Feeling Like I Don't Have a Plan or Purpose

The past few days since I've ended my attempt at being a Beachbody coach have left me a bit depressed.  I wanted to help people lose weight, get healthy, be happy, and make money doing it.

Not having any income to call my own really bothers me.  Being on as tight of a budget at we are really bothers me.  We definitely are doing better than many people but there are things I wish I could help with or think less about, such as updating my wardrobe or sticking so close to the grocery budget.

Prior to becoming a Beachbody coach I looked into starting a Home Kitchen Operation making baked goods.  Because I do love baking and decorating cakes and cookies.  However, due to Illinois law and the county and city our home resides in I am unable to do so.  I would have to work with the City of Aurora to add in an amendment to their municipal code and they don't even address this particular law because they use the county health department but the county refuses to address individual cities for the home kitchen law.  I could sell at Farmers Markets but with the cost for a booth and Nick in school it wasn't an option.  I'd have to take Lilly and we all know how well that would go!

I currently am still a licensed massage therapist but my license is up at the end of the year.  I am choosing not to renew it.  The continuing education courses are costly and most therapists get paid per massage, which is difficult for me because my body doesn't seem to like doing more than four a day.  Working in a chiropractic office was great to compensate for this but the hours were not.  Split shifts every day, basically gone for 12 hours a day because of it.  With Nick in school being gone eleven hours a day himself for work and sometimes more with school finding a daycare provider for those hours was out of the question.  Among other things.

Due to his current school schedule and study needs getting a retail job on weekends is also out of the question.  Lilly demands attention and engagement and he would not be able to study while I was at work.  Working on weekends and holidays would also limit family time greatly.

I want to help provide financially for my family.  I don't expect a disposable income, but I would like to worry less about buying things I may want for myself and my family.

I am good at crafting but not great in any special area.  I like to sew and have always wanted to know how to actually construct my own patterns so I was thinking of taking a class or two, just for fun so I could create better costume pieces and came across a local community colleges Fashion certificate program and was kind of interested.  It had basics on sewing, draping, and pattern drafting, as well as couture techniques among many other useful sewing skills.  I am a hands on learner and youtube doesn't always help me.

But once again, like the home kitchen operations, Illinois sort of screwed me over.  They have community college districts and if you aren't in a particular district you have to pay out-of-district fees.  $152 per credit hour for in-district compared to $360 something out-of-district.  HUGE cost difference.  Do you want to know where the district line is?  The train tracks behind our town home.  We are on the wrong side of those tracks.  The district we are in, does not offer a similar Fashion program.

It's like the Home Kitchen Operations disappointment all over again, because you see, if I lived in the city next to us, I could bake and sell cakes and cookies from my kitchen.  Wanna know where that line is?  The train tracks south of her and a bit to the east.  Right on the line of both.  It feels like I'm cheated.

I want to be so much more than just Lilly's mom.  I want to have purpose.  I don't have friends I hang out with.  Likely even if I had friends who did want to hang out with me, I wouldn't be able to go because of budget and Lilly and Nick's schedule.

I hate that I am almost 31 and still have no life plan.  I feel like a failure in this aspect.  No career track.  Many things prevented me from getting a real college degree and I kick myself every day for not doing so.  Even if it meant working a job I hated at least I'd have a decent income to help provide for my family so Nick wasn't carrying all the financial burden.

So that is where I am at. I feel like I have no plan or purpose to my life past taking care of my daughter and pretending to take care of the house (because dishes and laundry routinely pile up). I am eating according to my low carb plan so that is good.  Terrified it isn't working since I put the scale up but I'm trying to trust the process.