow belt the cost goes up and I'd need to attend more classes, it just doesn't work right now.  It makes me sad, I enjoyed it, it was empowering, but I can't be dedicated to it like I need to be and the cost is high when you can only go two times a week.

I plan on finding another class, be it cake decorating or art or some other kind of something.  I need to make sure I'm getting out of the house by myself.  Lilly doesn't do well in stores still (I miss my baby that sat in the cart happily the whole time) and so if we do go anywhere it's more stressful and rather quick than anything.

So Goodbye ninjutsu.

Low carb is working.  I'm not sticking to it every day, but I was at 189.2 on Sunday.  Because of my planner I am counting the week Sunday thru Saturday and at the end of the week I'm counting carb days, non-carb days, and pounds lost.  I hope to improve every week.  Last week I had three carb days so this week I am shooting for four.  A few of those days I was just over my 50 carbs so that may have contributed to my success despite only three days of truly on plan.

Support is nice, until it's hurtful

I bought McDonald's last night.  I bought for myself and Lilly, while Nick was at class.  It was a rough day.  Lilly was into all sorts of things, we were stuck inside the house, I was looking up stuff for us to do, I told her "no" and she hit me.

She's hit before.  It's not often and it's only when she's super upset.  We're working on it.

Anyway, this led to me sitting on the kitchen floor crying out of frustration and my dearest Lilly coming up to me, rubbing my head and asking "Are you okay?"

Which led to me telling her she could have whatever she wanted for dinner and she asked for french fries.

I bought for both of us.

Of course Nick saw this and texted me "I'm disappointed that you got it for yourself when we are supposed to be working towards meeting your goal"

We.  We?  "We're" working towards me losing weight.  I guess.

Well, I decided I was disappointed in myself enough that he didn't need to be disappointed in me and from this point on he'll have no part in my weight loss journey.  He won't keep my scale for me (I found it and took it back), he won't ask about my day or my food, he won't know how it is or isn't going.  Life will be like I am not even attempting to lose weight.  If he asks if I want fast food or to go to a restaurant or whatever it will be up to me and only me to say no.  I will not tell him not to ask me those things because I always say yes.  Because that's an unfair burden on him.

I can't do it.  I wanted him for support but I can't have someone like my husband being disappointed in me for one bad day when I AM trying.  Maybe he doesn't get that it's easy for me to slip up or to fall back to food for emotional support.  I know he doesn't.  I know he's very logical.  That words he thinks are encouraging and would be encouraging for him are in fact words that hurt me and hinder me and honestly made me want to eat the whole house and then some.  "I'm disappointed".  I wanted to eat whatever we had.  But we didn't have much and so I didn't.

So he will not be my support in any form.  Because support is not "We are working hard"  Support is "I'm trying hard to help you reach your goal".  Not "We are working hard"  Because the one doing most of the work and worry and dealing with food, well, that's ME.  And his words pissed me off because it is hardest on ME.  And he hasn't been doing a whole lot to help me meet my goal anyway, so it really IS me.

ANYWAY....other than that, we have a treadmill on the way and I've been adding things to my Amazon wishlist out of boredom.  I painted my nails, I've drawn a little, put the Christmas decor in the garage and organized the bedroom again.  I put boxes of clothes in my trunk to donate and cleared out some trash.  There are dishes to be done but not many.  I'll survive.  I will do this.  I will be successful.

And my husband will not have to stress out about it because it will be as if it isn't even happening.

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017!

2016.

The year everyone hated.

I tell you what, almost all of the weight loss accounts I follow on Instagram either didn't lose in 2016 or they gained back part or all, of their loss  It appears that that is part of the process for a good majority of people.

The important thing I take away from it is that I could have gained weight back but I didn't.  I kept pushing, I kept trying, through all the tough spots and back and forth between 179 and 190, I stayed pretty steady.  I maintained.  I kept fighting.

2017.  A year for a new story to be written, or finished.  I'll consider 2016 my writer's block.

Today marks Day 3 of honest effort to remain on track with carbs.  I had been "back on low carb" enough in 2016 but was not doing my best.  I was sneaking Lilly's snacks, I was having too many cheat days (which are okay!  Just not...three or four times plus a week.), I wasn't actively counting all carbs.

The past two days have been difficult.  I am trying to follow the same plan I followed when I first started and lost the bulk of my weight.  I wake up, I take my medicine, I make three scrambled eggs with a sprinkle of cheese, I eat said eggs.  I like eggs but three eggs every day is hard.  That's a lot of eggs.  But it's 21 grams of protein which keeps me full.

I am writing down in my food journal everything I eat, and I am making sure to actually measure it all.  That includes the two tablespoons of salad dressing and one tablespoon of bacos.

But, I am doing it.  Two days and I have remained on track.

Nick went back to work today which means I am back on a schedule, which is great for maintaining my plan.  I'll workout when Lilly naps at one.  Not fond of working out in the middle of the day but it's what I have to do.  Otherwise she tries to relive her birth while I do frog crunches by climbing on me and crawling through my legs.  Over and over and over.

I'm using the 21 Day Fix workouts.  I like them, I haven't overdone them like some of my Jillian DVD's, and there is a variety so I'm not doing the same thing every day.

Nick and I are looking into getting a treadmill and I'm excited about that.  I like an easy cardio option and since the elliptical broke ages ago, I haven't had that really.  I don't care if I pop on for a 10 minute mile once a day or whatever, being a stay at home mom has me sitting a lot and I need my legs to get moving.  Running this past summer was nice when it wasn't so hot, and my legs did slim down.  My body may be the same weight but I have gained some of my fat back for sure since I haven't regularly worked out since July.

So, I am surviving, trying to get into the swing of things.  Once I get going I'm good, but it's the getting going that is tough.  I gave Nick my scale and he's hidden it.  I won't get it back until after my doctor's appointment on the 19th.  The problem with the scale is when I'm doing bad it depresses me and I want to eat and when I'm doing good I think one cheat won't hurt.  So it's a back and forth dance that gets nowhere.

So, that is where I am at.  Sorry for not updating much.  I've just spent my free time doing other things for awhile.

My damn sinuses again...

My sinuses have decided to act up again, leaving me with a stuffed up nose and a dry itchy throat that comes with a nasty cough.  This is the third time in the past two or three months.  I am not happy.  I'm taking the cough pills I never finished (which don't work but hey, why not?) and allergy meds and sudefed and hoping for the best.

I've been on my new meds three full days and one half day and I'm really surprised at my lack of need to root through the kitchen to find food to eat because it tastes good.  I have still had some cravings (Such as a spicy chicken from Wendy's) but I have no had any desire to eat all the time.  I hope they continue to work like this.

On another much more silly note:

I need this purse from Modcloth.  Seriously.  It's even 25% off with a code through the end of today.  For some reason I want this purse so bad, I can barely contain myself.  I've been looking at it all week.  Several times a day.  It does not help that I do, in fact, need a new purse.  However, Nick says this purse is not an everyday purse.

I mean, I guess he's kind of right.  You see, whereas the model with the purse looks pretty chic and cool with her ripped skinny jeans and black over-sized turtleneck and booties, I'd probably look like a 12 year old.

I mean, with my flare jeans with rips on the bottom from being a smidge too long to the white paint splotch on my tennis shoes to my forever in a pony tail hair because I have no idea how to actually style hair and when I wear it down it just gets in my face and annoys me.  To my makeup-less face because it takes me too long and the random T-shirt that's either Cardinals baseball or Supernatural because that's all I have.

I would look like a 12 year old carrying a dog purse.

I would not look like this model.

I would not look this cool carrying around a dog purse.  I would look ridiculous.

But I want it.  Because it is cute. And I need a purse.  Because mine has a rip and the corner fabric is worn out and the damn thing is four years old and has definitely seen better days.  My poor worn out scraggly purse only adds to my disheveled 12 year old look.

Next month, I'll look for a new purse.  I probably won't get the dog purse.  I'll conform to society's basic standards of what an adult should wear/look like and I'll be too afraid I'll look like I'm 12, and I'll end up ordering some other purse that is square and neutral and lacking personality.  Not to mention it will likely be sold out.

Some purse that is not a dog face.

I want the dog purse.

Day One on Binge Eating meds and UPDATE!

So, today was the first day I've taken my new binge eating medication.   I just got it yesterday afternoon and it turns out Wal-Mart had it for like, six days already.  I'm a little irritated because they never called but I have it and I started it.

So far, good.  I haven't thought about eating the whole house today.  In fact, the idea of me eating as much as I had been seems...odd?  Anyway, these meds are newer I believe and they are typically used to treat ADHD.  Apparently some people who are using it for binge eating find that they are more focused.  It kind of makes sense.  I eat because I'm bored or because when I eat certain foods it makes me feel good.  Not really because I'm hungry.  So if I'm focused my mind isn't all over the place and I'm not constantly thinking about food.  Anyway, it's only day one so we'll see what happens from here.

I FINALLY tested for my first stripe in ninjutsu on Tuesday!  I knew my sensei was going out of town until after Thanksgiving and I wanted it before that.  I was nervous and forgot to breath so I was very lightheaded afterwards but I did get my stripe!  YAY!

Not much else has been going on so far as normal day to day stuff goes.

Weekly Recap

I know my blog has been all over the place so I think it will be nice to do a weekly blog that is a recap of what I've been up to and how things have been going.

• I went back to my doctor and got prescribed a pill used to treat binge eating disorders and also ADHD.  Wal-Mart of course didn't have it in stock and so I have to wait week.
• Nick got rear ended and his HHR was totaled.  I had a pretty serious freak out over this and though we'd rather NOT spend the money, we will be buying a new car in just a few weeks.  I was without one for six months but I was also watching the neighbors baby so it wasn't so bad because I would have been stuck at home anyway.
• I have not gone back to low carb yet as I should but today I am really, really trying.

My hobbies/interests are going better.

• I caught up to the current season of the anime Uta Prince No Sama as well as the newest episode of one called Kiss Him, Not Me.  Kiss Him, Not Me is pretty hilarious.  It might just be one of the funniest anime I have seen.  It has a lot of anime references and kind of pokes fun at the fan base in a very well meaning, light-hearted way.  I am really looking forward to see how the story progresses.  Uta Pri has the very common idol anime setup but it is on it's fourth season which means it's pretty successful.
• I watched the fourth episode Death Parade.  It was very emotional and made me cry.  The basis of this anime is two people who die at the same time end up in a bar where they have to play a game of some sort (the game changes each episode) to determine who will get to be reincarnated and whose soul pretty much goes into oblivion.  The games are supposed to bring out the true nature of people and we actually haven't seen who goes where since the first episode I don't believe.
• Went to ninjutsu class twice this week, thanks to my sister-in-law who watched Lilly for me yesterday as Nick had a group project for school to work on.  I'd say both classes were successful and I am working on getting to the point where I can feel confident enough to take the stripe test for my first lesson.  My body parts really don't like moving together in unison so I tend to move my feet first and then my hands and I need to get them to work together, but I do have fun every class and I love my classmates and my sensei.  It is such a beautiful encouraging environment.
• I started using Japanesepod101.com and their youtube channel to start learning Japanese.  We have to learn a lot of terms for ninjutsu and because of my anime watching I want to actually understand and learn rather than just memorizing what words mean for class.  I think pod101 has several different language sites and I would recommend checking them out.  Very easy to follow and learn.

And I think that's all I can remember for now.  Pretty basic stuff and off course there was a lot of taking care of Lilly and doing dishes and laundry in there too!  Have a good week everyone!

How Things Are Going

So.  Wal-Mart had to order my prescription, it takes a week to come in.  Not the start I was hoping for because it's put this excuse in my head not to start until I get it.  Lame.  I know.  So...I haven't exactly started low carb yet.  Each morning I get up I intend to stick to it but I haven't.

My husband got rear-ended the other day.  The car was totaled.  We were going to replace it in a few years.  We really didn't want to replace it this year.  We're only getting $4300 for it, and my husband won't buy an older car so we are dipping into savings to buy a new one in a few weeks.  He's not told me if I'm getting the car or if he's getting the car.  I really like my Cruz now and I've only had it for 10 months and I offered for him to take it when we bought it and he didn't so I will admit unless he gets me a green car I'll be pissed if he chooses to take my Cruz.

Talk of budgets gets me super stressed.  I don't work, and while staying at home means we're not paying childcare and I actually see my daughter that doesn't mean that I don't wish I had more/better skills that allowed me to work and bring in an income for my family.  I will forever regret the day I did not go to college.  Certainly there were a lot of factors that went into that, which would be too long of a story to post fully here, but I will always regret it.  I don't want to go back to retail.  I'm not really fond of how massage therapy turned out for me.  I'm really scared and upset over the idea of finding work again.  It's scary and of course this car business has me thinking about it.

This stress brings in the food.  Food makes me feel happy for all 2.7 seconds I'm eating it.  So I baked a small batch of cookies today.  I knew I shouldn't have.  I thought about it the whole time I was doing it.  I did it anyway.  My daughter got three out of 12.  I ate the rest.

I threw out the flour.  This way I cannot bake cookies.  Because when I want food to make me happy I will in fact, go out of my way for it.  I may have also gotten into the leftover Halloween candy in my husbands desk drawer.  He puts it down there so I don't have access to it and he doesn't lock it.  It has a lock.  He should lock it.  Because I know that's where it is and chocolate makes me feel happy.  For all 2.7 seconds.

I worked out twice earlier this week, been to ninjutsu once.  I have to miss ninjutsu tomorrow because Nick has to get together with his class group for their group project.  I'm supposed to go two days a week and I missed three weeks because I was sick and got to go just one this week.  I am not at all happy with my lack of progress at this point.  I knew it would take me longer to learn things, my body doesn't move together well, but missing classes is really depressing to me.  I want to learn and advance and I haven't even earned my first stripe yet.  You get a stripe when you test on a lesson you need to know for your next belt test.  I've been going like two months and have not gotten it.  *insert super sad face here*

ON A PLUS NOTE:  I found out there's this super cool Japanese mini mall-ish place called Mitsuwa Marketplace.  I am hoping they may have some cute onigiri molds (I want a cat one for Lilly) and they have awesome ramen restaurants for Nick and a bakery that looks delicious and of course a grocery story.  But it's an hour away so we haven't gotten to go yet.  An hour in the burbs really isn't horrible but it's not ideal with an unpredictable toddler.

My anime watching has increased.  It does help stress.  I also found japanesepod101.com and their youtube channel.  They have super awesome videos that are easy to follow for learning Japanese.  Because we use Japanese terms in ninjutsu and because I watch a lot of anime I have watched several and plan to actually pick some language and writing up.  It's my current interest and I always throw myself at my interests so this is no surprise.

I have not drawn much.  My colored pencils, while a good brand, keep breaking when I sharpen so it just gets frustrating instead of being relaxing.  I need to learn to be happy with black and white drawings and learn how to shade like they would in a manga, since most manga are black and white.

And that is where I am at.  I managed to wash and fold ALL THE LAUNDRY.  Which is amazing  It really is, but I have a good bit of dishes to do.  Yuck.  The constant badgering of making beds, doing dishes, and helping fold laundry as a kid did nothing for me, in fact, I think they made me really detest those chores.

Day After Halloween Doctor Visit

So, after nine months I finally went back to my doctor.

I was 100 % honest about how I felt my eating was out of control, that I didn't hold myself accountable, and that I needed regular visits.

He had me take a binge eating disorder survey.  By the looks of it, he says I could have it, so we're going to try some meds.  He said it is also used to treat ADHD and that sometimes people find they have better focus.  I could use that!  To be honest, I recently read an article about ADHD in adult women and was surprised at how many symptoms were familiar so I am hoping it can do me good on many levels.

I have to hand in the 1st prescription by hand because he gave me some coupons so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to get it because Lilly was being Lilly and no way was I going to take her to the store with me to wait for a prescription to be filled.  I can do that tomorrow when she is in preschool class.

Anyway, she fell asleep on the way home so I'm going to watch my current cheesy idol anime called Uta no Prince Sama.  I'm on season three.  The fact that it has a third and currently airing fourth season says it actually isn't that bad, but it is cheesy and it was written for teenage girls and it does involve boy bands so yeah.

Hey, I did dishes and laundry today at least!

I was really stuffed into that bodice last night!  Next year it will fit better!

I No Longer Believe I Can Do It

I am really lost and depressed at this point in time.

I no longer believe I can lose any more weight, in fact all I see in my future is weight gain.

Nick once again proved to me the other night that he doesn't listen to me when I discuss my issues with weight loss with him when I told him I really shouldn't be eating the rice and he said "It's just portion control"

I thought I had made it blindingly clear that I have a food addiction because I actually eat food because it tastes good.  Not because I am hungry.  It's not even a "I'm hungry, and I want to eat Food A rather than Food B, because Food A tastes better"  No.  It's "I am bored and what can I eat that tastes good?"

My gut has expanded.  I weighed in at 195 today, this is one pound under obese for me.  I am terribly depressed.

I cannot seem to control my eating and in fact right now all I want is some chocolate and a subway sandwich.  Maybe some french fries.

I feel as if nobody cares if I lose weight.  I don't think anyone would care if I gained it all back.  I feel like, I'd probably just prove to people what they likely were thinking all along, that I couldn't do it.

I feel alone in this journey.

I feel pretty helpless at this point.

In fact, before I got pregnant with Lilly, I had been stuck at 203-207 for a very very long time, and I am feeling just about like I was then.  I gave up when I got pregnant.

I've pretty much given up on eating in a manner that will help me continue this journey.

I do not like low carb, nor have I ever.  I am tired of eggs and chicken.  My plan did not allow much red meat or fatty meat (like bacon) and the salt does effect me.

I attempted 21 Day Fix meal plan but also did not lose weight.  I ended up eating a few extra cups of things because the booklet said I could and I always chose the things like the frozen waffles.

Peanut butter has become a trigger and I in fact melted butter, peanut butter, and dark chocolate chips in a bowl the other day and ate it.

Then I threw out the peanut butter and chocolate chips.

I need someone to hold my hand through this journey and I hate it but I know I need it because I am not enough for myself and if nobody is monitoring me it doesn't work.  But it has to be someone that I feel would be disappointed in me or that I would be embarrassed to have gained or maintained at my weigh in.

I attempted a while ago to have Nick weigh me every week but it was me who had to remind him and on the weeks where I didn't take care of it, well, I didn't remind him and I just dropped it.  In fact, I don't think he cares if I gain weight to be honest.  I almost feel like he would rather I not loose any more weight.

But I am overweight.  I lost 60 pounds and I am still overweight and in fact, I am AT THE TOP of the Overweight scale.

I want to be comfortable in my body.  I have never felt happy with how I look.  I have never been comfortable in clothing in front of others, I feel my stomach roll protrude over my waist band and I try to sit with my arms around it.  I despise pictures because I still have a double chin, large arms with hanging bat wings, and my legs are pretty chunky still.  Pictures make it look worse and remind me exactly what I know: I HATE HOW I LOOK.

I will always hate how I look.  This is how I feel.  I feel like I will never be a normal sized human being.  That I will never be able to look in the mirror and enjoy my appearance.  That I will never put on a piece of clothing and be happy with how it fits.

That life, for me, right now, it seems like it will never happen.  That it is not for me.

It may be a pitty party for one, but that is my mental state, and that is what I want to share because it is the truth.

Definition of Insanity

There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

So, here I am, at a year of trying to get back on track with low carb and going from 177 to 190 over and over and over.  So, why am I still trying to do low carb?

Good question.

I am so over it.

I also am over calorie counting and Weight Watchers (can we talk about how their business plan relies on people gaining the weight back?)

Anyway, with my increased love and interest in anime and similar things, and Nick's love of sushi and desire to eat a good bowl of ramen, I've decided to try something totally different.

Actually eating good food and not counting calories or points or carbs or whatever.

Now, I've somewhat planned out meals, and will still be doing a lower carb, but I am tired of not cooking or having meals with my family.  When I do low carb I don't cook leaving Nick and Lilly out in the cold more or less.  Or I do really basic stuff.

Today, I bought some cool stuff:

A ricer cooker, a ramen and udon cookbook, a sushi mat, and Lilly got some training chopsticks that match her trademark pig tails!  Seriously, how cute are those?

My plan moving forward, now that I am finally getting better after being sick, is to eat eggs or similar for breakfast, have a low carb turkey wrap for lunch, and various chicken dinners with rice or veggies.  Snacks will be fruit or carrots with some ranch.  I'm going to get rid of my diet soda habit.

Did I ever mention I have a really bad diet soda habit?  It's bad.  I know it's not good for me, and it's bad.

I want to eat cleaner without being 100% clean, eat more regular type meals, eat with my family, provide Lilly with better examples of a healthy relationship with food.

On top of that, I plan on practicing my ninjutsu for 30 minutes every day.  This will include bokken, and studying from my guidebook.  I also will exercise, sticking with my chart I made just before I got sick.  Maybe changing it up a bit.

I will not weigh myself obsessively but focus on the fit of my clothes.  I won't try and throw the scale out but I will try and not use it all the time and work on not focusing on the number near as much as I do.

I want to improve my planks (which I have gotten up to 50 seconds!  WOW!) and work on balance, push ups, and endurance.

I can't make promises to myself or this blog.  I almost never make my goals.  They also make me obsessed, I want to live a normal healthy life without worrying about food and exercise.  I want it to be a normal, every day thing.  Something I don't have to think about, but habit.

I have a very bad relationship with food, that has only gotten worse this past year due.  I want to change that.

I am going to do my best and see what happens.

Day: Doesn't Really Matter

I have been sick for two weeks now.  I have missed four ninjutsu classes.  I am back at square one as far as weight goes.

I am frustrated as hell.

I don't understand why I can't seem to stick to low carb long enough to finish this up.  A week is about all I seem to have in me.  This entire past year has been a waste and a struggle of me trying and not trying.

Nobody cares if I lose weight or not and I am beginning to think I don't either.  I look in the mirror and I hate every ounce I see.  I am dreading family pictures in November.  I have to buy a new dress and I hate the idea of going shopping for one.  I know I won't find anything I think I look good in.  My legs are super chunky and I just want to hide them away.  I physically can't wear heels but my legs are also pale and covered in varicose and spider veins so I don't want to bare leg it but if I wear tights they bunch at the ankle when I wear flats and they wouldn't be nude tights because I'm so pale they don't make nude tights my skin color.  I have no idea how to dress myself and hating my body is not helping remedy that situation.

I have beautiful skirt in my closet I wanted to wear last year and couldn't quite fit into it and I'm in the same situation this year.

Being sick is forcing me on the couch again and I am tired and coughing and grumpy and I look like hell.

And all I do on this blog is complain.

I can't find the motivation.  I am sorry.  Me not being able to find it makes it hard to motivate anyone else.  If being a beachbody coach hadn't been so costly maybe I should have stuck with it, because at least then I put on a fake face and exercised every day.

The truth is, all I want is a normal body.  I normal one.  Not an overweight one.  I want to know what it's like to have a normal sized healthy body.  I don't want this huge gut and chunky thighs.  I've had them since junior high and I have hated them since junior high and I want them gone.  I am uncomfortable in my body.  I feel big and awkward.

The truth is: I don't have anyone monitoring my weight but me and I can choose to not report it here so it doesn't matter.  I'm not paying a doctor to monitor it so I won't be embarrassed if I don't lose like before.

I am tired and worn down from lack of sleep and trying to exercise and diet.  I don't want to do low calorie because I know it also lowers your metabolism.  I also know it is hard for me to stick with.  So is Weight Watchers (AND HELLO COSTLY).

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  Nick got me french fries the other day.  I broke the no eating out and I didn't even think about it.  He said he was going to get a gyro and I texted him and told him he should get lots of fries as a joke and he was like "Are you joking or serious" and in a split second I was serious.  He called me and said he would get them for me but that I couldn't get mad at him.

BUT I AM MAD A HIM!  He's supposed to help me.  He's supposed to tell me it won't help me reach my goals.  That I'm stronger than my want for french fries.  Because I can't seem to tell myself that.

The truth is: I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I don't know if I should ditch low carb, stay with low carb, try something else, etc.  I know focusing on exercise won't help because you can't out exercise a bad food plan.

Goal setting doesn't seem to help.

I'm so tired of it all.  How can I go from 252 at my highest weight to 190 now and HATE my body still?  I still feel big and awkward and clunky and gross.  And it doesn't matter if you or anyone else thinks I look good, if I FEEL LIKE CRAP, I feel like crap.  I'm overweight, borderline obese (196 is obese at my height), and not happy but not miserable enough to think about what I am really doing to my body.

And honestly, I just want to bake some damn Halloween cookies.

Being Sick Sucks - Day I lost count since my notebook had milk spilled on it...

I've been sick for a week now.  I've missed two ninjutsu classes, I didn't get to start my workout schedule.  I'm miserable.  Sinus infection.  So hacking, coughing up nasty gunk, pressure in my face.  Nothing fun.

On the plus side, I've been doing fairly well with my food plan.  Did I mention I couldn't keep my scale put up?  Well, good news is I am back down to 183.8.   Really good progress I feel.  I can't imagine what it would look like if I had been able to workout the past week like I had intended.

I am really, really hoping I don't miss another ninjutsu class and I am considering going to the minute clinic today but I have my daughter, as always, and that sounds kind of dreadful with a two year old and a stuffy head.

As it is, I have to go to the store to get her night pull-ups.  Potty training is a B you guys.  Or Lilly is just stubborn.  Or both.  Well, she's definitely stubborn.  Totally her own person.

Anyway, that's my update.  I am hoping to get well and get to exercising again but we will see what happens.  When I get sick it just lingers and it knocks me out bad.  Doesn't help Lilly is sick too, though less so than I, and has not been sleeping well at all.  Sleep is so essential.

Day ????

Ugh.  I've been sick the past few days.  Damn sinus infection.  To the point where I even missed ninjutsu class.

Anyway, remember that notebook that I carefully wrote out each and every damn day until November 23rd?  Well, I spilled a WHOLE sippy cup of milk on it at 3 am in the morning last night and it was 100% not salvageable.  So depressing.

On the upside, while sick I have been drawing more, and seeing good progress,   On top of that, drawing keeps me busy I don't think about food.  As long as Lilly allows me to draw I do not think about food.  This is such a big thing for me, to find something that keeps me busy enough that I am not constantly thinking about food is amazing.

Anyway, not much else going on.  I'm doing well, keeping focused, and practicing my planks so I can someday do a pushup so I can someday be strong.

Who I Am

I've been having a bit of an identity crisis for several months now.  Being a stay at home mom to a toddler consumes all your time on one thing: Your child.  I am lucky I get to stay home with her, but she is demanding and leaves not much time to myself.

Since I was in junior high I've always wondered where I belonged.  I moved around from group of friends to group of friends and never really figured it out.  I wanted desperately to fit in like I think most kids do, and as a result didn't make any particularly strong bonds though I will say there is one friend I can think of that was my best friend and I do wish I had kept in contact after high school with her.  That one is on me.

I always felt uncomfortable in high school and a lot of those feelings still exist to this day.

When I was 242 pounds I thought that all I wanted to do was get back to my high school weight, now that I am here I am deeply reminded how unhappy I am with that and know why I was.  But it also starts bringing up reflections on other things about me, like my personality.

I still have a stupid desire/need to fit in.  I don't like drawing attention to myself and do not handle compliments well.  It's nice to get them but they also make me feel super awkward.  To make matters more difficult my hobbies and interests are not what most would consider conventional for a person of my age and as a result I feel like I can't really share them or people will think I'm weird.  Not to mention it makes conversations with people you've never met uncomfortable because my general assumption is that nobody would be interested in them either.  So there I am in a large group at a party or something and I never know what to say.  Thank goodness for extroverts that know how to carry conversations because I am of no help at all.

So who am I?  It was something I pondered last night as I couldn't sleep.  I still haven't found my personal style.  Clothes are just clothes and I don't love too many of the items I own.  My hair and make-up (or lack thereof) are just in a state of chaos these days.  Likely in part to toddlerville and in part to a horrible hack job of a haircut a year ago.

So who am I?  Who do I want to be?  Here comes my freak flag:

• I am completely obsessed with anime these days.  It is really all I want to watch.  Most of the shonen stories (written for teenage boys) are really fun and have a good amount of action and I really like the romance stories written for girls because they tend to be ridiculously cheesy.  I am so interested in this that I started reading about voice actors (as I'm starting to recognize them and most anime I watch is English subtitles so I am recognizing Japanese voice actors).  What I find fascinating is that anime isn't like our cartoons, which the cartoon comes first and the runoff merchandise second, but they are mostly based in manga, which are typically black and white comics.  The artwork in the manga can be amazing.  I never thought I'd love black and white line drawings so much.  They're beautiful.  There are also a good bit of anime based on interactive story games, that result in several different story endings.  It can be frustrating for me because I like one path for characters but it's also kind of cool.
• I love Halloween.  This isn't really unknown, but if I could have all the decorations, I would.  Good thing we are on a tight budget.
• I wear jeans and t-shirts every day.  You will not see me outside the house in yoga pants or workout pants unless I am actually working out.  I feel sloppy and naked if I am not in jeans.
• I don't like that I only wear jeans and t-shirts.  I wear this because it's easy and I am always spilling or ripping my nice clothes, never my t-shirts, but always my nice clothes.  Maybe because the fabrics are more delicate or something.  I don't know.  I really want to look put together, with a style and fashion of my own, complete with styled hair, perfect glamorous make-up, and accessories.  I have no idea how to put real outfits together which is why I revert to jeans and t-shirts.
• Another part of me really wants to buy up all my favorite fandom t-shirts and wear them proudly.  Or find out how to wear them so I don't look 12?
• Right now I really, really want magenta hair with purple roots.  I think crazy colored hair is GORGEOUS when dyed properly and styled nicely.  Look it up on Instagram and there is a beautiful world of amazing colorists who are true artists.
• I will likely never dye my hair a crazy color again (I did purple myself in high school but it looked blue and I damaged my hair because I didn't know what I was doing).  I am too worried about what others will think.  I don't want people thinking I'm being foolish or childish.  I know that brightly colored hair is not for everyone, but I wish people judged less because color is beautiful.  In nature, in clothing, in artwork.  Why not add color to ourselves?  I really wish I could ignore my need to please other people.
• I hate that I am a jack of all crafting trades, master of none.  I would love to be a great costumer/seamstress and I really, really, wish I was great at drawing.  They may not be practical hobbies to have but I have pictures inside my head of things I want to make and I can't execute them because I have never taken the time to work on my skills.  I do enjoy decorating cakes but that will likely be something I never perfect because I like frosting too much and I would taste test too often and gain a ton of weight.  This is the truth.
• I love Renaissance Faires.  I love to go and dress up in costume.  I love watching people in costumes, admiring how they put them together to form characters, because yes, these people create their own characters and they can go down to the tiniest detail to portray them.
• I really like fantasy novels.  It is my favorite genre.  Not Sci-Fi.  Fantasy.  As a result, they are my favorite types of movies as well.  Though I will tack on Pirates of the Caribbean because I once loved those movies so much I could memorize them.  Probably in my head still somewhere but not now.
• I wish wish wish I had the patience and time to be one of those girls who does full on make-up with lashes.  It always looks so polished and pretty.  I don't care if you can tell they're wearing make-up, they look great and have the ability to completely transform their face.  Which, I don't really like mine to be honest so I'd love to know how to do it.
• Because of my newfound love of anime, when looking for a class to take to get out of the house I joked about karate classes and then ended up seriously considering them and ended up in Aiki Ninjitsu classes.  I love them.  I feel amazing after them.  I have a hard time learning some of the moves but I do plan to continue.  I really hope I don't fizzle out and get upset at slow progress.  I really hope the cost of classes isn't much more than the special they were just running.  If it is, I'll have a hard time justifying the cost in my head, since I don't work.  But I really think it would be awesome if I could accomplish a black belt someday.  I've never done anything like that.
• I STILL have no idea what career I'd be happy with.  I haven't fallen into anything either.  I really hate waking up and going in on a schedule, it's something I have always had a very difficult time with and I actually burn out really easily.  It's hard to admit that because most adults CAN handle it and I feel kind of like a failure admitting it.  I want to work for myself which is why I went into massage therapy, but I quickly learned that even with good body mechanics my body and mind couldn't handle enough work to do it on my own.  I enjoyed it, and liked working at the chiropractic offices but the hours sucked (either too little and didn't know when I was going to work until sometimes THAT DAY or a stupid split shift where I was gone 12 hours a day).  I am not renewing my license.  The cost of continuing education was too expensive to justify.  I also kind of hated it at times because there were some days I just really didn't want to touch people.  Part of the reason I think I like the fantasy genre and anime so much are because I think regular life is pretty boring and the characters tend to be dynamic and have interesting things going on.
• Back to the fashion side: I have a very difficult time investing in clothing.  It's expensive and wears out, and again, I tend to destroy my nice clothes easily.  As a result, my wardrobe really is small.  My husband owns more clothes than I do.  He has more shoes too.  Since I don't bring in an income it also makes it difficult for me to be a typical woman and have a stylish wardrobe because after a pair of dressy shoes and tennis shoes I feel like everything else is extra and not a necessary spending cost and if it's not necessary it's not needed.  If I had a bigger budget I would have a ton of shoes and items from Modcloth and half of my style crisis would be solved.
• I prayed that Lilly would be all the things I am not before she was born and before I even knew she was a girl.  I am terribly afraid she will be self conscious, shy, and a strict rule follower.  I want her, and her life, to be bold and bright and amazing.  As a rule follower and someone who is shy I have greatly limited my potential as well as my life experiences.  I rarely do anything that is not "by the book".  I don't like being this way, but don't find it easy to change.

So, in short.  I love anime, Halloween, Renaissance faires, fantasy stories, and I'd love to be a glamorous brightly colored, skirt wearing, artist but am stuck in t-shirt and jeans hell because "it's practical".

I sincerely hope I did not rant too much and that most of my thoughts were clear.  I don't really edit posts so you get it as it comes out.

Days 4 and 5

*sigh*

Day Four was awful.  I won't lie.  I did NOT stick to plan.  It was grocery shopping day and I ate goldfish crackers and once I started I had a few more than just a few.  Not a huge amount, but like, two servings for sure.

I'm still not motivated to exercise every day.  I'm groggy in the morning, Lilly pulls at me, her wake-up time is unpredictable so waking up before her is a no-go, and with my sleep patterns and her sleep patterns and the fact that I want to spend time with Nick in the evenings, well, there goes working out at night.

Some people can say those are just excuses, and maybe they are, but there is a balance and I'm sorry but sleep and Nick are priorities.  You cannot be healthy with no sleep.

Day Five has not been so bad.  I did eat over 50 carbs but I tried.  I didn't go crazy.  I had extra low carb bread and some low carb ice cream which put me over.  I will say, I did great in the morning but that MAY be due to the fact that I was consumed by a ridiculous visual novel game on my phone.  Basically, it's like those books where you choose what happens next.  Some of it is super interactive (like a chat room) and other bits are less so.  The characters all all drawn like manga/anime.  I say it's ridiculous because it was an otome game, which basically means outside of the plot line you choose a character as a love interest and the games I think are targeted towards teenage girls/girls in their young 20's.  I'm 31 with a kid, I should have other things to do, but I guess I consider it like anyone who reads a romance novel and in the end, the story line went beyond the romance and had some pretty cool twists!

ANYWAY....

I'm writing this now because I can't sleep.  It's 12:34.  Did I mention I broke out the scale again?  I couldn't help it.  The first few days I saw loss, but now it jumped back up and I'm going crazy in my head.  Why did it, what am I doing wrong.  If I get rid of the scale will it crawl up?

I'm very disappointed in myself.  I'm trying to log day by day so that I can be accountable, so that I can pretend people are reading and following and routing for me to meet my goal, but at the end of the day, I don't think anyone cares if I lose any more weight or not and I'm not enough.  It sounds stupid.  But I just can't get my mind into the game for myself.  I am trying.  I really, really am.  But food wins over my willpower quite often.

And that damn scale.  I hate to throw it out because it was expensive and I will freak.  Well, not only that, but I fear if I throw it out I will no longer really care.  I got rid of a lot of my bigger clothes that were nice, but I still have bigger jeans and my tshirts will always fit so I know that I could easily slip and gain it all back.

Well, I mean, look at me.  For my birthday I made it down to 177 and I'm at 192 now.  I was struggling then.  So hard.  Vowed I'd keep going, and I didn't.  And here I am, above the 180's, close to being obese again.

I am sorry if anyone is following and I let you down.  I'm letting myself down.  I'm angry at myself. I just can't seem to do it, and there are so many other things I'd love to take the time to focus on too.  My polymer clay, my drawing, my ninjutsu classes, Lilly, and yes, even taking the time to play that game.  I think I have read one book since Lilly was born.  I love read.  I don't have much time to sit around and read like I used to.  That ridiculous game only takes pieces of time here and there so it was totally doable.

How the hell do people make time for all of it?  How do the handle it?  How does it not drive them crazy? They exercise and meal prep and don't miss the junk food, they make it to their gym, and work, and all the stuff in between.

Now I'm rambling because I am up late and my brain is going crazy.  So you all get it here.  Sorry.

Days 2 and 3

Day 2

Day two was a little rough, I ran out of bread and eggs and had serious cravings because I didn't have much to eat in the house.  My cravings are all mental based.  Because things taste good.  Not because I'm deficient in vitamins and nutrients or even hungry.

I made it through and went and got bread, eggs, and carb smart ice cream once Lilly went to bed so that Day 3 wouldn't be a failure.

I didn't do any sort of exercise outside of taking Lilly on a bike ride.

Day 3

Day three was much better than Day 2.  I got up and drank a ton of water pretty early in the day.  I always try to drink 1/2 my body weight in ounces per day, and to do that I typically need to consume several 16 ounce glasses of water in the morning or I just don't think about my water consumption.

Many people walk around dehydrated and don't even know it.  While it's true you get some water from juices and other beverages nothing beats water.

I had my aiki ninjutsu class last night, and it was pretty fun as always.  It's not a super intense workout but I always feel it afterwards or the next day.  It was my first time working with a fellow white belt so it was interesting to see how we could figure out how to help each other learn and grow.

What I really like about my dojo is that when I get there I am not shy.  Everyone is so friendly and helpful that I don't even worry about what I'm going to say or how to introduce myself or if I'm going to sound stupid.  The positive energy is really great and I always leave class feeling recharged.

One of my fellow classmates (and white belt) had her purse snatched in Chicago over the weekend and since my dojo teaches S.A.F.E. classes and women's self defense we discussed it a bit because my classmate chased the guy into an alley.  If you've read anything about self defense, this is a big no-no.  My sensei wanted to stress that NO POSSESSION is worth our life.

After that, class was back to normal and we went over kicking with our toes (my goodness I need to work on my balance!), head butting, and ear cupping.  Then we worked on putting some of it together.

I wish I had time to go to more than two classes a week so that I could progress a little more quickly but that's okay.  I'm in no rush but I just have a hard time remembering things sometimes without doing them over and over and it is hard to practice without a partner!

Day One

Yesterday was Day One of my 57 days on track to November 23rd.

It is a re-commitment to myself to see my weight loss journey through to the end.  While I haven't lost any weight this last year, it was a definite learning experience.  Old habits die hard, and one cheat weekend away can send me out of my low carb mentality and straight to junk food city.

I battled scale obsession, stepping on the scale nearly every time I went into the bathroom.  I even tried to remove the scale to no success.

I tried and failed at being a Beachbody Coach, hoping to not only help myself and others.

I learned I can handle some pretty intense workouts with a little bit of modification (HELLO INSANITY!)

I also learned I can maintain my weight with thought.

So that said, I had enough of the up and down of the same 12 pounds and have committed to focusing on getting back on track with low carb eating (that has been the only thing that has worked for me).

I decided after we had Taco Fresco the other night that I would not eat out again until November 23rd (which is when we go get family photos, and right before Thanksgiving).

I wrote it down on my kitchen white board and then decided that I would also commit to 100% low carb.

Then, I wrote a quick blog about it.

Then I decided I would not weigh myself until October 23rd, and then again on November 23rd.  I emptied the batteries out of my scale, and put the batteries and scale in two different places.

I made a list of low carb foods since I have lost the one from my doctor.

I took my notebook and input every date until then, and marked them Days 1 - 57.  I lamented that it wasn't quite 60 days, but Thanksgiving...seriously.  Pumpkin Pie people.

Then I started.

I did fairly well yesterday.  I made sure I woke up, drank a 16 oz glass of water right away.  I did a sort of sad workout that consisted of a warm-up of jogging, some jumping jacks, but then I practiced with my bokken (wooden katana sword for practice) and some of my other ninjutsu techniques I am learning.  I think the class will be very positive for me mentally and physically.  I have worked out but never had set goals in mind with where I wanted to be and the Aiki Ninjutsu is giving me a picture of that.  I want to be quicker, and more flexible.  I want a better mind-body connection so that I move less clumsily.  I want to be able to do a damn push-up.

So I also added on a 25 second plank (it was as long as I could do), three good form sit-ups (sad, I know), and a very very sad attempt at a real push-up, and some very sad attempts at knee push ups.  My core isn't very strong so it makes it hard for me to lower myself, hence the planks.

While not a super intense workout, I am reaching for goals that are practical for what I am studying, and that means I am more likely to continue because I am one of those people that does things for others.  While I want to be fit and lose weight it has never been enough to do it for myself or do it for any reason that is not observed.  It has not been motivation enough, but improving my fitness and skills so that my instructor and fellow classmates can see I am improving is motivation.  Ridiculous at 31, I know.

Anyway, after all that, my food went pretty well for the day, and I finished at 53 carbs.  That's three carbs over my max of 50, but for a first day back, I consider that pretty good.

I also went on a walk and then took Lilly on a bike ride.

It was a good first day.

I am hoping to update here every day.  I left space in my notebook to write my water and food on the front of the page and a journal on the back of the page.  I have to commit to spending the time on it which is difficult with a demanding toddler around so I am sure I will miss logging some days on here, but I will definitely be keeping up with it and re-capping each day, even if some posts have two or three days in them.

Remember: I believe in myself.  I am confident.  I can accomplish my goals.