I Live With an Enabler

Enabler: a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another.

"he criticized her role as an enabler in her husband's pathological womanizing"

I live with an enabler.  He is my husband.

For the past year, I have maintained about a sixty pound weight loss.  "AMAZING!" you may say, but considering I am still overweight, and have about thirty more pounds to lose, and have been actively attempting weight loss for this past year, it's not so amazing in the end.

Now, it is not at all Nick's responsibility to get me to reach my goals.  I fully recognize that.  But there are behaviors that hinder me reaching my goals.

First, I want to be clear that I have a problem.  When presented with two options, one being on my low carb food plan and two being tasty and NOT on my food plan, I will choose number two without hesitation or thought.

For Nick, he doesn't quite understand this.  He's one of those people that all he has to do is decide he's going to do something for set amount of time and he does it.  It is not difficult for him to stay on track with whatever goal it may be, he does it.  Because he said he would.

For me it is much different.  I struggle.  Greatly.  It is an every day battle to fight towards my goals.  It is a mental push and some days the other side wins.  I need all the help I can get.

Nick has often asked me what he can do to help me.  I have told him over and over and over: DO NOT BUY ME FAST FOOD OR JUNK FOOD.  I will do whatever it takes to get it.  

This is not a lie.  I will mention it a billion times about how it sounds good, until he goes and gets it.  I will promise I won't get mad at him later for it.

But I have told him I will try all these these, and I have told him I do not want him to do these things, that he can go get food himself but please, please DO NOT ASK ME IF I WANT ANYTHING!  Because I will say "YES!" when it does nothing to help me reach my goals because in that moment all I am thinking about is food and how it tastes.

He once expressed that he felt bad if he went out for food himself, and didn't get me anything.  Like I was missing out on something.  We discussed it.  Yeah, I may feel like I am missing out at the time, and I could potentially be grumpy, but I can be grumpy because I missed out on some food or completely unhappy with how I look in the mirror because I ate it.

I wish I could be like him.  Set my mind to it and just do it.  Get it over with.  I wish with all my heart.  It would take pressure off me and off him, but that is not how I am.

I wish this was a simple plateau, but it's not.  It's me not controlling my eating.  Me losing that ability.  I've never 100% had that ability even when I was actively losing weight, I cheated more than I should have, but less than what effected me.  I would have reached goal in those first eight months had I stuck to my plan 100%.  But there were just too many days I couldn't.  Too many fast food runs, celebrations, invites out for one reason or another.  Situations where I cannot seem to make smart decisions for myself.  Boy do we all celebrate with food too!  Birthdays, holidays, any sort of get together.  Food.

Now, back to the enabling situation.  Yesterday Nick mentioned IHOP sounded good.  I had already been thinking about hashbrowns.  Which, on a low carb diet are contraband.  With both proceeded to look up coupons.  Once one was located we went.  Without question or thought, we went.  We used to go all the time when I was 230 pounds.  It's nice to go out to eat.  To have someone else cook, but I was also 230 pounds and obese.

Then, later, I hadn't even thought about dinner.  Being on low carb I almost always eat something different than everyone else.  So many family dishes that I know how to cook are full of carbs.  I'm a horrible cook too, by the way, and low carb options are few and far between on a budget.  So I mentioned that what I really wanted was pizza and pie.

Well, we sat around for awhile after that and Nick had to get gas and we go to Sam's Club for that because of the discount.  "Does Sam's have pizza?" Nick asks.  So I look it up, they do.  Of course.

He came home with a ginormous pizza and an equally large apple pie.  He says "with great power, comes great responsibility".  I think this entire past year proves I am horribly irresponsible when it comes to my eating habits.

I ate six squares of pizza (it was so large it had to be cut into squares), and two larger pieces of pie. 

After that I had told myself in my head that tomorrow (which is now today) I would get back on track and fully commit to myself.

But that pie was in the fridge this morning.  So I had a piece.  It was so good, in fact, that I had another.

I cut a piece out for Nick, stuck it in a tupperware, and am seriously considering throwing the rest out, though Nick thought we could freeze the rest of it.  But if we freeze it, it's still there for me to eat again someday.  Because I can't stay out of it.  Because it's apple pie and it's one of my favorites and it's quite delicious and sounds way better than eggs or baked chicken for the 1,000th time.

Instead of asking me "Does Sam's have pizza?"  I really, really wish he would have said "Yeah, it does sound good, but it doesn't get you closer to your goals."

That's the ideal answer.  It's not about commenting on how much I've ate when I eat it.  No, that makes me pissed off, but when I bring up bad food, saying "But it doesn't help you reach your goals" is such a helpful way to make me really, really think about it.  The next step after that, even if I say I don't care, would be saying "yes you do", and then NOT GOING TO GO GET ME FOOD!

Why am I sharing this publicly?  Because our conversations in the past seem not to help, and I am back up to 189.8 after having reached 177.6 just after my birthday.  So in less than a month I have gained back 12.2 pounds keeping me in the 180's doing the same dance I've done for the past YEAR.  How many times have I lost these same 12 pounds over and over again this past year I cannot even tell you.

All I know, is that I need more long-term support at home.  I can't do this alone.  I thought Beachbody would help but it was an added stressor.  Add on that we have a special function to go to on September 10th and I am already dreading it because I know I will be presented with food choices that aren't in line with my goals.  It makes me anxious to be honest.  I worry about following plan at functions because I worry people will comment and to be honest, it makes me uncomfortable to think people watch my food.  "Did you have enough?"  "Do you want more?"  All questions that give me anxiety because you don't want to be rude or seem like you're not eating, but so often options in line with low-carb aren't available and I hate drawing attention to myself.  Like, being in the spotlight makes me really uncomfortable.

But I just want to be healthy.  I am still overweight, I want to FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, step on the scale and be in the "normal" weight range.  I haven't been a normal weight since at least junior high.  I want to know what that looks like.  I want to know what it's like to have an occasion to go to and not be worried about what I'll look like when I have to sit down.

But I need help to reach my goals.  I need not to be presented with options that go against my low carb plan.  YES, I have tried this past year to switch it up and do another plan that was not low-carb and that was also a cheat fest and I did not lose weight.  So please, please, don't suggest that to me because yes, I tried it, and no, it did not work.

As an end note, if a family member has goals, whatever they may be, don't enable their bad habits that prevent them from reaching them.  It may seem helpful in the moment but in the long run you are doing nothing but damaging them.

When the Faire is Over

I know it's been awhile since I have posted.  I haven't been exercising and I've sort of been following my food plan.  up to 182.  I guess that's okay.  I'm not happy with it but I'm also in this "I don't really care right now" phase because I'm really, really tried of following food plans.  I have changed it up.  It's not that low carb isn't working, it does, it's that I don't have the motivation to follow it and right now no food plan would really work because I don't really feel like tracking any sort of plan.  That's just the truth of it.

I've bee working on sewing projects for my garb for Ren faire.  I had two failed corsets, one failed pouch, a successful-ish pouch, a successful shirt, and some bracers.  I received my bodice as an early, early, early Christmas gift (mother's day and birthday were used up when I bought the Beauty and the Beast tickets), and I sold an old bodice to buy my new skirt.

Still really not pleased with the look.  I went with purple because I didn't like the company I went withs greens and now I want a green outfit.  I've attempted to sell a few more pieces that no longer fit as well as a baby carrier that I never used but is $200 new with no luck.

We went to the faire and I had a lovely time.  Lilly was left behind with her grandma and we were free to just enjoy the day.  Nick played Pokemon Go because the faire had tons of stops and a few gyms and I mainly people watched.  It was kinda glorious.  I saw a beautiful green hat that actually looked good on me (most hats don't) but with no monies I no gets the pretties.

Anyway, now it is after the faire.  It is over and I have nothing to look forward to.  The downstairs is a total disaster filled with scraps of fabric and some other crafts I have yet to pick up.  I'd been working until Lilly woke up from her nap or it was time to go to bed so I haven't exactly had the most time to pick up.

I did get to visit an old friend last week too, and that was enjoyable as well.  When you become a mom if you don't schedule time to yourself you don't have time to yourself.  You give up those long weekends of crafting, or reading, or the ability to just go anywhere without even realizing it.  I know Lilly is also more demanding than other kids her age.  I can't have my computer out, I have to constantly watch her or interact with her so that she doesn't try to climb on anything she shouldn't.  Which is fine, she's my daughter, I love spending time with her.  But you sacrifice the time for yourself.

So yeah, where am I even going with this post?  Well, I'm just blah again.  I felt so relaxed at the fair for the most part and now I'm back to just taking care of Lilly and the house.  The house is neglected.  Badly.  But I don't exactly feel like woman of the year when I do clean it up.  It's not rewarding in the least.  Other than to see a clean house and laundry all put away.

I got myself so stressed out exercising and trying to loose weight for my Beachbody business that while I know I should get back to the grind I am totally put off that idea.

I want fabric to make a few more pieces of garb for myself but I can't find the fabric I want at a reasonable price or in the US.

I hate this blah empty feeling.  I hate it.  I need time to myself, I need to work on my weight loss, I want to craft, I want to figure out how to make money.  I feel like a whiny record but I'm 31, I need a purpose or a passion in life that is not just my daughter but dear god I need the time for that passion too.

How the hell do people get out of these ruts?  How do I figure it out?  Right now I really need a work from home job that is not direct marketing.  But like, nobody has those.  Unless they have a marketable skill.  Which, I honestly don't have.

And if anyone can tell me where to find green taffeta that is not puke olive and not $20 a yard or in Thailand that would be awesome.

I'm just frustrated as hell.  I need to figure it all out and I don't even know where to start.

Because I Haven't Written In Awhile

I haven't fallen off the wagon!  I promise!

I hit 179 the day before my birthday, and put the scale back away.  I did have cake (a teal and pink Monster High one I made for myself!), and a birthday meal (which turned to be a bit of a disaster due to the taco place making my tacos wrong!) and I had dessert at a family gathering the other night.  But I have remained focused the rest of the time.

I will step on the scale at the end of the month and see where I'm at to set myself up for August.  I think weighing in once every few weeks is a good way to keep track without getting back into the bad habit of scale obsession.  Once a week is too much for me and I slip into bad habits of weighing in multiple times a day.  I can definitely say that I am much happier on a daily basis regarding food and eating.

I haven't worked out for about a week because I wanted food to be my focus like when I originally started my journey.  It has also been hellishly hot and running as not been an option.  Or at least, not for me.  I will not run in 90+ degree weather.  I don't feel like passing out from heat stroke thank you very much.

I have been doing some crafting and some sewing.  I attempted to make myself a corset for the Renaissance Faire because I have shrunk out of mine (at about $200 each that is a hard blow.  I've had both pieces for about ten years but they are like new and it makes me sad) but I also tried drafting my own pattern for them and it did not go well at all.  It was rather sad to be honest.  Nick was so kind as to let me order a new one, which is adjustable and I will shrink into, as an early early Christmas present.  It is very different than the other pieces I had, in that it is PURPLE, and not the standard black, so I do forsee some more sewing in my future in the way of shirts and skirts, which I am very good at sewing.

I also made some polymer clay baby fairies, or they will be fairies, one has a test run of wings, but I melted the cellophane too much.  The technique I used can also be done with large wings, for children and adults, so you bet I will be crafting some in the future for Lilly and I.  Because why not?  You use an embossing gun (for scrapbooking) to heat up the cellophane around a wire base and it gets pretty hard but is lightweight and so pretty!

Leftover Easter basket cellophane, it got crinkled up.  If you use fresh cellophane the wings are glassy.

Without wings.  I painted these ones and used chalk pastel for shading, opposed to the other one, which was all paint.  They need a coat of setting spray before I apply wings.

The wire I originally bought for the wings is too stiff, so I plan on using it to sculpt some Elf ear cuffs.  If you haven't seen them, type it into Pinterest, there are some amazing ones!  I've never wire wrapped before so I know I'm going to have to learn a lot. Elf Ear Cuff's on Pinterest!

I also made a purchase of two new Monster High dolls.  I have a small collection, if you didn't know, and Mattel has rebooted the line with a new, brighter look.  I've been mostly underwhelmed with the new dolls hitting the shelves but the Moanica D'Kay was so fab with her brains purse and ribcage jewelry I used birthday money to get a two pack of her and Draculara, whose new face paint I like more because her character has always been bubbly.

Moanica D'Kay and new Draculara.  Her purse is a brain and her earrings are worms!  Her boots are also brains.

The collection.  I won some in an online contest and have purchased some.  I also have a Disney Merida, her mother Elinor, and her father Fergus as well as a few Barbies and vintage 1960's Barbies in poor condition.  I really regret donating all my childhood dolls.  I had ALL the Disney dolls.  One day, I want Lilly to be able to play with them!

I have always, and will always, love dolls and cartoons.  Disney, anime, I even like My Little Pony.  They are bright, and happy, and colorful.  So much of being an adult is not.  We rush as kids to grow up for freedom but in reality you have so much more of it as a kid.  The dolls and cartoons add fun and brightness to my every day life.  Same with Renaissance Faires and costuming.

So, that's what I've been up to!  I am thankful for those that follow, read, and my one comment, and I apologize for my rant post.  Sometimes I get really down, depression runs in my family and while I have mine under control I do think it can really rear it's ugly head every now and then.  I think one of the main things was that I was really disappointed Beachbody didn't work out for me, and I need more of an identity than mommy.  I love Lilly with all my heart but when I was spending all my time on her and working out I was burning myself out, so the crafting as been a nice thing for me.

Nick and I have discussed me taking an adult enrichment class once a week, and I'll be looking into an art class most likely.  It's sad though, the community centers had a few I wanted to join, like cartoon drawing, but they were for under 18 years of age!  I don't think I'll ever fully grow up!

Feeling Like I Don't Have a Plan or Purpose

The past few days since I've ended my attempt at being a Beachbody coach have left me a bit depressed.  I wanted to help people lose weight, get healthy, be happy, and make money doing it.

Not having any income to call my own really bothers me.  Being on as tight of a budget at we are really bothers me.  We definitely are doing better than many people but there are things I wish I could help with or think less about, such as updating my wardrobe or sticking so close to the grocery budget.

Prior to becoming a Beachbody coach I looked into starting a Home Kitchen Operation making baked goods.  Because I do love baking and decorating cakes and cookies.  However, due to Illinois law and the county and city our home resides in I am unable to do so.  I would have to work with the City of Aurora to add in an amendment to their municipal code and they don't even address this particular law because they use the county health department but the county refuses to address individual cities for the home kitchen law.  I could sell at Farmers Markets but with the cost for a booth and Nick in school it wasn't an option.  I'd have to take Lilly and we all know how well that would go!

I currently am still a licensed massage therapist but my license is up at the end of the year.  I am choosing not to renew it.  The continuing education courses are costly and most therapists get paid per massage, which is difficult for me because my body doesn't seem to like doing more than four a day.  Working in a chiropractic office was great to compensate for this but the hours were not.  Split shifts every day, basically gone for 12 hours a day because of it.  With Nick in school being gone eleven hours a day himself for work and sometimes more with school finding a daycare provider for those hours was out of the question.  Among other things.

Due to his current school schedule and study needs getting a retail job on weekends is also out of the question.  Lilly demands attention and engagement and he would not be able to study while I was at work.  Working on weekends and holidays would also limit family time greatly.

I want to help provide financially for my family.  I don't expect a disposable income, but I would like to worry less about buying things I may want for myself and my family.

I am good at crafting but not great in any special area.  I like to sew and have always wanted to know how to actually construct my own patterns so I was thinking of taking a class or two, just for fun so I could create better costume pieces and came across a local community colleges Fashion certificate program and was kind of interested.  It had basics on sewing, draping, and pattern drafting, as well as couture techniques among many other useful sewing skills.  I am a hands on learner and youtube doesn't always help me.

But once again, like the home kitchen operations, Illinois sort of screwed me over.  They have community college districts and if you aren't in a particular district you have to pay out-of-district fees.  $152 per credit hour for in-district compared to $360 something out-of-district.  HUGE cost difference.  Do you want to know where the district line is?  The train tracks behind our town home.  We are on the wrong side of those tracks.  The district we are in, does not offer a similar Fashion program.

It's like the Home Kitchen Operations disappointment all over again, because you see, if I lived in the city next to us, I could bake and sell cakes and cookies from my kitchen.  Wanna know where that line is?  The train tracks south of her and a bit to the east.  Right on the line of both.  It feels like I'm cheated.

I want to be so much more than just Lilly's mom.  I want to have purpose.  I don't have friends I hang out with.  Likely even if I had friends who did want to hang out with me, I wouldn't be able to go because of budget and Lilly and Nick's schedule.

I hate that I am almost 31 and still have no life plan.  I feel like a failure in this aspect.  No career track.  Many things prevented me from getting a real college degree and I kick myself every day for not doing so.  Even if it meant working a job I hated at least I'd have a decent income to help provide for my family so Nick wasn't carrying all the financial burden.

So that is where I am at. I feel like I have no plan or purpose to my life past taking care of my daughter and pretending to take care of the house (because dishes and laundry routinely pile up). I am eating according to my low carb plan so that is good.  Terrified it isn't working since I put the scale up but I'm trying to trust the process.

One Scale To Rule Them All and in the Darkness Bind Them!

Seriously.  Let's talk about the evil scale.

Last year, I threw my old scale out.  It was driving me crazy because it was all over the place as far as accuracy.  But then, after my wisdom tooth removal and getting off track with my eating I freaked out and went and bought a new one.

I've tried to get rid of it a few times, or well, put it in another room and forget it, but it kept coming back.

Last night I took the batteries out, threw them away, and put the scale up.

I had seriously forgotten one of the major reasons I had started this journey in the first place: HEALTH.  That's right.  My health.  Now, at 242 pounds that scale number was rather important to my health.  At 180-something not so much.  I am still overweight by all basic standards but after so long trying to reach a healthy weight I had become obsessed with the scale and was using it to determine all progress.  It just doesn't work that way when you're building muscle and whatnot!  Add on the fact that women can gain 5-10 pounds during their period, it really isn't the best tool to use.

Neither, for me, is the tape measure.  Because I can bloat and I can bloat bad.  Usually induced by carbs I can see two inches of bloat on my stomach.  I can feel when I am, I can see when I am, but sometimes I still crack that tape measure out to see.  Then I get depressed.

Now, this won't happen to everyone.  I am someone who has lived my entire life pretty much not liking what I see in the mirror.  That's right.  Even now I look in the mirror and I fail to like my body.  I've never known what it is like to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.  Even on my wedding day I looked into the mirror with disappointment.  I was pregnant and had gained weight and my dress didn't fit at all like I wanted it to.  When I look at pictures from my wedding that is about all that I see.  

So, of course with those issues which I am sure many women and men have, the scale and the tape measure aren't really my friends.

I needed to take a step back, remember my daughter, who will be watching my every move, and put the scale up.  I was stepping on it several times a day.  I became way too familiar with how my weight could and would fluctuate and it started creeping into my eating habits.  As in, I was become afraid to eat.

This, my friends, is how eating disorders are developed I'm pretty sure.  So I'm stopping myself before it gets out of control and I will focus on getting back to low carb which has worked for me when other food plans haven't, and tracking what I eat and working out to get strong.

Because I tell Lilly I am working out to get strong and when I put on my exercise clothes she says "Mama exercise, mama get strong" and I want her to keep that in her head.  That exercise is for getting strong, not losing weight.  I don't want her thinking I hate my body, and developing those same hateful thoughts.  It's why I teach her "we love our tummies" even when I don't love mine.  I will fake it until I make it because I'll be damned if she grows up with my insecurities.

So, back to the basics.  Low carb for more than a few days, tracking what I eat, and hopefully just seeing the changes through pictures.  Eventually I'll pull the scale back out, but for now, the important part is stress free progress.

Bad Days and Letting Go

This picture was done on my digital camera and is so dang blurry.

Today is a bad day.  That's okay.

We all have bad days.  Our weights will bounce all over the place sometimes.  I am retaining water, and it is bothering me because the scale no longer reflects the past two weeks.

I posted about this bad day on my personal Facebook page.  I also posted about my struggles with that, and my Beachbody business on my team group.

I was told to be careful posting the negative stuff on my personal Facebook page because it was bad for sales.

Well, let me tell you about my sales:  I had none.  I tried.  I did.  I was wanting to and hoping to change lives.  I wanted so bad to show people it could be done.  It can be done, and I wanted to make some money doing it because as a stay at home mom I really want to contribute income to my family to ease the budget a bit.

But I had a hard time making new connections and old ones already had coaches.  Or they weren't interested.  The coach fee is only $15 a month but that adds up when things are tight.

Then to be told not to post about the reality of weight loss struggles on my personal page.  Nope.  Not going to do it.  Not for me.  I am real.

Weight loss is HARD.  There are no pills or wraps or easy outs.  You have to eat right and exercise is good for you (I lost 25 pounds just by changing my diet).  You will reach a plateau.  Just about every Instagram account I follow, which is a lot, I am witnessing women who have done awesome but are currently or recently struggling to move forward.

I witness women who have emotional eating problems.  Stress eating problems.  Bored eating problems.  Binge eating problems.  All women who have been successful but that may be experiencing a plateau.

With two inches of bloat around my waist no, I'm not going to be happy and thrilled and peppy about it, and I won't hide it or lie about it.  It's reality.  I am in a plateau, it is not easy, I have been here since October, I am doing the right things, I am retaining water, and I am upset about it and I was up since 2 am crying on and off about it.

That is the TRUTH.  I am having a bad day.  It happens in this journey, there are many of them.

LETTING GO:

Trying to make the Beachbody business work for me was stressing me out.  I was witnessing many women be very successful at it and was not seeing it for myself while trying to maintain a household budget because I don't work.  I was trying to make new connections and post and show progress and work on progress and take care of Lilly who doesn't sleep I swear, and it just was stressing me out.

It works for people and I still like the products.  I will still follow 21 Day Fix until the end and I will probably do another round or so.  I am keeping my On Demand because it's one heck of a deal, and I have cancelled my coach status.

This frees me up to review all sorts of things and products and just to be myself and focus once again 100% on me.  I saw some AMAZING women do some great things with coaching, but ultimately I could not make it work for me.  I would say the biggest reason is because I refused to cold invite people I did not know.  It didn't feel right and as a previous post which I have to edit some, my ethics wouldn't allow me to do so.

If it doesn't feel right, if it's not working, it's time to change.  Nick gave me three months for the Beachbody coaching to work and he graciously let me continue past that (I say graciously because he is the one working to put food in front of my face while I neglect the dishes and laundry that piles up), but I think it was time to let it go.

My hope moving forward is to continue with this blog and my Instagram and my business page, which I have changed to the Have Your Cake and Fitness Too page.  I'm in the process of deleting all the Beachbody info (I have to get rid of anything that looks like I am a coach) but I plan on adding more helpful and inspiring and FUN things.

I want us all to succeed.  I do.  I want nothing more than my family and friends to be happy and healthy.  If I can help you, I will do that.  Now it just comes free, as it should have always been.

A Little Catch Up

I know it's been awhile since I've posted but I've really wanted to have something to write about and I just haven't had much.

I saw no weight loss on my June 30th weigh in, but that's okay after a larger week previously (it was 3.8 or something the week before).  My husband and I didn't have anywhere to go for the 4th of July weekend so the worst I managed to eat was some taco pizza on the 3rd.

My birthday is July 21st and Beachbody extended the sale of 21 Day Fix through July so I started a new round on the 1st.  21 Days until my birthday, trying to get into the 170's, I figured it only made sense.

That leads into my goals for the month.  I'm really trying to get back my serious focus because I'm tried of being in the 180's.  The only person who can help me do that is me!  My goal is to be 179 by my birthday and if I'm lucky 174 at the end of the month!  174 would be my smallest high school weight that I know of.  I was 174 my sophomore year.  Once I hit that goal, my journey is 100% fresh and new.  I won't have any idea what my body will look like after that point.

On the exercise front, I ran my first 5K!  It was NOT a race.  I decided to go for a run when I was feeling anxious and after a bit I decided to see how far I could go, and ended up pushing myself to do the 3.1 miles.  My average pace was 12:03 so not fast by any means but an accomplishment all the same.

So that is about where I am.  Five days of 21 Day Fix down, counting down to my birthday, and hoping to be rid of the 180's for good!