Have Your Cake! Or brownie...

I haven't done ANY cake decorating posts on this page.  I've had to stay away from baking almost anything because I have no self control.  However, I got this fabulous brownie pan for Christmas and I really, really wanted to try it out, and then dip said brownies in chocolate and cover in sprinkles.

I used a basic "family size" Pillsbury brownie box mix, and scooped about 1 1/2 cookie scoops into each cup of my Pampered Chef brownie pan.  I cooked those last night.  One box filled the pan and then there was maybe one brownies worth of batter left.  I may have ate some of the batter.  But that's okay.

You will need:

Almond Bark.  I used 1/2 a package. (so six of the small squares)

Pre-baked brownies!

A double boiler.  AKA a bot of boiling water and a metal or glass pan. set atop it.

A drying rack.

Sprinkles!

First step is to chop up the chocolate.  Don't ask me why, but I neglected to take a picture of the chopped up chocolate.  
                                     

Second Step: Make a giant mess moving chocolate into double boiler.  Stir, stir, stir the chocolate.  Keep stirring until it is all melted.

  Third Step: Observe, melted almond bark!  Turn off the burner or you risk burning the chocolate.  Burn chocolate is NOT yummy.

Fourth step: Using a fork dip brownie squares into chocolate, rotate, pull out of pan and put on drying rack. Sprinkle with sprinkles.  I covered most of the brownies, but also tested dipping half and dipping the top.  I didn't think the half dipped were as pretty so I only did one, and then I did two with just the top covered.  They're just as pretty but overall I like the fully covered one.

Fifth Step:  Let the chocolate cool.  Almond bark is made to set quickly, I say these were probably about a half hour.

Final Step: Look at the pretty brownies and then eat them!  Or one.  Since you know, weight loss.

I actually don't plan on eating any of these.  I'm weird and don't like anything on my brownies.  I just like plain old brownies.  These were really quite easy to do, and I think anyone could make them.  I do also think you don't have to have the Pampered Chef brownie pan BUT, because the pan has you cook individual brownies, there are no crumbs in the chocolate.  I think if you baked a tray of brownies and then cut them and tried to dip them you'd definitely get crumbs in the chocolate tossing the brownies around.

As for me, and my weight loss goals.  I may have dug that scale out of that bag I put it in the other day.  I was just finding it really hard to get back on 100% track even with my meal prep and plan and sometimes I need to see how bad I've let it go to get that fire lit again.  Turns out, I was magically 189.  So, not the 185 and I won't make it to 180 by tomorrow (Valentine's Day) but NOT the 194-196 I was actually expecting after last week.

My doctor's appointment is a week from tomorrow and I'm really going to try to be 182.  That'll be a 10 pound loss since the last visit a month ago, and that's really reasonable.  I still want to end the month at 177.  If I stay true to my food plan and exercise five days a week, I KNOW I can accomplish that goal.  I also know life doesn't always go according to plan and that is why I have struggled so much.  Because I keep letting life take me off track.  

My goal for end of March is 170.  I want to buy myself something for making it to 170 but I can't for the life of me think of something that would push me towards that goal.  But I think a big prize or something I really want but wouldn't normally buy would help me work for it.  So I plan on thinking about it these next couple days.

Anyway, hope you like my quick and un-detailed brownie tutorial! 

Plugging Away

Oh man, am I disappointed in myself.  I made it to 185.2 and had a cheat meal that turned into cheat day, then had another one a few days later on the weekend, and then this past week a death in the family meant I ate whatever I wanted without much thought.

I can tell you I'm likely in the 190's again.

I can also tell you that I threw out my scale.  When I had a good day I'd use it as an excuse for lienancy, and when I had a bad day I used it as an excuse to say "Well what does it matter anyway?".  I weigh in with my doctor once a month and that's not going to change anytime soon so I figured why do I need a scale at home?

My plan moving forward (because how many plans have I started and stopped, right?), is to try meal prepping and to do a round of 21 Day Fix as well as continuing running.

Losing weight is for health but for me the main reason I continue is how I look in clothes.  Sure, it's superficial, but when I went shopping this past week I was too big for the regular stores and too small for the plus size stores and I had a freak out moment of "I'm not going to be able to find anything appropriate to wear".  It was close guys, it was really close.

I carry a lot of my weight in my belly (it grows forward of course) and legs.  This makes dresses almost impossible to buy because my top half is two sizes different than the bottom.  A dress for me is never off the rack unless it is A-line and I discovered adult stores do not carry A-line dresses that are nice for women.  They're all sheath dresses.  Well, I look five months pregnant in sheath dresses.  No I will not wear spanx.  If I'm uncomfortable it shows, and I tug at my clothes and then worry the entire time if I look okay.  It's just not worth it.

I also found out navy shoes in size 10 that are not heels are also impossible to find on short notice.  I really need to build a wardrobe but I've been losing weight (ha ha ha) and haven't wanted to spend month on clothes.

The truth is, I'm in the same spot this year, as I was last year.  I'm still in the 180's/190's and have been.  I cannot get a grip on my eating habits.  I'm good for about a week or two and then fizzle out.

I wish I could explain it.  It should be so simple as to say "no, I don't want to/can't have/am not going to eat that".  For some people it is.  There are days I'm eating something and I think to myself "this makes no sense, I'm going to regret this later" and I do it anyway.  It's compulsive, it's confusing.  Most people do not understand.

My idea is to really try to get back to where I was mentally when I first started the low carb diet.  I'm going to allow myself one 20 oz diet soda a week with a small bag of chips, and keep to low carb (20-50 carbs per day) all the other days of the week and meals.  60 Days of this.  No eating out.  Under no circumstances.  I am strong, and I can do this.  Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

With exercise, I made it to 177 back in July by doing 21 Day Fix and running.  I could tell the fat was thinning out on my legs and belly.  That wasn't all from just getting down to 177.  That was from my workouts and I need to work on building muscle in addition to cardio.

I have to be honest, I'm tired of having to worry about all of this.  It's probably why I struggle.  I wish I didn't have to worry about food or exercise.  That I could go through life not worrying about how many carbs or calories are in what meal.  I have yet to really build a love of exercise.  I hate doing it.  I get sore, I sweat, it's hard to breath.  No matter how fit you are, that's what proper exercise is and I dislike it.  Even the dance videos get old to me.  It is what it is.  I do it because I know I have to.  But I'm tired of it all.

I am still trying though.  Because I am unhappy with my appearance.  So I will continue to try until I meet my goal or just cannot try any more.

Wish me luck, I need it.

February Goals

Happy February!

My goal for this year was to lose around 10 pounds per month, happy to say I started January at 196 and this morning I was at 185.2!  This is a big accomplishment for me, even though I've seen 185 before, because it's been awhile that I've seen 185, and it means I'm really back on track.

I had a blip around mid-January, and a slow start to January to be honest, but I have worked my butt of making sure to mostly eat on plan and workout.

So let's talk my goals!

This month, my overall goal is to make it to 177 by March 1st.  This is not 10 pounds, but February is short.

Mid-Month goal, or Feb 14th goal (a week before my doctors appointment) is 180 lbs.

For exercise I want to get in 5 workouts a week.  This can be running, or DVD's.  I don't really care so long as it's a real workout.  Which could be as little as one mile on the treadmill at a decent pace to be honest.  Just so long as I make an effort.  Some days don't go so well as others, if Lilly sleeps poorly I won't be waking up before she does and able to workout.  Sometimes she lets me do a DVD in the morning, sometimes she hangs off me the whole time and I don't get it done.  But I'll make an effort to sincerely try.

I want to get back to my July weight of 177 (it was actually 177.8), and start moving forward past that.  I want to succeed this year.

I have moved my overall weight goal to 164 from 155.  164 just sounds more attainable to me, and it puts me in an average weight BMI, and while BMI is not the end all be all, it will still be satisfying for me to see because doctors do use that.  When I hit 164, I'll assess how I feel about my body and move forward from there.  Again, as an adult I was never under 200 and as a high school student 174 was the lowest weight I can recall.  Anything under that is new territory.  So I think setting a goal not as low will be a good start for me to start really looking at my body as it is.  Some days I still look in the mirror (or at a photo) and see that 240 pound person.  It's a mental thing and it's common, so I don't want to put in this effort and not physically see it.  If that makes sense.

Running wise, I need some better running socks, I currently have a blister on the arch of my right foot.  I have socks made for working out but having borrowed Nick's running socks (that I bought him when I worked in Downer's Grove) I know mine aren't even close to as nice as his.  Which is likely why I have a blister, or the new tennis shoes.

My mile itself have overall improved.  I'm regularly running my two miles at 4.5 or 5 mph.  It's a push for me, but I can handle it easier than when we first got the treadmill.  I find running on the treadmill is a lot more difficult physically than outside.  I don't know why, it just is.  I'm ready for Spring.  Is it Spring yet?

Anyway short list for February:

• 180 lbs by February 14th
• 177 by March 1st
• Exercise 5 days a week

Hello and Goodbye

We have a treadmill on our way today!  Thanks goes to my in-laws and my husband.  He decided instead of saving the Christmas money they give us every year to invest in the treadmill.  I used to have a used elliptical but too many moves broke it beyond repair and it's been a really nice coat hanger for well over a year now.

So Hello for the treadmill!  Easy cardio here I come! I love my DVD's but sometimes I don't want to do a ton of different exercises.

I have ninjutsu later tonight but since this is my last month I'm not as excited as normal.  They gave me December and January free but we honestly cannot afford the monthly cost and with Nick's school schedule I can't go as often as I need to learn at a decent pace because I need lots of repetition and practice.  It's very difficult to practice ninjutsu by yourself.  Add on once I ever make it to yellow belt the cost goes up and I'd need to attend more classes, it just doesn't work right now.  It makes me sad, I enjoyed it, it was empowering, but I can't be dedicated to it like I need to be and the cost is high when you can only go two times a week.

I plan on finding another class, be it cake decorating or art or some other kind of something.  I need to make sure I'm getting out of the house by myself.  Lilly doesn't do well in stores still (I miss my baby that sat in the cart happily the whole time) and so if we do go anywhere it's more stressful and rather quick than anything.

So Goodbye ninjutsu.

Low carb is working.  I'm not sticking to it every day, but I was at 189.2 on Sunday.  Because of my planner I am counting the week Sunday thru Saturday and at the end of the week I'm counting carb days, non-carb days, and pounds lost.  I hope to improve every week.  Last week I had three carb days so this week I am shooting for four.  A few of those days I was just over my 50 carbs so that may have contributed to my success despite only three days of truly on plan.

Support is nice, until it's hurtful

I bought McDonald's last night.  I bought for myself and Lilly, while Nick was at class.  It was a rough day.  Lilly was into all sorts of things, we were stuck inside the house, I was looking up stuff for us to do, I told her "no" and she hit me.

She's hit before.  It's not often and it's only when she's super upset.  We're working on it.

Anyway, this led to me sitting on the kitchen floor crying out of frustration and my dearest Lilly coming up to me, rubbing my head and asking "Are you okay?"

Which led to me telling her she could have whatever she wanted for dinner and she asked for french fries.

I bought for both of us.

Of course Nick saw this and texted me "I'm disappointed that you got it for yourself when we are supposed to be working towards meeting your goal"

We.  We?  "We're" working towards me losing weight.  I guess.

Well, I decided I was disappointed in myself enough that he didn't need to be disappointed in me and from this point on he'll have no part in my weight loss journey.  He won't keep my scale for me (I found it and took it back), he won't ask about my day or my food, he won't know how it is or isn't going.  Life will be like I am not even attempting to lose weight.  If he asks if I want fast food or to go to a restaurant or whatever it will be up to me and only me to say no.  I will not tell him not to ask me those things because I always say yes.  Because that's an unfair burden on him.

I can't do it.  I wanted him for support but I can't have someone like my husband being disappointed in me for one bad day when I AM trying.  Maybe he doesn't get that it's easy for me to slip up or to fall back to food for emotional support.  I know he doesn't.  I know he's very logical.  That words he thinks are encouraging and would be encouraging for him are in fact words that hurt me and hinder me and honestly made me want to eat the whole house and then some.  "I'm disappointed".  I wanted to eat whatever we had.  But we didn't have much and so I didn't.

So he will not be my support in any form.  Because support is not "We are working hard"  Support is "I'm trying hard to help you reach your goal".  Not "We are working hard"  Because the one doing most of the work and worry and dealing with food, well, that's ME.  And his words pissed me off because it is hardest on ME.  And he hasn't been doing a whole lot to help me meet my goal anyway, so it really IS me.

ANYWAY....other than that, we have a treadmill on the way and I've been adding things to my Amazon wishlist out of boredom.  I painted my nails, I've drawn a little, put the Christmas decor in the garage and organized the bedroom again.  I put boxes of clothes in my trunk to donate and cleared out some trash.  There are dishes to be done but not many.  I'll survive.  I will do this.  I will be successful.

And my husband will not have to stress out about it because it will be as if it isn't even happening.

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017!

2016.

The year everyone hated.

I tell you what, almost all of the weight loss accounts I follow on Instagram either didn't lose in 2016 or they gained back part or all, of their loss  It appears that that is part of the process for a good majority of people.

The important thing I take away from it is that I could have gained weight back but I didn't.  I kept pushing, I kept trying, through all the tough spots and back and forth between 179 and 190, I stayed pretty steady.  I maintained.  I kept fighting.

2017.  A year for a new story to be written, or finished.  I'll consider 2016 my writer's block.

Today marks Day 3 of honest effort to remain on track with carbs.  I had been "back on low carb" enough in 2016 but was not doing my best.  I was sneaking Lilly's snacks, I was having too many cheat days (which are okay!  Just not...three or four times plus a week.), I wasn't actively counting all carbs.

The past two days have been difficult.  I am trying to follow the same plan I followed when I first started and lost the bulk of my weight.  I wake up, I take my medicine, I make three scrambled eggs with a sprinkle of cheese, I eat said eggs.  I like eggs but three eggs every day is hard.  That's a lot of eggs.  But it's 21 grams of protein which keeps me full.

I am writing down in my food journal everything I eat, and I am making sure to actually measure it all.  That includes the two tablespoons of salad dressing and one tablespoon of bacos.

But, I am doing it.  Two days and I have remained on track.

Nick went back to work today which means I am back on a schedule, which is great for maintaining my plan.  I'll workout when Lilly naps at one.  Not fond of working out in the middle of the day but it's what I have to do.  Otherwise she tries to relive her birth while I do frog crunches by climbing on me and crawling through my legs.  Over and over and over.

I'm using the 21 Day Fix workouts.  I like them, I haven't overdone them like some of my Jillian DVD's, and there is a variety so I'm not doing the same thing every day.

Nick and I are looking into getting a treadmill and I'm excited about that.  I like an easy cardio option and since the elliptical broke ages ago, I haven't had that really.  I don't care if I pop on for a 10 minute mile once a day or whatever, being a stay at home mom has me sitting a lot and I need my legs to get moving.  Running this past summer was nice when it wasn't so hot, and my legs did slim down.  My body may be the same weight but I have gained some of my fat back for sure since I haven't regularly worked out since July.

So, I am surviving, trying to get into the swing of things.  Once I get going I'm good, but it's the getting going that is tough.  I gave Nick my scale and he's hidden it.  I won't get it back until after my doctor's appointment on the 19th.  The problem with the scale is when I'm doing bad it depresses me and I want to eat and when I'm doing good I think one cheat won't hurt.  So it's a back and forth dance that gets nowhere.

So, that is where I am at.  Sorry for not updating much.  I've just spent my free time doing other things for awhile.

My damn sinuses again...

My sinuses have decided to act up again, leaving me with a stuffed up nose and a dry itchy throat that comes with a nasty cough.  This is the third time in the past two or three months.  I am not happy.  I'm taking the cough pills I never finished (which don't work but hey, why not?) and allergy meds and sudefed and hoping for the best.

I've been on my new meds three full days and one half day and I'm really surprised at my lack of need to root through the kitchen to find food to eat because it tastes good.  I have still had some cravings (Such as a spicy chicken from Wendy's) but I have no had any desire to eat all the time.  I hope they continue to work like this.

On another much more silly note:

I need this purse from Modcloth.  Seriously.  It's even 25% off with a code through the end of today.  For some reason I want this purse so bad, I can barely contain myself.  I've been looking at it all week.  Several times a day.  It does not help that I do, in fact, need a new purse.  However, Nick says this purse is not an everyday purse.

I mean, I guess he's kind of right.  You see, whereas the model with the purse looks pretty chic and cool with her ripped skinny jeans and black over-sized turtleneck and booties, I'd probably look like a 12 year old.

I mean, with my flare jeans with rips on the bottom from being a smidge too long to the white paint splotch on my tennis shoes to my forever in a pony tail hair because I have no idea how to actually style hair and when I wear it down it just gets in my face and annoys me.  To my makeup-less face because it takes me too long and the random T-shirt that's either Cardinals baseball or Supernatural because that's all I have.

I would look like a 12 year old carrying a dog purse.

I would not look like this model.

I would not look this cool carrying around a dog purse.  I would look ridiculous.

But I want it.  Because it is cute. And I need a purse.  Because mine has a rip and the corner fabric is worn out and the damn thing is four years old and has definitely seen better days.  My poor worn out scraggly purse only adds to my disheveled 12 year old look.

Next month, I'll look for a new purse.  I probably won't get the dog purse.  I'll conform to society's basic standards of what an adult should wear/look like and I'll be too afraid I'll look like I'm 12, and I'll end up ordering some other purse that is square and neutral and lacking personality.  Not to mention it will likely be sold out.

Some purse that is not a dog face.

I want the dog purse.