*sigh*
Day Four was awful. I won't lie. I did NOT stick to plan. It was grocery shopping day and I ate goldfish crackers and once I started I had a few more than just a few. Not a huge amount, but like, two servings for sure.
I'm still not motivated to exercise every day. I'm groggy in the morning, Lilly pulls at me, her wake-up time is unpredictable so waking up before her is a no-go, and with my sleep patterns and her sleep patterns and the fact that I want to spend time with Nick in the evenings, well, there goes working out at night.
Some people can say those are just excuses, and maybe they are, but there is a balance and I'm sorry but sleep and Nick are priorities. You cannot be healthy with no sleep.
Day Five has not been so bad. I did eat over 50 carbs but I tried. I didn't go crazy. I had extra low carb bread and some low carb ice cream which put me over. I will say, I did great in the morning but that MAY be due to the fact that I was consumed by a ridiculous visual novel game on my phone. Basically, it's like those books where you choose what happens next. Some of it is super interactive (like a chat room) and other bits are less so. The characters all all drawn like manga/anime. I say it's ridiculous because it was an otome game, which basically means outside of the plot line you choose a character as a love interest and the games I think are targeted towards teenage girls/girls in their young 20's. I'm 31 with a kid, I should have other things to do, but I guess I consider it like anyone who reads a romance novel and in the end, the story line went beyond the romance and had some pretty cool twists!
ANYWAY....
I'm writing this now because I can't sleep. It's 12:34. Did I mention I broke out the scale again? I couldn't help it. The first few days I saw loss, but now it jumped back up and I'm going crazy in my head. Why did it, what am I doing wrong. If I get rid of the scale will it crawl up?
I'm very disappointed in myself. I'm trying to log day by day so that I can be accountable, so that I can pretend people are reading and following and routing for me to meet my goal, but at the end of the day, I don't think anyone cares if I lose any more weight or not and I'm not enough. It sounds stupid. But I just can't get my mind into the game for myself. I am trying. I really, really am. But food wins over my willpower quite often.
And that damn scale. I hate to throw it out because it was expensive and I will freak. Well, not only that, but I fear if I throw it out I will no longer really care. I got rid of a lot of my bigger clothes that were nice, but I still have bigger jeans and my tshirts will always fit so I know that I could easily slip and gain it all back.
Well, I mean, look at me. For my birthday I made it down to 177 and I'm at 192 now. I was struggling then. So hard. Vowed I'd keep going, and I didn't. And here I am, above the 180's, close to being obese again.
I am sorry if anyone is following and I let you down. I'm letting myself down. I'm angry at myself. I just can't seem to do it, and there are so many other things I'd love to take the time to focus on too. My polymer clay, my drawing, my ninjutsu classes, Lilly, and yes, even taking the time to play that game. I think I have read one book since Lilly was born. I love read. I don't have much time to sit around and read like I used to. That ridiculous game only takes pieces of time here and there so it was totally doable.
How the hell do people make time for all of it? How do the handle it? How does it not drive them crazy? They exercise and meal prep and don't miss the junk food, they make it to their gym, and work, and all the stuff in between.
Now I'm rambling because I am up late and my brain is going crazy. So you all get it here. Sorry.
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