Day: Doesn't Really Matter

I have been sick for two weeks now.  I have missed four ninjutsu classes.  I am back at square one as far as weight goes.

I am frustrated as hell.

I don't understand why I can't seem to stick to low carb long enough to finish this up.  A week is about all I seem to have in me.  This entire past year has been a waste and a struggle of me trying and not trying.

Nobody cares if I lose weight or not and I am beginning to think I don't either.  I look in the mirror and I hate every ounce I see.  I am dreading family pictures in November.  I have to buy a new dress and I hate the idea of going shopping for one.  I know I won't find anything I think I look good in.  My legs are super chunky and I just want to hide them away.  I physically can't wear heels but my legs are also pale and covered in varicose and spider veins so I don't want to bare leg it but if I wear tights they bunch at the ankle when I wear flats and they wouldn't be nude tights because I'm so pale they don't make nude tights my skin color.  I have no idea how to dress myself and hating my body is not helping remedy that situation.

I have beautiful skirt in my closet I wanted to wear last year and couldn't quite fit into it and I'm in the same situation this year.

Being sick is forcing me on the couch again and I am tired and coughing and grumpy and I look like hell.

And all I do on this blog is complain.

I can't find the motivation.  I am sorry.  Me not being able to find it makes it hard to motivate anyone else.  If being a beachbody coach hadn't been so costly maybe I should have stuck with it, because at least then I put on a fake face and exercised every day.

The truth is, all I want is a normal body.  I normal one.  Not an overweight one.  I want to know what it's like to have a normal sized healthy body.  I don't want this huge gut and chunky thighs.  I've had them since junior high and I have hated them since junior high and I want them gone.  I am uncomfortable in my body.  I feel big and awkward.

The truth is: I don't have anyone monitoring my weight but me and I can choose to not report it here so it doesn't matter.  I'm not paying a doctor to monitor it so I won't be embarrassed if I don't lose like before.

I am tired and worn down from lack of sleep and trying to exercise and diet.  I don't want to do low calorie because I know it also lowers your metabolism.  I also know it is hard for me to stick with.  So is Weight Watchers (AND HELLO COSTLY).

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  Nick got me french fries the other day.  I broke the no eating out and I didn't even think about it.  He said he was going to get a gyro and I texted him and told him he should get lots of fries as a joke and he was like "Are you joking or serious" and in a split second I was serious.  He called me and said he would get them for me but that I couldn't get mad at him.

BUT I AM MAD A HIM!  He's supposed to help me.  He's supposed to tell me it won't help me reach my goals.  That I'm stronger than my want for french fries.  Because I can't seem to tell myself that.

The truth is: I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I don't know if I should ditch low carb, stay with low carb, try something else, etc.  I know focusing on exercise won't help because you can't out exercise a bad food plan.

Goal setting doesn't seem to help.

I'm so tired of it all.  How can I go from 252 at my highest weight to 190 now and HATE my body still?  I still feel big and awkward and clunky and gross.  And it doesn't matter if you or anyone else thinks I look good, if I FEEL LIKE CRAP, I feel like crap.  I'm overweight, borderline obese (196 is obese at my height), and not happy but not miserable enough to think about what I am really doing to my body.

And honestly, I just want to bake some damn Halloween cookies.